This isn't a negative blog post by any means. I attended a Mormon sacrament meeting a couple of days ago and lived to tell about it. :-) I just want to record my thoughts and feelings here. And they are good. If you've been reading my blog, you already know that I left the faith almost two years ago. And it has been more than two years since I attended a Mormon sacrament meeting.The reason for attending the meeting was a "missionary farewell," in which the soon-to-be missionary gives a talk/speech in the weeks prior to leaving for their mission. I wanted to be there and be supportive, even though I was unsure how it would affect me. Let me begin by saying that the young lady who gave her talk was poised, confident, loving, beautiful, witty, well-studied, well-taught, and she will be a fantastic missionary for her church. To respect her privacy, this blog post is not about her, but I wanted to mention her as the reason that I attended the service.
When I was a member of the church, music played a big role for me. I was oftentimes the organist for the congregation, or the pianist for choirs, and I participated in many musical ensembles from the time that I was a child until the time that I left the church. Music speaks to my soul. Now that my beliefs have changed, many of the Mormon hymns don't line up with my soul, and there are a few of them that I absolutely cannot listen to. However, the opening hymn for this meeting was one that wasn't triggering for me ("Our Savior's Love"), and I fully intended to sing along with the congregation. However, we didn't even get past the first phrase before my emotions took over, and I was unable to sing because of the tears and my quivering lips and the lump in my throat. During that hymn, I felt an enormous sense of loss. Let me clarify that leaving the church was the right decision for me that I don't regret, but when you lose everything that you built your life on for 50 years, and whenever you lose your entire belief system because it wasn't what you thought it was, and you have to build it back up from nothing, it is a definite loss. And when you leave your church, you also lose your tribe. If you're lucky like I have been, you still keep many of your friends, but there is still a loss when you no longer share a core set of religious beliefs. Even when you are happy and fulfilled outside the church, it is still a huge life change, and it can sometimes be difficult to navigate.
I don't remember what was said during the opening prayer since I was putting my emotions back together while sitting in the pews. Then it was time for the sacrament hymn. I didn't even attempt to sing it, but I followed along by reading the words of "Jesus, Once of Humble Birth." The basic premise was that Jesus was forsaken and left alone, but everything turned out okay eventually, and he was vindicated and honored. I wasn't emotional during the hymn, but I appreciated the message and how it can apply to so many of us. The sacrament was passed to the congregation, and of course I didn't take it, but instead, passed it down the row. This is where a feeling of peace washed over me, and my sadness completely went away. I felt no guilt or shame by not taking the sacrament. Only peace. In the church, when you don't take the sacrament, it is usually because you have done a major sin and are repenting from it, or you are under church discipline, or in my case once, I didn't treat someone very well and used really harsh words with them, so I forbade myself to take it. If you're taking the covenants seriously, you're supposed to be "worthy" in order to take the sacrament. So usually there is some kind of guilt or shame or repentance associated with not taking the sacrament. I was a little surprised (but happy) that I felt absolutely none of that. I felt like a lot of healing had taken place in my soul, and that I really, truly believe that I'm not "less-than" because I no longer believe in Mormonism. And if there is a God, then he/she is happy that I'm happy. And he/she cares more about a person's integrity, honesty, and kindness than whether you subscribe to any particular religion.
Next was the obligatory youth speaker, who was very brief and mentioned that all you need to do is read the scriptures, specifically the Book of Mormon, and then ask God to confirm to you that it's all true. I've known plenty of people who have done just that, and to them, it is true. However, I've known plenty more people who have done the same thing and have come to a different conclusion (that it's not true). In the church, there is usually only one "right" answer, and when you don't arrive at the "right" answer, then it seems to be your fault for not reading enough scriptures or not praying enough or not trying hard enough. I can tell you from experience that there is more than one right answer, and sometimes it is not the answer that you expect. But I digress!
The young woman (soon-to-be missionary) was next, and she reminded me so much of her mother, who is a wonderful teacher. And she seemed very ready to be a missionary. I do remember having such wonderful sister missionaries over the years, and I keep in contact with a couple of them even now. I think that it's fantastic when a young person (or even an old one!) prepares themselves to do what they believe is the right thing. And then they go do it, sometimes by going on a church mission. And they don't see their families or have much communication with them while they are gone. And they or their families pay for the experience. And even though there is pride and joy in having a child go on a mission, there is still a sense of sadness and loss because you are separated for a long time. My heart goes out to anyone who has done this, whether it's a mission, or military service, or job assignment, etc. Separation from your loved ones is truly difficult.
After her talk, a lady sang "I Stand All Amazed," and she did a beautiful job. As I said before, music feeds my soul. And even though I believe differently now, I still got a tear in the corner of my eye toward the end of the song. Now that I think about it, I get teary when I hear all kinds of music performed live, whether it's religious our not.
Then the closing talk by a man who talked about being inclusive and rescuing those who are lost. It was generally a good message, and I'm sure that he had no idea that there were at least two people in the congregation that he would have considered to be "lost," and I was one of them. :-) He was sincere in his message, so I appreciated that. I have to say, though, most of us that have left the church are not "lost," and we don't need to be rescued. But we do need to be included. Even when I was in the church and was in leadership, I never liked the messages about loving people with the intention of bringing them back to church. It seemed like an underlying agenda to me, and I was uncomfortable with it. Even when I was "all in," I really disliked the phrase "missionary opportunity" because it signified an agenda. I think that all of us (religious or otherwise) would do well to love and include without strings attached, and without an agenda to convert or reactivate. He seemed like a good person, and I appreciated the sincerity of his message.
I don't remember what the closing hymn was, but as I sat there looking around the chapel, I had mixed feelings. Here was a group of people, probably most of them very good and sincere people, who were doing what they thought was right for them. And I respect that. Here's something else that I thought, and I apologize if this thought is offensive for anyone who is reading it, but I also had the thought that I was sitting in a room full of people who still believe in Santa Claus. Oh, gosh...I don't want to offend anyone by saying that, but it was truly what I thought at the time. But then I realized that I was thinking of them in the same way that some of them think about people like me. Like they believe in something that's false, and that they are lost and need to be rescued. But it is not my place to have any kind of agenda when I associate with them, but only to love and treat them how I want to be treated. I can tell you that it takes a long time and practice to get to the point when you feel at peace about all that!
So all-in-all, it was a good experience to be there. I feel like I was in a good place emotionally and that my soul wasn't triggered too much. I had some anxiety for several days about going to the meeting, and thankfully, it turned out to be okay. I'm really, really glad that I went. I'm glad that I'm healed enough to separate my feelings about my former religion from the love that I feel for the people in it. I have compassion for the family of this dear young woman, and I truly wish her the best of everything on her upcoming mission. My wish is that we (anyone readying this!) will all just love...with no strings attached, and no agenda. And while I'm thinking about this, make sure that you're loving yourself as well, with no strings attached, and no agenda!
