What I learned from knowing Nandkishor

A long-time colleague in India passed away last weekend after a long and painful bout with cancer. I never got to meet Nandkishor in person, but we worked together on various projects for several years. In addition to being his colleague, I consider him a friend. But it wasn't always that way. Let me explain...

My first experience with Nandkishor was during the years when my employer laid off a lot of American employees and replaced them with Indian workers. In my job as a technical writer, we write the documents in English, and then the documents are translated into more than 14 languages. It's imperative that the English be (nearly) perfect. Enter our new Indian colleagues who replaced our American counterparts and who were now writing documentation. English wasn't their first language, and it showed in how they wrote. As a team lead who had lost a lot of my American coworkers to offshoring, I was now responsible for teaching and guiding our new colleagues that we would never meet in person. It was frustrating, to say the least. And at some point, maybe they would replace us, too. The situation was tense at times.

Nandkishor and his counterparts were nice enough guys. It wasn't their fault that we were all in such a predicament. But it took a few Indian coworkers to do the same work that one American worker could do. I was frustrated by so much wasted time on simple things. I had little time for chit-chat and relationship-building, but Nandkishor and another Indian writer monopolized my time with their neediness, both with meaningless chit-chat and with requests for help. This lasted for a few years. I continually mentioned my concerns to management, and Nandkishor was eventually put on a performance improvement plan. If he couldn't cut it within a 3-month time period, he would be let go. At the time, I couldn't wait for that day to happen. I was so exhausted and overworked that it would be easier to do the work myself than to keep teaching Nandkishor.

More things happened, but it's not important to the story. Nandkishor ended up staying employed, and we eventually were assigned to different but related projects. I finally had a reprieve!

In the meantime, I had taken a course at my job for understanding the ways that different cultures think and work. How in general, Indians like to establish a relationship, while Americans tend to focus on the task at hand. I saw both myself and Nandkishor in these roles, and then I started to understand why he "wasted" so much of my time asking me how I was doing, or wishing me a Merry Christmas, or sending me emails full of flowery words to thank me for helping him.

A few years passed, and we were once again working on the same project. This time, I noticed a big improvement in Nandkishor's work. What a relief. I also felt much more patience, and even some affinity, for Nandkishor and my other Indian colleagues.

When I was having several sciatica pain a few years ago, Nandkishor gave me some advice, along with a video of exercises to do to reduce the pain.

One email that I received from him on his anniversary made me smile:

"Today, being my wedding anniversary, logging off now and will not open the laptop until tomorrow morning. Please note that it is not an April Fools' prank. My wife and I were married on April 01."

Then sometime in 2015, some of his colleagues in India were giving him a hard time. He endured some really, really poor treatment. The only kindness that he received at work (it seemed) was from his fellow technical writers. Any time that he tried to stand up for himself within his team, he was shot down and even humiliated. He shared some of those conversations with me. In my opinion, his management team was looking for ways to fire him. But by that time, he didn't deserve to be let go. So I did whatever I could to highlight his accomplishments to management. Here's one email that I wrote:

"I just now read through Nandkishor's email and am quite concerned about it. Of course, I know only one side of this story, and that is Nandkishor's. But I also have enough experience with his work ethic and his improvements over the years to know that he is productive and is willing to take on additional tasks and learn new things.

I am concerned that his work environment continues to be hostile. Is this how we treat our employees here? I cannot imagine any U.S. employee being treated like this.

As far as our project goes, Nandkishor volunteered to take on the Quick Start Guide, and he has completed everything on time thus far. For the other project, he has learned about the Messages Guide.

I don't understand the purpose of the other manager's questioning. This is a troubling situation."

We worked on the same project for a while longer with me as the team lead. Then over the next few years, there were more headcount reductions in the U.S. The other Indian writers went to different jobs within the company. And somehow, Nandkishor and I and a few other writers in the U.S. and Rome were still hanging on to our jobs.

