Terminology
- ward = local congregation
- stake = a collection of local congregations in a geographic area
- stake presidency = the head of the stake; consists of four men (president, two counselors, a secretary)
- stake relief society presidency = women's leadership of the stake; consists of four women (president, two counselors, a secretary); takes direction from the stake presidency; supports ward relief society presidencies
- calling = a voluntary position in the church that has specific responsibilities; sometimes takes hours of your time every week; some callings are more time-intensive than others
- release = you are no longer in the position
Stake relief society presidency; stake women's conference
One year ago, it was the eve of the stake women's conference that I was in charge of. A conference for hundreds of Mormon women and their friends, trying to ensure that everyone felt wanted and loved, trying to include something that would edify all of the various women that would attend (ages 16 and up). My whole heart was in it. Planning and preparing for the conference took over my life. I don't regret the time and effort spent in doing it. I cherish the friendships that came out of it. I really have no regrets about it at all. Not one.So here I am a year later, completely out of the church that I no longer believe in. And this weekend is another conference that was planned by women who are equally as committed and passionate as I was. Women who are doing their best to love and include everyone. Women that I still admire and care about. So as you might guess, this weekend is bittersweet. Even though I still maintain many friendships with women inside the church, I can never be part of the church again. Because it's not the church that I thought it was, and because it's not a healthy place for me to be. Can I be honest here? It sucks. It really does. But just like I have no regrets about the conference last year, I have no regrets about leaving the church. Not one.
The time that I spent in the stake Relief Society presidency was so rewarding. Connecting with the women in various congregations in the area was my favorite part. Being "real" when it was my turn to present a lesson to the congregations that we visited, even though I was always a nervous wreck. Ministering one-on-one with women that needed some extra support (and that can include any of us at any time). Meeting with the ward Relief Society presidencies and getting to know them and supporting them. I don't regret it. Not one bit.
What does integrity have to do with it?
When you are in a leadership calling, assumptions are made about you, such as you have a testimony that Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is a true, historical document, that the current church leaders are prophets, seers, and revelators, that you pay a full tithe (10% of your income goes to the church), that you don't drink coffee or tea or alcohol, that you don't sympathize with people or groups who are contrary to the teachings of the church, that you are honest.My faith crisis started in 2014 while I was in the midst of planning for the conference the following February. During this stage, I do call it a crisis of faith because I was finding out things about my church and its doctrine and history that I didn't know before. I was not only finding out about some unsavory things, but of some really slimy, abusive, disgusting things that were started by Joseph Smith and continued with subsequent prophets in the church for quite some time. I listened to recordings of the "Swedish Rescue" and the "Boise Rescue" where church historians and an apostle gave answers (or non-answers) to questions that the general membership had. The more I read and listened, the worse things got. I saw a side of the church that I didn't know existed, and I was sick about it. There were a few current apostles that I became disenchanted with during this period of time, so I questioned whether I really could continue sustaining them as prophets, seers, and revelators. This was the worst time in my journey because I had absolutely no support system for dealing with the information that I was learning.
By the time February 2015 came (the month of our women's conference), I felt somewhat like a hypocrite being in a stake leadership position when I wasn't sure what I thought of Joseph Smith anymore, and I certainly was put off by a lot of current general leadership. Dallin Oaks was one of the men that I had serious problems with, especially after he stated that the church doesn't give apologies. (I might address this in a different blog post later.) So I didn't feel as though I could honestly answer the "temple worthiness" interview questions and still be seen as worthy to be in a leadership calling. I felt like I needed to be honest with myself and therefore decided to request a release from my calling. I didn't feel as though I was "sinning" or being "unworthy" in any bad way, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I had a testimony of everything when that wasn't the case anymore.
Also during this time frame, there was a leadership training broadcast for stake leadership that was based in San Antonio. I really, really wanted to drive to San Antonio and meet there in person because there was a round table planned where we could sit down with the women's leadership from Salt Lake City. I wanted to discuss the church essays and the problems that I was having with the information. I also knew of others who were having a hard time. And there was absolutely NOWHERE that we could talk about it openly without being looked at with suspicion and fear. The church quietly released these troubling doctrinal and historical essays, yet gave no support for the thousands of people who were now flailing around in a crisis of faith because the church wasn't what they thought it was. I knew that if I could just ask questions, it would be helpful to me. In turn, I could help the women in our stake who were also having questions and were upset.
As circumstances would have it, we weren't able to drive to San Antonio, so we missed the roundtable. I was heartbroken. But we attended the broadcast in Round Rock. Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt when my concerns were addressed by the general women's leadership! I felt validated for the first time, like someone in Salt Lake City knew that many of us were struggling! Most of the women in San Antonio who asked questions during this broadcast were expressing the exact same concerns that I was having! I was so very hopeful at that point that there would be support for the members who were struggling.
By that time, I had already emailed the stake president to request a release from my calling and had received a terse answer back (Looking back, it was a miscommunication that sometimes happens through email. But at the time, I was feeling really badly about the response that I had received from him via email).
I was the only person in the stake Relief Society presidency that expressed any concern at all about all of this. Out of respect for the wonderful women that I served with, I won't go into details, but I will say that I felt very, very alone. I felt like my presence in the presidency was not good for them or for me. My heart was no longer in it. My spirit was hurting badly. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I really had no one to confide in except for my dear daughter and her husband. It was hell.
