Thursday, January 7, 2016

Trust

Thanks to the hundreds of people (yes, hundreds!) who have read my first blog post so far. Several of you have reached out to me privately and publicly in compassion, love, and understanding. Some of you have expressed similar experiences for yourself or your loved ones. It helps so much for all of us to know that we're not alone, no matter what the issue is.

So this blog post will center around trust, and why / how I lost my trust in the general authorities of the church. For anyone who disagrees with me about my thought process, that's fine. Remember that this is MY experience. Believe me, I have read many apologists' views in hopes that their perspectives would help me, but it just made things worse for me. Many people have learned the same information that I have, and they are somehow able to reconcile it enough that they stay in the church. That is their experience and decision, and I respect that.

I came across a quote a few weeks ago that really applies to this situation:

"When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest."


Because so much of my disaffection with the church is because of trust (or lack thereof), I will probably write more than one blog post about trust and integrity. Not so you necessarily agree with my conclusions, but hopefully you'll understand where I'm coming from. And if you are also having a similar experience, you know that you're not alone. It hasn't been fun, I can tell you that much. :-)

Background

As I mentioned in my previous post, I followed the counsel of the brethren and didn't read any anti-Mormon literature, and I didn't seek out any religious books that were not part of the official church curriculum, written by a church leader, or sold by the church's publishing arm - Deseret Book. I was very careful to avoid coming across information that might lead me astray from the church and its teachings. I had heard about various people over the years who had been excommunicated for exposing some really negative information about Joseph Smith (the founder), church history, and doctrine. I didn't want to become one of "those people," so I really did try my best to stay away from any potential damaging material. I was willfully ignorant, you might say.

My Testimony of the Restoration

I believed it. All of it. I was taught in church from a young age and well into my adulthood (even as recently as 2015) that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God...that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ standing side by side, and that he conversed with them. This was called the "First Vision." Oh, it was a beautiful story, and I believed it with all my heart. There is a beautiful hymn that we sing called "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning" about this first vision. How can you not believe it?

I also believed other things that were taught in church...that Joseph Smith was given golden plates by Angel Moroni, that Joseph then translated the characters into English using a tool called the urim and thummim. That he looked upon the plates with this tool and dictated the content aloud into English, which was written down by a scribe. I was taught that this translation became what we now know as the Book of Mormon. I believed that the Book of Mormon was a true, historical document. The translation process made so much sense to me, and I believed it. There are songs about it that the children learn -  "The Golden Plates" and "Book of Mormon Stories." The artwork that is still used today depicts that narrative of the character-by-character translation process so beautifully.

I also learned that Joseph and his wife Emma had such a wonderful, loving relationship. That they both sacrificed so much for the church. That Joseph was tarred and feathered because of religious persecution. I believed that this was the one, true church, even though I thought that there was good in all other faiths. I believed that everyone must have specific ordinances to be saved. I believed that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I believed that polygamy started with Brigham Young so widows and otherwise unmarried women would be taken care of financially. I believed that Joseph Smith was innocent.

My testimony, my beautiful testimony of the restoration of the gospel was built upon these stories. My beautiful testimony that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were martyrs. My testimony that Jesus Himself called Joseph Smith to organize The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a popular hymn in the church called "Praise to the Man" that is all about Joseph Smith and how he communed with Jesus. I loved playing that hymn on the organ during church services.

Even as recently as October 2014, I believed it enough to attend three different temples during a vacation in Utah while I was attending general conference in person that year. Even though there were policies and cultural things that I didn't like, I still believed. Even though I was adamantly opposed to a hiring policy that I had recently found out about (one that made me sob!), I still paid 10% of my income to the church as tithing. Just closed my eyes and thought, "Follow the prophet! Don't go astray!" I was all in. ALL. IN. I was going to be obedient even at the expense of my own uneasy feelings and misgivings. Because obedience is of utmost important to be considered worthy, but that's another topic for another day.

