The question "Where will you go?" has a double meaning for me right now. The first meaning is related to something tangible as I'm contemplating a relocation for my job. The second meaning is more spiritual, personal, intangible. It's a question that I repeatedly asked myself last year as I was contemplating spiritual matters.
The question "where will you go?" can invoke a wide range of emotions from fear and anxiety to excitement and hope. The question can cause you to feel like you're on a roller coaster that you cannot stop. The question can cause you to contemplate all the possibilities that await you.
For me, the "unknown" is what causes me angst. The unknown is what causes me to be fearful. The unknown is what causes me to stand still instead of moving forward. What if I make the wrong decision? What constitutes a "wrong" decision? Is there really a wrong decision? Or, is there more than one "right" decision?
When I ask myself the question, "where will I go?", I often look back at where I've been. It helps to ground me in my decision. And then ask myself a new question, "Where do I want to go?" When I rephrase the question like that, I can change my emotions from fear and anxiety to hope and thoughtfulness. So really...where do I want to go?
Regarding the job, I want to be in both places: my current place and my potential new place. So stay tuned for that decision. The photo at the top of the page is taken from a recent trip to my potential new location. It's definitely beautiful there.
But regarding the spiritual / intangible question, perhaps I can share some insight into my experiences in the past year or so.
First, let me put this out here right now. I never intended to leave the Mormon faith. I never wanted to. I never thought that I would have to. But when it became a real possibility on my horizon, you can bet that I asked myself a hundred times, "Where will I go?" You can bet that I felt pain, fear, anxiety, panic, depression, and confusion. You can bet that I spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer and thought and study. You can bet that I didn't take my faith transition lightly. The fear of the unknown was paralyzing at times.
My home was filled with Mormon music, artwork, and literature. My identity was wrapped up in Mormonism. Yes, I had my identity in my career and home and family and hobbies, but 99% of my life was tied up in my faith. So when I was contemplating leaving my Mormon faith, my identity hung in the balance. How do I find myself? Who was I? Who did I want to be? What am I going to do with all the artwork and music and literature? Can I hold on to some of my beliefs, or do I give it all up? Is there a middle way that will work for me? Can I remain a Mormon and still live an authentic life with my changing beliefs? Will I even believe in God when this transition is complete? Or will the transition ever be complete? What if I make the wrong decision?
As you know by now, I did actually leave my Mormon faith. But I did not abandon my love for all of my friends and family who choose to remain in the faith. I did not leave my Pioneer ancestors behind. I simply picked up the torch and found my own path into the wilderness. I had to face my own fears and insecurities. I had to figure things out, sometimes day by day, and sometimes hour by hour.
“And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.”
-- Dr. Seuss, "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"
So, where did I go, anyway?
Physically, I didn't go anywhere. I'm still in the same home with the same job with the same family and most of the same friends. But spiritually and emotionally, I went a lot of places, and I'm still discovering and exploring. But I'm not lost.Most of my Mormon artwork, music, and literature went to family and friends. I sold some of it, and I gave some of it away. And I recycled some old manuals that no one wanted. And I burned one manual in my fireplace...because I wanted to and I had to. I still have some Mormon Pioneer stuff and some music, but most of it is gone. I thought that it would leave a hole in my life. I thought that I'd have to replace it with something. But neither is the case. There is no hole, and there is no replacement. I don't want or need a replacement.
Where did I go? I went into a place where I found real love for myself and real love for others. I found that my Mormon happiness was not superior to others' happiness. I found that people from all belief systems and walks of life were just as good and decent and happy as I was. In fact, the belief system and background really doesn't matter. A good and decent and happy person is what matters. I found that life isn't fair and that sometimes there is no explanation for it and that God had nothing to do with it. God doesn't play favorites. Things don't always happen for a reason, but sometimes we can find meaning and opportunities from a painful and difficult situation. We look for reasons and find explanations for many things. We try to turn despair into hope, and sometimes we succeed. We all need hope.
I've found many sources of healing for when life gets rough. I found that God is very different from who and what I had thought. My understanding of God is evolving and becoming clearer in a way that works for me. For me, God is no longer a "who," but a "what." To quote the lyrics from "The Color Purple," I believe this:
"God is inside me and everyone else
That was or ever will be.
I came into this world with God
And when I finally looked inside, I found it,
Just as close as my breath is to me."
I've found that my weekends are a good time for renewal and rest. Nature and hiking and yoga and friendships all help sustain me. Love for my own body and gratitude for everything that it does has resulted in healthier habits, as well as emotional and mental and spiritual strength. I've found more confidence and inner peace. My inner voice that I've always had is still strong. And I trust it even more now than before, because my connection to the Divine is a direct connection that is no longer mediated or interfered with by those that I had previously allowed to define and direct a "one true path" to the Divine.
So if you're wondering "where will I go?" when facing a crisis of faith, or an employment dilemma, or another big decision, remember that you're not alone. Thousands of others have gone through the same thing, and they made it. Yes, you will feel fear, and it will be painful. But it is oh, so worth it on the other side. And you won't be alone when you get there.
Some resources
A few links to things that helped me during my faith transition, and they are still helping me as I discover more things that are not related to leaving the Mormon faith. I hope that they are helpful to you, too.Some say that music is feelings that you can hear. I believe that. I believe that certain songs affect us for certain reasons, and that if we just close our eyes, we can hear hundreds of memories and imagine the possibilities.
"Saturn" - Sleeping at Last
You taught me the courage of stars before you left.How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.
I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time,
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes.
With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA
The Truman Show - Ending Scene
"Was nothing real?""You were real. That's what made you so good to watch.
There's no more truth in the world out there than is what in the world I created for you. In my world, you have nothing to fear."
"You're afraid. That's why you can't leave.
You can't leave, Truman. You belong here. With me."
"Cease transmission."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_zYn-HHcyA
Awake My Soul - A Faith Journey
A montage of video and still images set to "Awake My Soul" from another person who has transitioned out of the Mormon faith. There is nothing anti-Mormon in the video, but some of the images might cause some discomfort for believers. I'm including this because it illustrates the feelings of awakening that many of us have had during our faith transitions (minus the beer - yuck). :-)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkTbzmq8uJc
'Til You Say So - Stephanie Mabey
Some days just get messyMake you dizzy, knock you out
But you're seeing stars on the way down, down down
What if it's that moment
Where you stand up and show them all
You fight twice as hard after you fall
It's not over till you say so
You might be the greatest
You can turn this all around
Come on, get yourself up off the ground
It's not over till you say so
Til you say so
It's not over till you say so
Whenever it seems like it might be too late
Remember there's no such thing
Don't let go
It's not over till you say so
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYARSO3KpBs