To sustain or not - fear vs. integrity
Also during this time (February 2015), it was our ward conference. During the conference, a sustaining vote is taken. This is where they read the names over the pulpit of the local leadership and the general leadership in Salt Lake City, and we raise our hands for a yes or a no vote. It's very rare for a no vote to be raised. I didn't feel right about raising my hand for a yes vote for the Salt Lake City leadership (I had no problems voting yes for the local leadership). But I had a dilemma. I was also the organist for our ward, which meant that I would be up in front of everyone sitting on the organ bench when the vote happened. If I raised my hand "no," everyone would see. If I didn't raise my hand at all (which I seriously considered), everyone would see. Since I was still in a stake leadership position at the time, it might cause some uproar, concern, and even gossip if I abstained or voted no. So what about my honesty and integrity in this situation? I cried about my dilemma. Do I fear potential backlash and fallout? Or do I keep my integrity intact by voting no? Was I ready for that? If I vote yes, then to me, it implied that I supported everything that was happening at the church headquarters. So that morning as I was driving to church, I happened to look down at the floor in my car, where there was still some artwork of Jesus left over from the women's conference. The thought came to my mind to go ahead and sustain (vote yes) today, that everything will eventually be okay. I felt peace about that thought, so I decided that yes, I would go ahead and raise my hand today to sustain the general leadership of the church.So the time came during the meeting for the sustaining vote. I reluctantly raised my hand, and there were tears running down my face. I hoped that no one saw. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite for voting yes when I meant no. But I did it because I wasn't ready for what might happen if I voted no. And I knew that eventually, everything would be okay. But it was hell right then, and I just had to endure it.
My request to be released was honored
In the Mormon culture, it is not the norm to request a release from a calling unless there are extenuating circumstances. You are expected to continue fulfilling the responsibilities until the male leadership releases you. Callings are seen as coming directly from God, so to say no or to request a release is to say no to God. (I don't believe this is always true, but that's the culture.)I don't quite remember the time frame, but I finally met in person with the stake president regarding my request to be released from my calling as second counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Out of respect for him, I will keep the details confidential. But there are a few things that I can share.
First, I didn't know what to expect. The only other time that I had ever talked to him was when he issued the call for me to be in the presidency (and the terse email that he sent back). I really didn't know him at all. So it was difficult to just come out and say that I'm having some major issues with the church, its doctrine, its current leadership, and I don't know where this journey will lead me. He listened and listened. He validated my concerns. He was well-read and well-studied. He was not ignorant of the things that I spoke about. He was not judgmental. He didn't lecture me or tell me to try harder or pray harder or do better. He didn't treat me like I was stupid or a sinner or anything other than a person who was seeking answers. And he didn't have all the answers, and it was okay with me that he didn't have all the answers. I don't think that there are answers for everything. He wanted me to stay in my calling if I thought that I could. He thought it would be good to have someone like me who understands the struggles that others are having. He handled everything very well.
But I still very much needed to be released. I didn't want to influence anyone one way or another by virtue of being in a leadership calling. I needed space to study, think, pray, and go through this journey without being afraid of sending someone else into a tailspin because they saw someone in stake leadership who was struggling. Also, I had gotten injured a few months earlier, and I wasn't getting better. I needed time to heal -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I could not minister to others until I was in better condition to do so.
So he did agree to release me. I think it was about two months later when I was actually released. But by then, I had stopped attending presidency meetings and participating in other presidency duties because I didn't want to cause any contention within the presidency. And my mind and heart were elsewhere. The stake president wished me well and was very kind to me. I don't think that he could have handled our meeting any better than he did. I appreciated it so much.
At this point in time, I had no intention of leaving the church. I had every intention of finding the answers that I sought and somehow reconciling everything and returning to full belief. It didn't happen that way at all. I did find answers, but they were not the answers that I had hoped for.
A fond look back at women's conference 2015
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13
I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I am now in a very good place emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I no longer feel like I'm going through hell. I have no regrets for this past year. It has been difficult, painful, traumatic, eye-opening, wonderful, freeing, and finally hopeful and happy. It was a long time coming.
In honor of the anniversary of last year's women's conference, I'm sharing some links to slideshows and performances. I feel honored to have served with these women. I look forward to continuing friendships with them.
"One Step Closer" - photo slideshow of some of the wonderful women in the Round Rock Stake. We used this slideshow to introduce the theme and scripture during the opening session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucXfpFx8WOw
"You Raise Me Up" - audio recording of music during the opening session of conference. I overlaid some photography after the conference (since we weren't allowed to videotape in the chapel).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0zyIq7AxEQ
"Come Unto Christ" - audio recording, overlaid with the video that was shown during the musical number. This was during the closing session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69i70Mqg0Bk
"Come Thou Fount" - shhhh....don't tell anyone that we recorded this (with video!) in the chapel after the conference was over! :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmCfaLxo-ig
"Come Unto Christ" Lyrics:
He's the One who healed the leper and who brought the dead to life.
He's the One who fed the hungry and who gave the blind their sight.
He's the One who walked on water; then He brought them safe to shore.
And whenever you may need Him, He's the One you're looking for.
So let Him in, and He will take away your pain.
When you feel His love, you'll never be the same.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
He's the One who taught forgiveness and who showed a better way.
He's the One who helped the hopeless and those who'd gone astray.
He's the Savior and Redeemer, the Bread of Life, the Prince of Peace.
If you're hungry, lost, or captive, He's the One who sets you free.
So let Him in.
And you'll remember who you are.
He will mold your life and change your willing heart.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ. And you will find eternal life.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name.
He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