Truth that Wasn't Taught in Church - The Gospel Topics Essays

Toward the end of 2014, I found out about several essays that the church had recently published on their own web site. These essays were supposedly "safe" to read even though they discussed some very difficult issues about Joseph Smith and church history, as well as the church doctrine that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. I was so very glad to finally read something that was published by my own church that actually talked about some things that weren't so flattering. I finally had "permission" to read this stuff! So I read. And I read. And I gasped. And I cried. And I looked at the footnotes. And I was shocked. And saddened. And then angry.

I realized that all the stories that I had been taught at church were just that...stories. And I realized that many of those people who were excommunicated for exposing the truth over the years were actually telling the truth! And even South Park who made fun of Joseph Smith looking in a hat was telling the truth! And all of those anti-Mormons who were in the parking lots at the Nauvoo Temple Open House handing out newspapers that talked about Joseph Smith's polygamous wives were telling the truth!! And even the church itself was now disavowing any previous racist theories that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. So then what are you supposed to think? That the ban was based on racism instead of what God wanted? This is the opposite of what was taught in church.

So do you know who was not telling the truth all of these years...from the time of Joseph Smith until the present day? It was my own church that was not teaching the facts at all. And then encouraging us not to look elsewhere to find facts. So was there an intentional effort to keep us in ignorance? How many general authorities from Day 1 knew the truth and kept it from the general membership for generations...and then excommunicated people who tried to share the truth with others? It started with Joseph Smith who excommunicated some of his closest associates when they had problems with his secret polygamy. The excommunications have continued throughout the years until the present day.

Betrayed and Duped and Fooled

So all of those years that I defended the church against my friends or anyone who would dare say a negative thing about the church...I was defending lies. My entire testimony was built on lies. I felt duped and betrayed. I felt like a fool. I was so angry and so hurt. And I taught these lies to my own daughter. And my church teachers taught these lies to me...unknowingly. Because they were taught the same lies. It seemed like everyone else in the world knew about this stuff except me. But then I found out that very few others in the church knew about this, too.

I wondered about my own ancestors who lived in Nauvoo and Kirtland and Far West when Joseph Smith did. I wondered if they knew about the secret polygamy and still believed anyway. Thankfully, after much study, I realized that it was likely that my people did NOT know about Joseph's secret wives. My people were not in Joseph's inner circle. They were not sworn to secrecy with an oath of death. They were not participants in the polygamy in Nauvoo. When I realized this, I was so relieved, more than you know. They were doing what they thought was right. They followed a very charismatic leader who told good stories. Who wouldn't fall for that back then if you didn't know any of the secrets?

I tried sharing the essays with people at church but was met with suspicion and resistance. I tried talking about being shocked at finding out about all of Joseph Smith's wives, but also that he LIED about his marriages to Emma. My own daughter tried talking about it in a private conversation in the hallway one day at church. But someone who was eavesdropping reported her to our local leadership for trying to lead people astray. For what? For discussing what she learned from a church-sanctioned publication. I knew then that I couldn't talk about any of this to anyone at church for fear of being reported to the bishop or stake president, losing my access to the temple, losing my calling in the stake women's leadership, or looked upon as an agitator for wanting to talk about the truth. If you can't talk about truth at church, then where can you talk about it? Only if you accidentally stumble on a friend who is having the same hard time, can you talk about it openly.

Panic and Anxiety

So what do you do when you find out that your testimony was based on lies? That the church was not what it claimed to be? That Joseph Smith and all the others after him were deceitful about the true beginnings of the church? What do you do when the rug has been pulled out from under you? How many panic attacks did I and others have as a result? Many.

There were many times that I thought, where would I go if I don't have the church? It's all I know. It's such an integral part of my life. Any time that I have during the week or on weekends is spent doing some kind of church work. So what would I do? Where would I go? The anxiety was unbearable, but I still kept doing the best that I could in both of my assignments in stake leadership and in playing the organ in my own congregation.

Who Knew and Why Didn't They Fix the Narrative?

