Trust

Thanks to the hundreds of people (yes, hundreds!) who have read my first blog post so far. Several of you have reached out to me privately and publicly in compassion, love, and understanding. Some of you have expressed similar experiences for yourself or your loved ones. It helps so much for all of us to know that we're not alone, no matter what the issue is.

So this blog post will center around trust, and why / how I lost my trust in the general authorities of the church. For anyone who disagrees with me about my thought process, that's fine. Remember that this is MY experience. Believe me, I have read many apologists' views in hopes that their perspectives would help me, but it just made things worse for me. Many people have learned the same information that I have, and they are somehow able to reconcile it enough that they stay in the church. That is their experience and decision, and I respect that.

I came across a quote a few weeks ago that really applies to this situation:

"When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest."

Because so much of my disaffection with the church is because of trust (or lack thereof), I will probably write more than one blog post about trust and integrity. Not so you necessarily agree with my conclusions, but hopefully you'll understand where I'm coming from. And if you are also having a similar experience, you know that you're not alone. It hasn't been fun, I can tell you that much. :-)

Background

As I mentioned in my previous post, I followed the counsel of the brethren and didn't read any anti-Mormon literature, and I didn't seek out any religious books that were not part of the official church curriculum, written by a church leader, or sold by the church's publishing arm - Deseret Book. I was very careful to avoid coming across information that might lead me astray from the church and its teachings. I had heard about various people over the years who had been excommunicated for exposing some really negative information about Joseph Smith (the founder), church history, and doctrine. I didn't want to become one of "those people," so I really did try my best to stay away from any potential damaging material. I was willfully ignorant, you might say.

My Testimony of the Restoration

I believed it. All of it. I was taught in church from a young age and well into my adulthood (even as recently as 2015) that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God...that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ standing side by side, and that he conversed with them. This was called the "First Vision." Oh, it was a beautiful story, and I believed it with all my heart. There is a beautiful hymn that we sing called "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning" about this first vision. How can you not believe it?

I also believed other things that were taught in church...that Joseph Smith was given golden plates by Angel Moroni, that Joseph then translated the characters into English using a tool called the urim and thummim. That he looked upon the plates with this tool and dictated the content aloud into English, which was written down by a scribe. I was taught that this translation became what we now know as the Book of Mormon. I believed that the Book of Mormon was a true, historical document. The translation process made so much sense to me, and I believed it. There are songs about it that the children learn -  "The Golden Plates" and "Book of Mormon Stories." The artwork that is still used today depicts that narrative of the character-by-character translation process so beautifully.

I also learned that Joseph and his wife Emma had such a wonderful, loving relationship. That they both sacrificed so much for the church. That Joseph was tarred and feathered because of religious persecution. I believed that this was the one, true church, even though I thought that there was good in all other faiths. I believed that everyone must have specific ordinances to be saved. I believed that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I believed that polygamy started with Brigham Young so widows and otherwise unmarried women would be taken care of financially. I believed that Joseph Smith was innocent.

My testimony, my beautiful testimony of the restoration of the gospel was built upon these stories. My beautiful testimony that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were martyrs. My testimony that Jesus Himself called Joseph Smith to organize The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a popular hymn in the church called "Praise to the Man" that is all about Joseph Smith and how he communed with Jesus. I loved playing that hymn on the organ during church services.

Even as recently as October 2014, I believed it enough to attend three different temples during a vacation in Utah while I was attending general conference in person that year. Even though there were policies and cultural things that I didn't like, I still believed. Even though I was adamantly opposed to a hiring policy that I had recently found out about (one that made me sob!), I still paid 10% of my income to the church as tithing. Just closed my eyes and thought, "Follow the prophet! Don't go astray!" I was all in. ALL. IN. I was going to be obedient even at the expense of my own uneasy feelings and misgivings. Because obedience is of utmost important to be considered worthy, but that's another topic for another day.

Truth that Wasn't Taught in Church - The Gospel Topics Essays

Toward the end of 2014, I found out about several essays that the church had recently published on their own web site. These essays were supposedly "safe" to read even though they discussed some very difficult issues about Joseph Smith and church history, as well as the church doctrine that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. I was so very glad to finally read something that was published by my own church that actually talked about some things that weren't so flattering. I finally had "permission" to read this stuff! So I read. And I read. And I gasped. And I cried. And I looked at the footnotes. And I was shocked. And saddened. And then angry.

I realized that all the stories that I had been taught at church were just that...stories. And I realized that many of those people who were excommunicated for exposing the truth over the years were actually telling the truth! And even South Park who made fun of Joseph Smith looking in a hat was telling the truth! And all of those anti-Mormons who were in the parking lots at the Nauvoo Temple Open House handing out newspapers that talked about Joseph Smith's polygamous wives were telling the truth!! And even the church itself was now disavowing any previous racist theories that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. So then what are you supposed to think? That the ban was based on racism instead of what God wanted? This is the opposite of what was taught in church.