Just before Thanksgiving 2015, we found out that we would once again be assigned to different projects. Here's his heartfelt email to me and another U.S. colleague:

"Today, couple of hours back, our manager and I had a call. Came to know that I will be working with the other projects as these are located here in India. The other writer will be leading both these projects.

At the start of the Thanksgiving week, got this news and then was a bit displeased not because of new assignments but because I will miss you both, to a great extent. It is been a great feeling all these days working with you. You have been so kind, friendly, comfortable, and a teacher all these days that I am addicted to both of you :). Working without you seems to be an absolute horror.

With the occasion of Thanksgiving week, wished to thank you for everything you did for me consistently. Thanks for converting my mistakes into lessons and skills into strengths. When I look 2 years back from now, I see myself improved a lot and it is not because of any of my skills but because of you people. I have been fortunate and honored whenever I worked with you all these days and years.

I'm yet quite weak in expressing because do not know any flashy or polished words but I'm sure you can understand what I want to say. Thank you very much once again. Anyway, things keep on changing in life so we need to accept the changes. As always, we are not going anywhere far and I wish that soon we will be back together again. Also, I'm sure that you will be always available for me so I'm not much worried!!!

Have a healthy and joyous, wealthy and generous, prosperous and humble thanksgiving."

During all of this change, Nandkishor was in a horrible accident in India while riding his scooter to or from work. One of our U.S. coworkers coordinated a get well card for him. When Nandkishor was able to respond, this is what he wrote to us:

"Hi All,

Where do I begin? I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the gift of get well soon cards that you sent to me. It was such a nice surprise. Your incredible kindness and emotional support gave me the inner strength to make it through.

It meant so much to me that you sent me wishes from thousand of miles away and that really made a difference. As per my doctor, I'm the first patient in his life who recovered so quickly without a single complication. I couldn't resist to let him know that I have had wishes from my dear colleagues who are thousands of miles away and that's the only difference between his other patients and me :)

Your wishes is a special gift that I can never forget for lifetime!I have no words to express my feelings.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am very lucky to have you all as my colleagues.

Lastly, my special thanks to J*** (the writer that coordinated the card). You've really gone way above and beyond the typical meaning of colleague.Thank you very much."

A few months later (in 2016), there was even more churn going on at work. It seemed like it would never settle down. More headcount reductions, more people being told to move or find a new job. I finally decided later in 2016 that I would move to California the following spring.

Received this email from Nandkishor around Thanksgiving 2016:

"Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Hoping your Thanksgiving is filled with blessings and joy.

Although, I have been and will be always thankful to you, this thanksgiving week is just an occasion to express it loudly.

When I have people like you around me, I have nothing to fear, nothing to worry, and only joyful moments. You watched over me just like how parents watch over their toddlers until they can walk by themselves. I know that you will always be there to catch me if I fall. You gave me all the things I did not get from my education, determination, motivation, and experience. I am lucky to have you as my colleagues, leads, mentors, and teachers. Thank you very much for your support, help, care, guidance, and everything that shaped me in a whole new professional league."

And here's an email from Nandkishor last Thanksgiving (2017):

"Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving week!!! 

Thank you for caring and supporting me wholeheartedly. The great role you have been playing in my life is immeasurable. I’m grateful for all your help and continued support.You are a very special blessing to me. Wishing you every happiness this holiday season and throughout the coming year! May your life be filled with love, peace, and harmony."

Then in February of this year (2018), Nandkishor didn't show up for a work meeting that he scheduled. After we waited for a while, we ended the meeting but still didn't know where he was. We finally heard from him the next day and learned of his cancer diagnosis. He was so distraught from hearing the diagnosis that he completely forgot about the meeting. Of course, we understood! He had been suffering from ear and neck pain for about 2-3 weeks. He had an MRI and a CT scan on his head and neck. He was diagnosed with neck cancer, and the lymph nodes were likely metastatic. He was scheduled for surgery the following week and said, "Only prayers can help now."