When something big happens in the church, a letter from the top 15 in Salt Lake City is read over the pulpit in every local congregation. For example, a letter is read when they announce the dates of general conference. A letter was read when the church announced that gay marriages cannot be performed in the church buildings. But no letter was read to announce that the essays had been published. So people are naturally suspicious when someone tries to share an essay with them. They assume that it's anti-Mormon content, even though the church published the essays on its own web site.

So my question is...who in high leadership knew the truth but failed to fix the narrative that has been taught in church for generations? Or did they not know the truth? For example, in a TV interview of Gordon B. Hinckley (who I believe was a good man), he said that the church members didn't practice polygamy until they went west to Utah. Now I know that is a false statement. So did Hinckley not know about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum and others who practiced polygamy while they were still in Nauvoo? I keep telling myself that he didn't know. That he wouldn't lie about something like that. But when you are a prophet, seer, and revelator, isn't it your responsibility to know the truth? To know the origins and history of your own church that you lead? So I'm at a loss here.

On the church's own web site, there is a video of a church historian (Steven Snow) that says that this information is not new, that many people have known about it for years. So my question is...if people knew about this information, why was it not taught? Why did people have to go outside of official church sources to find the information? I've talked about this with my mom. She says that she knew about Joseph Smith's other wives. Then I asked her, did she learn about them at church? Well, no. She learned about it by reading a novel. I don't share this to embarrass my mom. I love my mom, and she has no ill will in her soul. I share it only to illustrate that she had to read it in a novel to learn about the other wives of Joseph Smith.

Why did the whole world know about the truth except for faithful Mormons who, by following the brethren's counsel, kept themselves in willful ignorance?

Conclusion

This blog post is a little scattered all over the place. I apologize for that. But hopefully, it gives you a birds-eye view into my thought process and why I can no longer trust the high-up leadership. I'll write more posts to discuss some of the specific things that I've learned since 2014 and how it has sent me down a rabbit hole from which there is no return. I do not wish this part of the journey on anyone. It is so hard to find out that your own church has been deceitful all along. That the brethren that you sustained your entire life had some hand in concealing the truth, whether intentional or not.

Please know that I do not fault ANY of my local leadership past or present. I do not fault any of my previous instructors at church. All of us were presented with the same stories. We unknowingly passed along false information from generation to generation. My parents unknowingly passed along false information.

When we want to have access to the temple, each of us must answer a question similar to, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?" My answer is always yes. Unequivocally yes. However, based on what I now know, the church itself cannot answer its own worthiness question in the affirmative. This hurts. It hurts badly. It has hurt countless, faithful people who believed.

The good news is that, even though you cannot return from the rabbit hole through the same way that you entered it, you CAN get out of the rabbit hole. You just have to find another way out of it. But you'll never be the same. It's ugly. But it's beautiful at the same time. There is hope, whether you decide to stay in the church or leave it. Everyone must decide for themselves. Don't be in a hurry to decide. It's your journey. It's your pain. It's your joy. Just hang in there because you. are. not. alone.

Sources

Following are some sources that I mentioned in this blog post.

Gospel topics essays on the church's web site:

https://www.lds.org/topics/essays?lang=eng

Links to individual essays that made my head spin:


A few sources mentioned in the footnotes of the essays:

 

Videos on the main gospel topics page:

 

Gordon B. Hinckley interview on Larry King Live:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAsNMWwRXvs
  • Start at 11:35 where they discuss polygamy. Hinckley says that polygamy started when the Mormons came west. He says that it was permitted on a restricted scale and that it was safeguarded. He said that it was discontinued in 1890, and that it is not doctrinal.