So do you know who was not telling the truth all of these years...from the time of Joseph Smith until the present day? It was my own church that was not teaching the facts at all. And then encouraging us not to look elsewhere to find facts. So was there an intentional effort to keep us in ignorance? How many general authorities from Day 1 knew the truth and kept it from the general membership for generations...and then excommunicated people who tried to share the truth with others? It started with Joseph Smith who excommunicated some of his closest associates when they had problems with his secret polygamy. The excommunications have continued throughout the years until the present day.

Betrayed and Duped and Fooled

So all of those years that I defended the church against my friends or anyone who would dare say a negative thing about the church...I was defending lies. My entire testimony was built on lies. I felt duped and betrayed. I felt like a fool. I was so angry and so hurt. And I taught these lies to my own daughter. And my church teachers taught these lies to me...unknowingly. Because they were taught the same lies. It seemed like everyone else in the world knew about this stuff except me. But then I found out that very few others in the church knew about this, too.

I wondered about my own ancestors who lived in Nauvoo and Kirtland and Far West when Joseph Smith did. I wondered if they knew about the secret polygamy and still believed anyway. Thankfully, after much study, I realized that it was likely that my people did NOT know about Joseph's secret wives. My people were not in Joseph's inner circle. They were not sworn to secrecy with an oath of death. They were not participants in the polygamy in Nauvoo. When I realized this, I was so relieved, more than you know. They were doing what they thought was right. They followed a very charismatic leader who told good stories. Who wouldn't fall for that back then if you didn't know any of the secrets?

I tried sharing the essays with people at church but was met with suspicion and resistance. I tried talking about being shocked at finding out about all of Joseph Smith's wives, but also that he LIED about his marriages to Emma. My own daughter tried talking about it in a private conversation in the hallway one day at church. But someone who was eavesdropping reported her to our local leadership for trying to lead people astray. For what? For discussing what she learned from a church-sanctioned publication. I knew then that I couldn't talk about any of this to anyone at church for fear of being reported to the bishop or stake president, losing my access to the temple, losing my calling in the stake women's leadership, or looked upon as an agitator for wanting to talk about the truth. If you can't talk about truth at church, then where can you talk about it? Only if you accidentally stumble on a friend who is having the same hard time, can you talk about it openly.

Panic and Anxiety

So what do you do when you find out that your testimony was based on lies? That the church was not what it claimed to be? That Joseph Smith and all the others after him were deceitful about the true beginnings of the church? What do you do when the rug has been pulled out from under you? How many panic attacks did I and others have as a result? Many.

There were many times that I thought, where would I go if I don't have the church? It's all I know. It's such an integral part of my life. Any time that I have during the week or on weekends is spent doing some kind of church work. So what would I do? Where would I go? The anxiety was unbearable, but I still kept doing the best that I could in both of my assignments in stake leadership and in playing the organ in my own congregation.

Who Knew and Why Didn't They Fix the Narrative?

When something big happens in the church, a letter from the top 15 in Salt Lake City is read over the pulpit in every local congregation. For example, a letter is read when they announce the dates of general conference. A letter was read when the church announced that gay marriages cannot be performed in the church buildings. But no letter was read to announce that the essays had been published. So people are naturally suspicious when someone tries to share an essay with them. They assume that it's anti-Mormon content, even though the church published the essays on its own web site.

So my question is...who in high leadership knew the truth but failed to fix the narrative that has been taught in church for generations? Or did they not know the truth? For example, in a TV interview of Gordon B. Hinckley (who I believe was a good man), he said that the church members didn't practice polygamy until they went west to Utah. Now I know that is a false statement. So did Hinckley not know about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum and others who practiced polygamy while they were still in Nauvoo? I keep telling myself that he didn't know. That he wouldn't lie about something like that. But when you are a prophet, seer, and revelator, isn't it your responsibility to know the truth? To know the origins and history of your own church that you lead? So I'm at a loss here.

On the church's own web site, there is a video of a church historian (Steven Snow) that says that this information is not new, that many people have known about it for years. So my question is...if people knew about this information, why was it not taught? Why did people have to go outside of official church sources to find the information? I've talked about this with my mom. She says that she knew about Joseph Smith's other wives. Then I asked her, did she learn about them at church? Well, no. She learned about it by reading a novel. I don't share this to embarrass my mom. I love my mom, and she has no ill will in her soul. I share it only to illustrate that she had to read it in a novel to learn about the other wives of Joseph Smith.

