Give Your Younger You a Hug

Do you ever reflect back on your life and want to give your "younger you" a big hug? Once in a while, I do.

When you look back at everything that you've overcome, everything that you've endured, everything that was once a confusing mess, everything that you felt guilt or shame about when you didn't need to, every time when you thought that you were alone, do you just want to reach out and embrace the person that you once were? Do you ever have compassion for your younger self? When you were in certain moments and thought that you were a loser, can you see now that you were doing the best that you could with what you knew? That when you knew better, you did better? Can you give yourself the grace that you deserve? Can you conjure up some self love? I sure hope so. And I've been working on it for myself.

There are a lot of things that I wish that I had figured out 30 years ago. But I can't go backward; I can only go forward and be grateful that I still have a lot of life ahead of me (hopefully!), and be grateful that I figured out some things now instead of ten years from now. Part of me wishes that I could have a do-over with certain decisions or behaviors. But I just need to use that to propel me forward instead of beating myself up with regret.

We've all gone through our share of trauma and bad experiences. It can take a lifetime for some of us to heal; others of us may never heal. And for the fortunate ones, some of us will heal sooner than later and then reach out and encourage others who are still trying to heal.

I am grateful to have healed from my dad's emotional (and occasional physical) abuse. I do still process things, but the anger and the hurt went away years ago. Once in a while, there will be a memory that might catch my heart. Perhaps it's easier to heal from that because toward the end, I saw my dad for the individual that he was. And I had compassion for him. I don't excuse how he treated his family, but I have a very small understanding of who he was. And I'm truly grateful for the healing that has taken place.

If I think back to the young girl that I was back then, and then a teenager, who feared my dad a lot of times, I want to give that girl a hug. I want to tell her that she is beautiful in spite of the words he said to her. I want to tell her that she is not the problem, that she is okay just like she is, that her dad loves her but has many issues of his own that have nothing to do with her, even though he takes it out on her. I want to tell her that she will have an absolutely wonderful life, and that she will be happy, and that she will be a trusted friend to many, that she will help others feel like they are not alone.

I'm grateful to have healed from certain mean teachers from my high school, who seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing me and others, in belittling me and others, and in ensuring that some of us remembered "our place" in the pecking order of a small town and small school. I'm grateful to have healed from any mean schoolmates, who I can't even remember anymore. I hope that the few that I wasn't kind to during my school years have healed from the unkindness that I was a part of.

If I think back to that teen-aged girl, the one who never got asked to prom or homecoming even though she was the prom queen and the homecoming queen, I would tell her to be confident, to let her inner light shine, to be kind to everyone even if it's not the popular thing to do. I would tell her that she would make a lot more money than any of those mean teachers from high school. Hee hee. :-)  I would tell her that she would have many adventures that would take her away from that small town, but that she would eventually return to visit and enjoy those visits. I would tell her not to fret about certain things, about whether certain boys liked her because the world was big and the selection in her hometown was small. I would tell her that she was smart enough to do anything that she wanted to. I would tell her that an education was important, and it is okay to be one of the smart kids. But most of all I would tell her that it's most important to be a good friend to everyone but also to protect her boundaries.

If I could tell my college self anything, it would be....just be careful. Have fun, but watch your surroundings. Enjoy your friends, and thank heaven I did enjoy them. I would tell her don't get engaged yet...you have so much more of the world to explore first. I would tell her...you are so brave to break off the engagement even though it hurts. You did the right thing. I would tell her to continue college instead of taking that dead-end job after only two years of college. I would tell her not to settle. Don't settle. You are smart. You can do this. Be brave.

Those two years of college were some of the best times of my life. I made some mistakes (such as not continuing college and thinking that I had reached success because I was an assistant manager at a pizza place), but thank heaven you can recover from your mistakes. It might take a while, but you can do it. Here's a big hug because you're doing great.