 

Polygamy did not end after the 1890 manifesto by Wilford Woodroof

Unlike the 1890 Manifesto, the LDS Church has not canonized the "Second Manifesto," which is explained here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Manifesto

 

Scripture that talks about plural marriage and threatening Emma with destruction if she didn't agree to polygamy:

Doctrine and Covenants 132: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132

 

Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same


Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng#38

 

When the prophet speaks the debate is over

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/08/the-debate-is-over


CES hiring policy change announcement - do not hire people who are currently divorced; used to also not hire people who had ever been divorced, even if they were remarried; used to also not hire women who had children at home, although they would hire men who had children at home

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865615543/LDS-women-with-children-now-eligible-for-full-time-seminary-institute-jobs.html?pg=all

And finally, a humorous YouTube video that had nothing to do with my disaffection but sarcastically and humorously describes the gospel topics essays that did have a lot to do with my disaffection. :-)

Brother Jake Presents - A Gospel Topics Commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ1ouziD56o
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Monday, January 4, 2016

My Difficult Choice of 2015 - The Future is Bright

Dear friends and family who are reading this blog...please know how important you are to me and how much I love and care for you. Please know that I am happy, content, and am living my life in the best way that I know how. For some of you, this blog post will be a shock. You might feel hurt or confused. Others of you will be happy for me and think that it's about time that I made a decision. All of your feelings are valid, just as mine are. So please hear me out and keep an open mind as you read this post. As you might imagine, this is a difficult post to write, but it is also something that I've wanted to do for several months. It is time.

Background

As most of you know, I have been a Mormon my entire life. I was born into a family that belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons). My family history in this particular religion goes back to its beginnings in the early 1800s when the church was founded by Joseph Smith. In fact, all of my ancestors on both my mom's and dad's families were early converts to Mormonism. They knew Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and the other early church leaders. I don't think that any of my people were part of the inner circle, but they associated with these leaders because the church was very small back then, and everybody knew everybody. My ancestors crossed the plains in covered wagons to escape religious persecution in the United States and to start a new life in Utah, which was not yet part of the U.S. Some of them sailed by ship from Norway via Liverpool, England. Some of them sailed from New York to San Francisco and then traveled to Utah by mule as part of the religious movement. Others served in the Mormon Battalion, which meant serving the same country that they were in the process of leaving. I admire their fortitude and strength and for following their hearts and dreams, even though it was probably the most difficult thing that they had ever done. They did it at great personal cost. I have researched a lot about my people, and I feel connected to them. I am proud of that heritage.

My dad served a mission for the church. My mom has played the organ at church since before I was born. My parents were married in the Idaho Falls Temple in 1953, which means that they covenanted with God and with each other that their marriage would be eternal, provided that they both continued to be worthy in this life. They were promised that their children would also be part of their eternal family, provided that all of us continued being worthy throughout our lives on earth. If any of us strayed or were otherwise deemed unworthy, we would not be able to be part of the eternal family after death. So throughout my life, there has been tremendous motivation, faith, and even fear that I would remain worthy in God's eyes so that I could be with my family forever.

I give this brief background so you understand a little of my religious heritage that has been part of me for the past 50 years. My roots in Mormonism run deep. I was a true believer all my life.

My Life - My Decision

I decided midway through 2015 to step away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Initially, it was my intent to take an indefinite sabbatical to try to wrap my head around numerous issues, doctrines, teachings, and policies that have caused me much angst over the past couple of years. However, over the past few months as I have studied, prayed, and tried to see the big picture, and tried to reconcile some big things, I've decided to completely step away. In other words, my decision is that I am leaving Mormonism.

Oh, friends and family that are Mormon, my biggest concern right now is for you and your reaction. I'm not so concerned about what you will think of me, but of how my decision might cause you sorrow or pain. I don't want to be a source of sadness and pain for anyone. Some of you will be sincerely concerned about my eternal salvation and everything that I've given up according to church teachings. Your fears and concerns are valid. I just want to acknowledge that. I care about you. I always have, and I always will.

Please know that I tried to find ways to stay, even when I stopped believing. It came to the point where church was no longer a healthy place for me to be. Some of you have witnessed this.

I did not make my decision lightly, and I did not make the decision overnight. There's no other way to describe it except that it has been a slow, painful, gut-wrenching awakening that has taken more than a year. It started in the last half of 2014, and I came to my decision about a year later.

The most important thing is now I have my integrity back (I'll explain in a future blog post), and I feel at peace with my decision. Completely.

A Little Humor? I'm Still the Same Person! Please Read This!

