Worthiness or Compliance; Loss of Faith or Loss of Fear

It's been a few months since my last blog post. I've been in a good place, but I've been feeling a need to write more of my thoughts regarding my faith transition.

Note: If you haven't read my previous blog posts, please read them first so you're not lost and wondering what I'm talking about with my faith transition. :-)

So, let's talk about worthiness vs. compliance. And then we'll talk about loss of faith vs. loss of fear. For many Mormons, being "worthy" to enter the temple is the be-all, end-all goal. You must be deemed worthy by your local ecclesiastical leaders in order to obtain access to the temple. Unworthiness will bar you from getting married in the temple, which means that your marriage is for this life only, and your spouse and future children will not be yours in the eternities. Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on marriages/sealings that take place in the temple, even if it's your own family member getting married. This is huge. (Another subject for another day.) Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on ward and stake temple days. You are not eligible to have certain "callings" in your ward or stake. You are not viewed as a true, believing Mormon unless you are "temple worthy."

The Temple Worthiness Questions

I don't know about others, but most of my energy was spent making sure that I was "worthy" according to the questions that you must answer before you can access the temple. Even when I could answer all of them in the right way, I still didn't feel good enough. So, here is the list of questions that you must answer satisfactorily before your local ecclesiastical leaders (all males) will give you a "temple recommend" - a card that you present at the temple's front desk to gain access.

1. Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, in his Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost; and do you have a firm testimony of the restored gospel?

2. Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator; and do you recognize him as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys?

3. Do you sustain the other General Authorities and the local authorities of the Church?

4. Do you live the law of chastity?

5. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

6. Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you sympathize with the precepts of any such group or individual?

7. Do you earnestly strive to do your duty in the Church; to attend your sacrament, priesthood, and other meetings; and to obey the rules, laws, and commandments of the gospel?

8. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

9. Are you a full-tithe payer?

10. Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?

11. Have you ever been divorced or are you now separated from your spouse under order of a civil court? If yes, (a) - Are you current in your support payments and other financial obligations for family members, as specified by court order or in other written, binding commitments? (b) Were there any circumstances of transgression in connection with your divorce or separation that have not been previously resolved with your bishop?

12. If you have received your temple endowment -- (a) Do you keep all the covenants that you made in the temple? (b) Do you wear the authorized garments both day and night?

13. Has there been any sin or misdeed in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but has not?

14. Do you consider yourself worthy in every way to enter the temple and participate in temple ordinances?


For most of my life, I could answer every question satisfactorily, even though I would always rack my brain trying to think of some sin or misdeed that I had forgotten about (question #13), or was I really, truly good enough to attend the temple (#14). A few times in my life, I got behind in paying tithing, and so I wouldn't even try to get access to the temple. Or if I had been a coffee drinker (which I never was), I would not have been given access to the temple. Or what if I had inadvertently (or on purpose) done something wrong but hadn't repented properly? Would I be damned for entering the temple when I was unworthy? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.

Tithing vs. mortgage payments - what's more important?

So here's an experience. I'm not sharing it to make one of my former leaders look bad (he is actually an amazing person and was one of the best bishops that I've ever had). But I want to share this experience to illustrate how deep the fear of not having a temple recommend was for me. And how it drove me to make a disastrous financial decision. I lived in Utah at the time and was struggling financially after having moved from Texas to Utah and moving twice before finally buying a house in the Salt Lake valley. There were a lot of expenses left over from selling my house in Texas and moving multiple times. And I was helping out more than one family member at the time. I got behind on both my mortgage and my tithing payments (I paid a full 10% of my income to the church, which added up really fast).

Toward the end of the year, maybe it was December 2010, the same year that my daughter got divorced and had her second child. It was Sunday, and I was home in bed, sick, and had missed church. My bishop called me to ask about tithing settlement (this is a short meeting where we meet with the bishop and tell him whether or not we are a full tithe payer). I told him that I was behind but that I considered myself to be a full tithe payer. He then told me that if I didn't become current, then we would need to discuss me losing my temple recommend until I got current. I was devastated. And fearful. Losing your temple recommend is bad. As I said before, you must have a temple recommend in order to have certain callings (positions) within the church. And especially in Utah, where the majority of your neighbors are Mormons, and many of them were temple workers, and you attend church together, they know who attends the temple regularly and who doesn't. I would feel like a complete loser if I lost my temple recommend! It is definitely a measuring stick that we use against each other, whether intentional or not. It just is.

I had a choice at that point. Either use all available funds to get current on my mortgage, or somehow try to find a way to catch up paying the tithing to the church. Because I had faith, and because I wanted so badly to be "worthy," I chose to withdraw money out of my 401(k) to pay a big lump sum of tithing to the church. I happily reported to my bishop that I was current again on the tithing. And I was "worthy." I was so relieved. The bad news is, I got further and further behind on the mortgage. I had to do a short sale on my house or go into foreclosure. My house had lost a lot of value in the 1.5 years that we lived in it. I really had no other choice but to sell it. Big loss. Huge mark on my credit report that would prevent me from buying another home for three years. It's still on my credit report.

Just to be clear, I didn't usually view paying tithing as a burden. I truly believed that I was giving back to God, that I was being a good, obedient person, and I felt blessed during other times because of paying tithing.

But...the fear of not being "worthy" is real. And in this situation, it wasn't good. Knowing what I know now, I sure wish that I had that money back.

If I'm not compliant, am I still worthy?

So back to February 2015, living in Texas again by then and in the stake relief society presidency - you must have a temple recommend in order to have that calling. In my previous blog post, I mentioned that I could no longer answer all of the temple worthiness questions satisfactorily. Because of that, I really had no business having a temple recommend. And therefore, I really had no business being in the stake relief society presidency anymore. I couldn't pretend to be "worthy" when I wasn't "worthy" according to that set of questions.

So what's my conclusion about all of this, now that more than a year has passed?

Frankly, I believe that I'm just as "worthy" in my Creator's eyes and in the Universe's realm than when I answered all of those questions satisfactorily. No, I cannot access a Mormon temple, but that does not mean that I'm not "worthy." It only means that my beliefs are no longer compliant with that list of questions. That list of questions has no correlation to what type of person I am. It has no bearing on my integrity or my character.

In the past year, I have figured out that it doesn't matter whether I can answer an arbitrary set of questions in order to feel worthy.

Is it a loss of faith or a loss of fear?

Some might think that I've lost my faith. Actually, what has happened is that I've lost my fear. I've lost my fear of not being worthy. I've lost my fear of men who claimed to be in a position of authority over me. True, I have lost my faith in a church that I was part of for 50 years. But I have not lost my faith in this world, in my fellow humans, in the gifts that I'm fortunate enough to have. I have not lost my faith in kindness, in love, in my family and friends. I have not lost my faith that we are spiritual beings that are connected, that we need one another, that we can do good for one another. But I have lost my fear of accessing a temple if I choose to drink a cup of coffee (coffee is healthier than sodas, energy drinks, and pills anyhow!). I have lost my fear that I won't be with my loved ones if I'm not "worthy." I've lost my fear of not being good enough.

According to the Mormon church's teachings, I can be the most loving, kind, generous person but still not reach the highest heaven and be with my family because I cannot....no, I will not....answer that list of questions in the way that they want me to. And it's not okay with me anymore to allow someone else, even a church, to place themselves between me and my Creator. Between me and my loved ones. The loss of fear has been one of the best gifts that I've been given over this past year. The knowledge that compliance has nothing to do with worthiness has been another valuable gift. Life is becoming clearer.