His surgery was successful. His jaw bone was replaced. In March, he reported that the doctors and a biopsy confirmed that he was cancer-free. When he was able, he wrote me this email:

"Thank you so much for all your prayers and all your wishes that took me out of cancer so smoothly. 

I had a successful surgery at Apollo Cancer Institute (not in Pune), which is one of the best hospitals in India. Surgery took 11 hours (to remove tumors in neck, jaw bone, and removing lymph nodes in the left neck + fibula free flap reconstruction). A biopsy report after the surgery is very clean and doctor assured that I'm 100% free of cancer. Yet, radiotherapy is planned next month just for a safer side.

Overall, surgery was successful but I'm a bit struggling with pain in leg, face, neck. Swelling might take another 2 weeks to go off. I can now eat everything, speak as I used to earlier, so everything is fine.

Just wanted to thank you so much for all your prayers and wishes. Even though you are thousand miles away, I always felt your proximity during all these days."

"Thank you for all your prayers, wishes, and positive thoughts.

Your wishes and prayers are everything to me and I'm sure that they reached me and that's why I am quite fine now."

During this time, we put together a get well card from California. Because regular mail doesn't always work well from the U.S. to India, I scanned the card and emailed it to Nandkishor. 

Here is his response in April 2018:

"Thank you so much. I'm blessed to have all this love and care from a thousands of miles away team.

It is all your wishes and prayers that I'm recovering well. My radiation therapy already started and 7 sittings are complete out of 30. By May 15, radiations will be over. As this is the first week, there are no side effects as of now. Precautionary medicines are started to reduce the side effects in the coming weeks. With God's grace, all of yours wishes and love, all is well as on the date. 

I will be all right soon and I'm getting this positive attitude because of your wishes, prayers, love, and care. I can feel the proximity of you every moment.

Please pass my thanks to everyone who sent good wishes through this card."

I checked on Nandkishor again at the end of April, and he sent me this response:

"Thank you so much. Your email gives a real strength and great hope to me every time. I'm done with 20 sessions out of 30. This gives a bit relief. Last week was a painful week because side effects were started. Swelling on face, tongue sores, lip skin peeled off, and many more. Then doctor started pain killers and then, things were under control. This week, there might be some new side effects as per doctors but as of now, there are none and all is well. I'm on liquid diet (though I can eat, but trying to be at safer side to avoid any infections in mouth) and in good health and strength as of now.

From last week, I'm on leave and will continue to be on leave until May 11, when my radiation therapy will end. Just 3 days from this week and 6 days from next week and I will done with all cancer treatments.

Thank you so much for your wishes, your constant support, and encouragement. It is a lot to me and beyond words to express."

In May, Nandkishor resumed working, and he sent me this email:

"Last week, those painful radiations were complete and now, feeling a little better. Just wanted to keep you informed that I have resumed work (just to divert myself from remaining pain and a boredom :)). 

Wanted to thank you for all your support, motivation, and wishes that give me a strength to pass a painful one and half month of radiations."

In May, he sent me a birthday wish:

"I'm sorry because I'm never on-time :( Last year, wished you early and this year a bit late :). 

Although my birthday wish is too late, my best wishes for your health and happiness are good 365 days a year. Hope you had a happy birthday."

Since we weren't working closely on the same project anymore, I didn't think much of not hearing from Nandkishor for a while. But then in October, he sent this email to all the writers that he had worked with:

"From a long time, I couldn't connect with you so thought to keep you informed about my health. Unfortunately, my cancer in the neck got recurred/relapsed in the August month end. I was completely depressed and had almost lost all my patience. 

My family, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and all they took me to my native and treatment is planned at my native place with all people around. A targeted chemotherapy was advised by doctor. Total 6 sessions planned. A session for every 3 weeks. 2 targeted chemotherapy sessions are complete now. A feeding tube is inserted into stomach because I had lost 25 KG weight in last 2 months.