If you don't read anything else, please read this part! I'm still the same person that I've always been. I'm still just as introverted, just as compassionate, and just as ornery as I've always been. I'm just as concerned about my own insecurities as I've always been. I still have really bad allergies to cedar and mold! I still struggle with my weight. I still play the piano. I still like to foster kittens. I still hate to load the dishwasher and do laundry. I still love to go on walks and take photos. I still have a really weird sense of humor. I still love and adore my grandchildren. I still wish that my kicks were higher in TaeKwonDo. I still love my fireplace. I still have my career. I still clean my own toilets. I still like the Longhorns. I still have a messy home office. I still have a sincere heart and good intentions. I still have a lot of love, peace, and joy in my life. These things will not change.

For those of you who know me only from being in the same church, we will still have lots of things to talk about. Your families, your activities, your hobbies, your health habits. I'm okay with you talking about church things around me. I'm okay if you invite me to a baptism or other important church-related event for you. I feel this way about anyone in my life, regardless of religious preference.

A good friend who is Mormon called me a couple of weeks ago to ask some advice about the  women's conference that she's helping to plan this year, even though she knows that I no longer attend church. I was delighted that she treated me NORMALLY, like she always has, and that she didn't have an underlying agenda (such as reactivating me) when she called me.

Let's please just not be awkward! :-)

My Reasons Why and Why Not

I'll go into more details about "why" in subsequent blog posts, but for now I will list things that did NOT cause me to decide to leave Mormonism:
  •  I was not offended. I want to list this first because it's a common misconception that people leave Mormonism because they were offended. Did some people annoy the heck out of me? Yes, absolutely! Did I get offended from time to time? Yes, absolutely! I think we all have. But I would never leave over being offended.
  • No one in my ward or stake affected my decision. If any message comes across to you, my Mormon friends and family, please know that I love and care for the people who have been in my wards and stakes throughout the years. My decision has nothing to do with anything that you did or did not do. The reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to lose the weekly association with you. I didn't want to lose the sense of community that you automatically get by being part of the church. Most of all, I love the sisters in the Round Rock Stake. I will discuss my calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency in a future blog post because I feel like I owe it to my sisters to share my heart. My decision will be surprising to some of them because I was in a stake leadership position when my faith transition began. My concern and love for you has always been real. I will always consider you as my sisters.
  • I'm not looking for an excuse to "sin." For those of you who know my story, being a Mormon never stopped me from sinning. I had a rough few years when I was trying to find my way in life, and I sinned plenty. We all do, if we're being honest. If I wanted to just go out and sin (whatever it might be), I'd do it anyway. Leaving the church has nothing to do with my lifestyle preferences.
  • I was not burned out. Well, yes, actually I was. :-) Again, I think we all get burned out with church responsibilities. But I've been burned out plenty of times before and haven't left the church over it. And even though I have to admit that it's nice not to have a bunch of church responsibilities anymore, it's not a reason to leave and give up the association of my church community.
  • There was never a time that I wasn't all in. A common misconception is that a person who leaves the church must not have had a very strong testimony. Otherwise, they would never leave, no matter what. I'll go into this in a later blog post because this is really important to address. But for now, just know that I believed it all. Even if something was difficult, or even if I had concerns, I believed it all. I had faith that if only I followed the brethren at the top, everything would be okay. I defended the church my whole life because I believed in it so strongly.
  • There was no "final straw." As many of you know, a few thousand people recently resigned from the church after the new policy involving gay couples and the children of gay parents was leaked to the press, which resulted in the church having to make a public statement. This was the final straw for many. But I want to make it clear that there was no final straw for me. I had already decided to leave the church several weeks before the new policy was put into place. I had already decided to write a blog, but I delayed it so it wouldn't get caught up in the debate and emotion of that particular policy. Do I support the policy? No, not at all. I think it's a horrendous policy that is not from God. But it was not a factor in my decision to leave the church because my decision had already been made before the policy came out. The policy only confirmed that my decision to leave the church was the right decision.
  • I didn't read anti-Mormon literature. On the contrary, I followed the counsel of the brethren and studied only the approved curriculum that is taught in the weekly church meetings. And I read books by general authorities, or other books that were published by the church's own Deseret Book Store. (Somehow I missed "Rough Stone Rolling," though!) Whenever I would hear anti-Mormon rhetoric, I would defend the church and its history and teachings and policies. I would correct the person that was telling me these lies. I saw part of a South Park episode where they showed Joseph Smith looking in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon. I thought it was an anti-Mormon lie, and I wasn't shy in saying so. Now I know that it wasn't a lie at all, but I'll get into all of that with a future blog post because it is so very key to my disaffection with the church and the brethren.
  • My local ecclesiastical leaders didn't punish me or chastise me. They supported me in my journey to find truth and to find out what I believed in and what I didn't. I have nothing but respect for the two local male leaders that I have discussed my issues with in the past year, and with the one female local leader that I also discussed my issues with. The other female local leader didn't want to hear any of it, and because of that I will talk about the responsibility of leadership to minister to their flock in a future block post. I plan to meet with the two male leaders again to discuss my decision and to thank them for treating me with respect during our deep and frank conversations. I will write more about this in a future blog post as well because I think that both of these local men handled my situation in the best way for me and my personal growth and journey. You don't always find that in local leadership.

