One Year Later

A few months ago, I visited the beaches of Southern California and was watching surfers who had gone past the rough waters and the rocks and found less dangerous waters out there where they could practice and enjoy surfing without getting slammed against the rocks. After I got back home, I saw this quote and thought of the photo that I took of those surfers. "Everything you have ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear." And then I superimposed the quote onto my photo because the words and the image are inspiring to me and can be applied to many situations. It seems appropriate to share now that it's been exactly one year since I published my first blog post that announced my departure from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormonism). It was a scary time for me to share that news, not knowing how it would be interpreted or received. It is the ultimate show of vulnerability to open up your true feelings to the masses, especially when you know that the majority of your family and friends won't truly understand unless they have experienced a similar transition of faith.

I'm pleased to share that:

• I have found calmer waters and am practicing and enjoying life in a whole new way with whole new meanings.
• The majority of my friends and family have been kind, loving, and supportive. Our hearts are bigger than our faith differences. I'm grateful to all of you who haven't treated me any differently. I'm grateful to all of you who have tried to understand, even though you might not understand it ever. I'm grateful to all of you who haven't thought of me as "less than" because of my transition of belief.

So here we are one year later, one year after I spilled my guts on the internet. 2015 was one of the most difficult years of my life. 2016 was one of the most transformative years of my life. I'm grateful for both years.

I actually decided to leave the church a few months before I announced it because I really needed to be in a good place emotionally before letting others know about it. I'm glad that I waited to tell. It made all the difference in how I approached things, and in return, I think it made a big difference in how people reacted. I didn't want to be confrontational or angry, but I did want to be forthright and not hold back many of my true feelings. So that's kind of what happened.

Today's post is probably more for me than for anyone else, just so I have a milestone marker on my blog to show the progress of my journey. For the record, my life is good...very good. I don't regret leaving the religion, and I don't regret how I did it. I've never questioned whether or not I made the right decision. It is the right decision for me.
Have I joined another church or subscribed to another belief system? No. Whatever/whomever God is, or however we are all connected, is beautiful and wonderful and comforting. Ambiguity is good for me at this stage. Not knowing is okay. It leaves me open to a variety of sources of inspiration. If the inspiration comes from nature, or another person, or a religious figure, or a scripture, or literature, or my own thoughts...then it's a good thing. The inner voice is a powerful thing.

Probably the biggest internal change for me after leaving the religion is getting to know myself. Not through the lens of a church or its dogma, not through a checklist that determines my worthiness, not through the opinions of any other people. I've been getting to know me as just me, and it has been both painful and wonderful. During this past year, I have learned to love myself, and I have learned to allow others to love me. I honestly had NO IDEA about the many walls that I had placed around myself because of my belief that no matter how many good deeds I did, or no matter how good/honest of a person I was, it was never enough. It is amazing to finally realize that I've been enough "as I am" the entire time.

Another huge change has been getting to know a man on a deep, soul-to-soul level. As many of you know, I have not had a dating relationship for more than 30 years. And then it happened this year. A few months ago, he and I started sharing our faith transition experiences as acquaintances, which turned into a friendship, which turned into a loving and healing relationship. Our faith journeys are different in some ways, but the level of understanding is there. We hold space for each other to work out our individual paths. It is so wonderful to truly love someone and to allow myself to be loved. I've thought off and on over the years how sad it was to have gone through this much of life without being loved in such a way by another person. And also realizing that I didn't know how to be loved. But I still went through my good life...because it was a really good life, and now it is even infinitely better. Our story is seriously so complicated because of mutual friends and past experiences. We have often used humor with each other and with others because sometimes humor is the best way to tell a story or approach something that would otherwise be difficult or awkward. Some of the phrases that I've used with other people is, "You can't make this stuff up!" or "Who would've thought?" Those of you who know us in real life will understand what I'm saying here. :-)

I'll be relocating to another state for my job soon, so more changes are coming my way. It is definitely bittersweet. Leaving my home and my loved ones is heartbreaking for me. But at the same time, this change will be a great learning experience for me. It'll be more of learning about myself, learning about other cultures, being on my own away from all of my family. Yes, sometimes it freaks me out, and I cry. A lot. Other times, I feel excited. Change can be so difficult even when it's a positive change.

Well, I could keep writing for hours, but I ought to stop for now and publish my thoughts before the day is over. I hope that all is well for each of you in this new year of 2017.