My Difficult Choice of 2015 - The Future is Bright

Dear friends and family who are reading this blog...please know how important you are to me and how much I love and care for you. Please know that I am happy, content, and am living my life in the best way that I know how. For some of you, this blog post will be a shock. You might feel hurt or confused. Others of you will be happy for me and think that it's about time that I made a decision. All of your feelings are valid, just as mine are. So please hear me out and keep an open mind as you read this post. As you might imagine, this is a difficult post to write, but it is also something that I've wanted to do for several months. It is time.

Background

As most of you know, I have been a Mormon my entire life. I was born into a family that belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons). My family history in this particular religion goes back to its beginnings in the early 1800s when the church was founded by Joseph Smith. In fact, all of my ancestors on both my mom's and dad's families were early converts to Mormonism. They knew Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and the other early church leaders. I don't think that any of my people were part of the inner circle, but they associated with these leaders because the church was very small back then, and everybody knew everybody. My ancestors crossed the plains in covered wagons to escape religious persecution in the United States and to start a new life in Utah, which was not yet part of the U.S. Some of them sailed by ship from Norway via Liverpool, England. Some of them sailed from New York to San Francisco and then traveled to Utah by mule as part of the religious movement. Others served in the Mormon Battalion, which meant serving the same country that they were in the process of leaving. I admire their fortitude and strength and for following their hearts and dreams, even though it was probably the most difficult thing that they had ever done. They did it at great personal cost. I have researched a lot about my people, and I feel connected to them. I am proud of that heritage.

My dad served a mission for the church. My mom has played the organ at church since before I was born. My parents were married in the Idaho Falls Temple in 1953, which means that they covenanted with God and with each other that their marriage would be eternal, provided that they both continued to be worthy in this life. They were promised that their children would also be part of their eternal family, provided that all of us continued being worthy throughout our lives on earth. If any of us strayed or were otherwise deemed unworthy, we would not be able to be part of the eternal family after death. So throughout my life, there has been tremendous motivation, faith, and even fear that I would remain worthy in God's eyes so that I could be with my family forever.

I give this brief background so you understand a little of my religious heritage that has been part of me for the past 50 years. My roots in Mormonism run deep. I was a true believer all my life.

My Life - My Decision

I decided midway through 2015 to step away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Initially, it was my intent to take an indefinite sabbatical to try to wrap my head around numerous issues, doctrines, teachings, and policies that have caused me much angst over the past couple of years. However, over the past few months as I have studied, prayed, and tried to see the big picture, and tried to reconcile some big things, I've decided to completely step away. In other words, my decision is that I am leaving Mormonism.

Oh, friends and family that are Mormon, my biggest concern right now is for you and your reaction. I'm not so concerned about what you will think of me, but of how my decision might cause you sorrow or pain. I don't want to be a source of sadness and pain for anyone. Some of you will be sincerely concerned about my eternal salvation and everything that I've given up according to church teachings. Your fears and concerns are valid. I just want to acknowledge that. I care about you. I always have, and I always will.

Please know that I tried to find ways to stay, even when I stopped believing. It came to the point where church was no longer a healthy place for me to be. Some of you have witnessed this.

I did not make my decision lightly, and I did not make the decision overnight. There's no other way to describe it except that it has been a slow, painful, gut-wrenching awakening that has taken more than a year. It started in the last half of 2014, and I came to my decision about a year later.

The most important thing is now I have my integrity back (I'll explain in a future blog post), and I feel at peace with my decision. Completely.

A Little Humor? I'm Still the Same Person! Please Read This!

If you don't read anything else, please read this part! I'm still the same person that I've always been. I'm still just as introverted, just as compassionate, and just as ornery as I've always been. I'm just as concerned about my own insecurities as I've always been. I still have really bad allergies to cedar and mold! I still struggle with my weight. I still play the piano. I still like to foster kittens. I still hate to load the dishwasher and do laundry. I still love to go on walks and take photos. I still have a really weird sense of humor. I still love and adore my grandchildren. I still wish that my kicks were higher in TaeKwonDo. I still love my fireplace. I still have my career. I still clean my own toilets. I still like the Longhorns. I still have a messy home office. I still have a sincere heart and good intentions. I still have a lot of love, peace, and joy in my life. These things will not change.

For those of you who know me only from being in the same church, we will still have lots of things to talk about. Your families, your activities, your hobbies, your health habits. I'm okay with you talking about church things around me. I'm okay if you invite me to a baptism or other important church-related event for you. I feel this way about anyone in my life, regardless of religious preference.

A good friend who is Mormon called me a couple of weeks ago to ask some advice about the  women's conference that she's helping to plan this year, even though she knows that I no longer attend church. I was delighted that she treated me NORMALLY, like she always has, and that she didn't have an underlying agenda (such as reactivating me) when she called me.

Let's please just not be awkward! :-)

My Reasons Why and Why Not

I'll go into more details about "why" in subsequent blog posts, but for now I will list things that did NOT cause me to decide to leave Mormonism:

•  I was not offended. I want to list this first because it's a common misconception that people leave Mormonism because they were offended. Did some people annoy the heck out of me? Yes, absolutely! Did I get offended from time to time? Yes, absolutely! I think we all have. But I would never leave over being offended.
• No one in my ward or stake affected my decision. If any message comes across to you, my Mormon friends and family, please know that I love and care for the people who have been in my wards and stakes throughout the years. My decision has nothing to do with anything that you did or did not do. The reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to lose the weekly association with you. I didn't want to lose the sense of community that you automatically get by being part of the church. Most of all, I love the sisters in the Round Rock Stake. I will discuss my calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency in a future blog post because I feel like I owe it to my sisters to share my heart. My decision will be surprising to some of them because I was in a stake leadership position when my faith transition began. My concern and love for you has always been real. I will always consider you as my sisters.
• I'm not looking for an excuse to "sin." For those of you who know my story, being a Mormon never stopped me from sinning. I had a rough few years when I was trying to find my way in life, and I sinned plenty. We all do, if we're being honest. If I wanted to just go out and sin (whatever it might be), I'd do it anyway. Leaving the church has nothing to do with my lifestyle preferences.
• I was not burned out. Well, yes, actually I was. :-) Again, I think we all get burned out with church responsibilities. But I've been burned out plenty of times before and haven't left the church over it. And even though I have to admit that it's nice not to have a bunch of church responsibilities anymore, it's not a reason to leave and give up the association of my church community.
• There was never a time that I wasn't all in. A common misconception is that a person who leaves the church must not have had a very strong testimony. Otherwise, they would never leave, no matter what. I'll go into this in a later blog post because this is really important to address. But for now, just know that I believed it all. Even if something was difficult, or even if I had concerns, I believed it all. I had faith that if only I followed the brethren at the top, everything would be okay. I defended the church my whole life because I believed in it so strongly.
• There was no "final straw." As many of you know, a few thousand people recently resigned from the church after the new policy involving gay couples and the children of gay parents was leaked to the press, which resulted in the church having to make a public statement. This was the final straw for many. But I want to make it clear that there was no final straw for me. I had already decided to leave the church several weeks before the new policy was put into place. I had already decided to write a blog, but I delayed it so it wouldn't get caught up in the debate and emotion of that particular policy. Do I support the policy? No, not at all. I think it's a horrendous policy that is not from God. But it was not a factor in my decision to leave the church because my decision had already been made before the policy came out. The policy only confirmed that my decision to leave the church was the right decision.
• I didn't read anti-Mormon literature. On the contrary, I followed the counsel of the brethren and studied only the approved curriculum that is taught in the weekly church meetings. And I read books by general authorities, or other books that were published by the church's own Deseret Book Store. (Somehow I missed "Rough Stone Rolling," though!) Whenever I would hear anti-Mormon rhetoric, I would defend the church and its history and teachings and policies. I would correct the person that was telling me these lies. I saw part of a South Park episode where they showed Joseph Smith looking in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon. I thought it was an anti-Mormon lie, and I wasn't shy in saying so. Now I know that it wasn't a lie at all, but I'll get into all of that with a future blog post because it is so very key to my disaffection with the church and the brethren.
• My local ecclesiastical leaders didn't punish me or chastise me. They supported me in my journey to find truth and to find out what I believed in and what I didn't. I have nothing but respect for the two local male leaders that I have discussed my issues with in the past year, and with the one female local leader that I also discussed my issues with. The other female local leader didn't want to hear any of it, and because of that I will talk about the responsibility of leadership to minister to their flock in a future block post. I plan to meet with the two male leaders again to discuss my decision and to thank them for treating me with respect during our deep and frank conversations. I will write more about this in a future blog post as well because I think that both of these local men handled my situation in the best way for me and my personal growth and journey. You don't always find that in local leadership.

Why a Blog Post to Announce Something So Personal?

• Because I want to ensure that I'm conveying what is honest and true in my heart.
• Because I want you to hear all of this from me and not from any rumors or from others who might assume what is in my heart or what my experience is. It is MY experience, so I want to be as clear as possible about everything that I communicate.
• Because I only want to tell the whole long, messy, roller coaster of a story once. :-)
• Because I have lots of friends and family in multiple wards and stakes and in multiple states across the U.S., and this is the most efficient way to let them know of my decision.
• I don't want people to guess or assume why they think I've left.
• I want to minimize any confusion and hurt that others might experience by reading this.
• I want you to hear my reasons using my own words. I don't want to be the subject of mystery or gossip.
• Because there is probably someone out there who will be helped by reading my experience.
• Because I want to put a name and face on the type of people who are leaving. As many of you might know, people are leaving the church at an alarming rate. Or if they aren't leaving, they are nonbelievers trying to make it work for them. As people leave, they are put into a category called apostates. What an ugly word to describe someone who is trying to do what's best for their life. Technically, you could say that I'm an apostate. But I really hope not to be labeled like that. I'm Christie and will always be Christie. I am a woman, friend, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, career woman, homemaker, yard worker, musician, and humanitarian.

Conclusion (for this post)

A faith transition is traumatic. It is painful. On one hand, you want to tell everyone what you are going through. On the other hand, you want to tell no one because of the potential judgment, shunning, and even the fear by some that you will rub off on them and throw them into a faith crisis, too. It is not my intent to cause a faith crisis for anyone. It is my intent to share my truth, my journey, in the hopes that it will enlarge my heart and yours. That maybe some of the fear between active Mormons and former Mormons can be lessened or even eliminated. We are still all in this same world together, and we all want basically the same things - happiness, peace, a home, family, friends, and joy.

You may disagree with some things that I write, but it's okay. Each of us has our way of looking at the world. It's a beautiful thing. It brings balance to the world to have differing opinions and experiences.

I hope you read my future blog posts because I will talk about some of the details of my faith transition, and what I like to call my awakening. For anyone who is planning to stay Mormon, perhaps my experiences will help you understand a loved one that has left the church. For those who have left Mormonism, perhaps some of my posts will resonate with you, and you won't feel alone. For those who are still Mormon but are having a hard time with things, perhaps you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave. For anyone who has never been Mormon, perhaps you'll recognize some of the same issues in your own lives.

Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering...yes, my mother knows! She is an active Mormon and has been for her entire life of 80 years. Our relationship is good.

Thank you for sticking it out and reading until the end of this first post. You are brave for doing so, and you have endurance! May you have a wonderful 2016. The future is definitely bright!