Why a Blog Post to Announce Something So Personal?

  • Because I want to ensure that I'm conveying what is honest and true in my heart.
  • Because I want you to hear all of this from me and not from any rumors or from others who might assume what is in my heart or what my experience is. It is MY experience, so I want to be as clear as possible about everything that I communicate.
  • Because I only want to tell the whole long, messy, roller coaster of a story once. :-)
  • Because I have lots of friends and family in multiple wards and stakes and in multiple states across the U.S., and this is the most efficient way to let them know of my decision.
  • I don't want people to guess or assume why they think I've left.
  • I want to minimize any confusion and hurt that others might experience by reading this.
  • I want you to hear my reasons using my own words. I don't want to be the subject of mystery or gossip.
  • Because there is probably someone out there who will be helped by reading my experience.
  • Because I want to put a name and face on the type of people who are leaving. As many of you might know, people are leaving the church at an alarming rate. Or if they aren't leaving, they are nonbelievers trying to make it work for them. As people leave, they are put into a category called apostates. What an ugly word to describe someone who is trying to do what's best for their life. Technically, you could say that I'm an apostate. But I really hope not to be labeled like that. I'm Christie and will always be Christie. I am a woman, friend, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, career woman, homemaker, yard worker, musician, and humanitarian.

Conclusion (for this post)

A faith transition is traumatic. It is painful. On one hand, you want to tell everyone what you are going through. On the other hand, you want to tell no one because of the potential judgment, shunning, and even the fear by some that you will rub off on them and throw them into a faith crisis, too. It is not my intent to cause a faith crisis for anyone. It is my intent to share my truth, my journey, in the hopes that it will enlarge my heart and yours. That maybe some of the fear between active Mormons and former Mormons can be lessened or even eliminated. We are still all in this same world together, and we all want basically the same things - happiness, peace, a home, family, friends, and joy.

You may disagree with some things that I write, but it's okay. Each of us has our way of looking at the world. It's a beautiful thing. It brings balance to the world to have differing opinions and experiences.

I hope you read my future blog posts because I will talk about some of the details of my faith transition, and what I like to call my awakening. For anyone who is planning to stay Mormon, perhaps my experiences will help you understand a loved one that has left the church. For those who have left Mormonism, perhaps some of my posts will resonate with you, and you won't feel alone. For those who are still Mormon but are having a hard time with things, perhaps you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave. For anyone who has never been Mormon, perhaps you'll recognize some of the same issues in your own lives.

Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering...yes, my mother knows! She is an active Mormon and has been for her entire life of 80 years. Our relationship is good.

Thank you for sticking it out and reading until the end of this first post. You are brave for doing so, and you have endurance! May you have a wonderful 2016. The future is definitely bright!
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