Why did the whole world know about the truth except for faithful Mormons who, by following the brethren's counsel, kept themselves in willful ignorance?

Conclusion

This blog post is a little scattered all over the place. I apologize for that. But hopefully, it gives you a birds-eye view into my thought process and why I can no longer trust the high-up leadership. I'll write more posts to discuss some of the specific things that I've learned since 2014 and how it has sent me down a rabbit hole from which there is no return. I do not wish this part of the journey on anyone. It is so hard to find out that your own church has been deceitful all along. That the brethren that you sustained your entire life had some hand in concealing the truth, whether intentional or not.

Please know that I do not fault ANY of my local leadership past or present. I do not fault any of my previous instructors at church. All of us were presented with the same stories. We unknowingly passed along false information from generation to generation. My parents unknowingly passed along false information.

When we want to have access to the temple, each of us must answer a question similar to, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?" My answer is always yes. Unequivocally yes. However, based on what I now know, the church itself cannot answer its own worthiness question in the affirmative. This hurts. It hurts badly. It has hurt countless, faithful people who believed.

The good news is that, even though you cannot return from the rabbit hole through the same way that you entered it, you CAN get out of the rabbit hole. You just have to find another way out of it. But you'll never be the same. It's ugly. But it's beautiful at the same time. There is hope, whether you decide to stay in the church or leave it. Everyone must decide for themselves. Don't be in a hurry to decide. It's your journey. It's your pain. It's your joy. Just hang in there because you. are. not. alone.

Sources

Following are some sources that I mentioned in this blog post.

Gospel topics essays on the church's web site:

https://www.lds.org/topics/essays?lang=eng

Links to individual essays that made my head spin:

• Book of Mormon Translation: https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-translation
• Race and the Priesthood: https://www.lds.org/topics/race-and-the-priesthood
• Translation and Historicity of the Book of Abraham: https://www.lds.org/topics/translation-and-historicity-of-the-book-of-abraham
• Plural Marriage in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints
• Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo
• Plural Marriage and Families in Early Utah: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-and-families-in-early-utah
• The Manifesto and the End of Plural Marriage: https://www.lds.org/topics/the-manifesto-and-the-end-of-plural-marriage
• First Vision Accounts: https://www.lds.org/topics/first-vision-accounts

A few sources mentioned in the footnotes of the essays:

• In Utah, the first wife was part of the plural marriage ceremony, standing between her husband and the bride and placing the hand of the bride in the hand of the husband. “Celestial Marriage,” The Seer 1 (Feb. 1853): 31.
• "In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith" by Todd Compton: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/400736.In_Sacred_Loneliness
• "Rough Stone Rolling" by Richard L. Bushman: https://deseretbook.com/p/joseph-smith-rough-stone-rolling-richard-l-bushman-5351
• "The Joseph Smith Papers" project: http://josephsmithpapers.org/doc/introduction-to-journals-volume-2
• Start at the paragraph that reads: "By December 1842, the end of the first year covered in these journals, Joseph Smith had explained the doctrine of plural marriage to a few of his closest associates and was practicing it himself."

 

Videos on the main gospel topics page:

• Steven Snow - What about historical questions? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=what-about-historical-questions
• Anthony Perkins - How will gospel topics be enhanced? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-will-gospel-topics-be-enhanced
• Paul Pieper - How does the gospel topics section help me? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-does-the-gospel-topics-section-help-me

 

Gordon B. Hinckley interview on Larry King Live:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAsNMWwRXvs

• Start at 11:35 where they discuss polygamy. Hinckley says that polygamy started when the Mormons came west. He says that it was permitted on a restricted scale and that it was safeguarded. He said that it was discontinued in 1890, and that it is not doctrinal.

 

Polygamy did not end after the 1890 manifesto by Wilford Woodroof

Unlike the 1890 Manifesto, the LDS Church has not canonized the "Second Manifesto," which is explained here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Manifesto

 

Scripture that talks about plural marriage and threatening Emma with destruction if she didn't agree to polygamy:

Doctrine and Covenants 132: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132

 

Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same

Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng#38

 

When the prophet speaks the debate is over

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/08/the-debate-is-over

CES hiring policy change announcement - do not hire people who are currently divorced; used to also not hire people who had ever been divorced, even if they were remarried; used to also not hire women who had children at home, although they would hire men who had children at home

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865615543/LDS-women-with-children-now-eligible-for-full-time-seminary-institute-jobs.html?pg=all

And finally, a humorous YouTube video that had nothing to do with my disaffection but sarcastically and humorously describes the gospel topics essays that did have a lot to do with my disaffection. :-)

Brother Jake Presents - A Gospel Topics Commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ1ouziD56o