Now, slowly, strength is coming back because of a feeding tube and overall, I'm feeling better. I also plan to work for some time from this week."

Then 10 days later in October, a colleague forwarded this email to me from Nandkishor:

"Last week, I had declared to work because I felt a little better. Actually, everyday, new problem comes of neck, mouth, shoulder, and back and currently I'm not well. Today only, I conveyed to the managers that I won't be able to work until 25th October because of severe pain. My 3rd chemo session is from Oct 17-20. After that, there might be some improvements.

Overall, in a bad situation.

Thank you and pass my thanks for prayers and wishes."

Then on November 2, our other Indian writer coworker sent us this news from Nandkishor:

"Thank you for your prayers. I am not recovering at all but the situation is worst now. Chemo not working so they keep changing medicines. I am very weak now and can't walk alone. Can't sit for 10 mins. Always on bed for more than 22 hours. Pain is almost unmanageable."

I knew by then that he wouldn't survive this. My heart was broken. I didn't know if he was still able to use email, but I sent him this email the same day. I never heard back from him. He might have read it, but he might not.

"I have heard that you haven't been doing very well recently, so I am sending my good wishes and prayers to you. I am so sorry to hear that you are in great pain and are feeling very weak.

I don't know if we will ever have a chance to work with each other again, but I want to tell you a few things:

* From the very beginning several years ago, it has been a pleasure to work with you in various capacities. I have appreciated your positive attitude and willingness to learn more and more through the years.

* You have always treated me with respect and kindness and patience, and I appreciate that very much!
* I know that you love your family deeply.
* You always make the effort to stay connected to people that you care about. I really appreciate that.
* Your coworkers here at IBM care about you and your family very much. Please let me know if there is anything that I can personally do to show your family how much I care about you and them.

I hope that your pain is minimized, and that your comfort is maximized. I hope that you can feel the love and peace from all of us here in the U.S.

I send my love and concern and care to you."

Then on December 3, our Indian colleague who had worked most closely with Nandkishor over the years, sent us this email that broke all of our hearts:

"I'm extremely saddened, hurt, regretful, and with a heavy heart I share this tragic and sad news that our friend and colleague, Nandkishor, is no more with us. He left for his heavenly abode yesterday (December 2, 2018). :-(

His son sent a text message to the India team about his sad demise, and that his last rites (funeral) will be performed today. As I am writing this note, all we have about Nandkishor now are his memories for life. We all are deeply grieved by this loss, and our deepest sympathies go to his family during this unfathomable time.

We were hoping for his recovery then, but it didn't happen. Our prayers for his well-being went answered. :-(

I'm at loss of words, but I thought I must let you all know about it."

So here we are. A shared yet separate journey of sorts. Nandkishor was only 43 years old at the time of his death. As with many people who have a cancer diagnosis, the news can be good one day and devastating the next. I'm still processing all of this and probably will for a long time to come. For someone that I've never met, he sure made an impact on my life.

So finally, here are a few things that I learned from knowing Nandkishor

• Gratitude matters so much in both your personal life and in your career.
• When you have nice thoughts and feelings to express, do it. Don't put it off. Don't be afraid to tell someone how much they mean to you.
• Don't give up. When Nandkishor was about to lose his job many years ago, he persisted. When he was being picked on more recently, he persisted. When he was faced with great pain and eventual death, he persisted in sharing his gratitude with the rest of us.
• Be open to people from other cultures, belief systems, and ways of thinking. Anglo-Americans and Indians think and solve problems in different ways. Just because someone's way seems strange to you, it doesn't mean that they're doing it the wrong way. And it doesn't mean that you're doing it the wrong way. Sometimes there's not a best way to do something, and it's okay!
• Always be kind, even if you are ready to burst at the seams from frustration. Don't take out your frustration on your coworkers who are also innocent parties in the situation.
• Patience really is a virtue.
• Love always wins, even when you might never meet the person that you are showing love toward.
• People matter.