Thinking back to my pregnant, single self. Here are a few, great big hugs! Seriously, here's a high five, too! This was the 80s. Just think about it. You held down a full-time job while being sick as a dog, preparing for a baby on your own, and dealing with a roommate who had just suffered a huge loss in her life, who you would rescue from late-night drinking binges that she used to escape her reality of losing her fiance so suddenly and tragically. The fear and stress in both of your lives were very real, but you handled it. You were poor, but you handled it. If I could say anything to my pregnant, younger self, it would be...you are amazing for choosing to raise your baby on your own. In spite of pressures from society and religion, in spite of judgment from others, in spite of the difficulties that you weren't prepared for, you are brave. You are doing this. Here's a hug, not because I feel sorry for you, but looking back, I admire you so much. Really, I do.

Looking back to my young mom years...oh, how that young mom needs a hug! Working full time and leaving her beautiful girl in day care every single day. Somehow making it work; sometimes not. Getting food from the food bank. It's okay. You'll be okay. Living in subsidized housing with neighbors having big problems next door, and their baby dying while they were having a party. It's okay. Just keep doing your best, and you will be okay. Trying to get food stamps but failing. Thanking heaven that an anonymous person left several bags of groceries on your doorstep. Taking the baby to the laundromat at night by yourself. Warming up the baby bottles on the stove. Wondering how it will all work out. Feeling so terribly alone. No family nearby. Just us two. Breathe. Enjoy your baby girl because she will grow up so fast you won't know what happened.

Telling my young mom self that she's doing great. You are digging yourself out of this thing called poverty. You got a different job. You have a few close friends. You finally moved out of that housing project and in to a real apartment. You can see beautiful sunsets out your back door, and you will enjoy those sunsets for the rest of your life. You will have a few dates here and there, but your priority is always your daughter. It's okay that way. It works for you that way. Some of your friends marry, and you feel left behind, but here is a big hug because you are beautiful and you are doing what you can to improve your situation and give a good life to your girl. Here's an extra big hug because I know how very hard it can be to be doing all of this on your own. You are still doing great.

You finally have a chance to rent a small house just two doors down from the family that has become so important in your life. The family that cares for your daughter, and the family that you will love for the rest of your life. You finally can buy a different car that is actually reliable and not embarrassing to drive. You are so fortunate to have wonderful landlords that live next door and who are kind to you. You have wonderful neighbors. Look at you, doing even better in your job. I would tell that young mom again to remember how wonderful she is, look at her volunteering to coach her daughter's T-ball and coach pitch teams, taking her daughter to various dance and gymnastic classes and doing fun things like camping with our friends. Inside, though, I know what she is feeling. She is still feeling inadequate. She still feels the guilt and shame for having a baby out of wedlock. She still feels as if no man will ever want to marry her, and that is such a helpless feeling. She feels extreme stress, knowing that she is having to do all of this alone for the foreseeable future. So here's another big hug because you know what? Eventually, you will not have these feelings of inadequacy. Eventually, you will finally know that you are enough just the way you are. Eventually, you'll know that you do not need to feel any guilt or any shame for anything. Not anything, do you hear me? You hold your head up and keep doing the very best that you can.

It takes until I'm almost 51 years old before I heal from religious trauma. I'm grateful for that healing. The only place in my adult life where I felt inadequate, never enough, less-than, second-class, shame, and guilt was in my religion. The only place where I felt unworthy was in my religion. So here's a huge hug for my former Mormon self, for the person that tried her hardest for 50 years to be worthy, to be good enough, to get to an afterlife where all my dreams would come true, where God would sort everything out. And I say to my former Mormon self that you did the best that you could with what you knew. And now that you know better, you are doing better. You are enough. You always have been. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your spiritual self is amazing. You have helped others know that they are not alone. Here's a big hug because you endured it and you came out the other side, and you have managed to keep your friendships and nurture other friendships that you never had time for previously. You have discovered a big, wonderful, colorful world that you didn't know existed. And you are living your life the best way that you know how. Good for you, and here's a hug.


So here I am: 51-year-old me. Yes, 51! I've learned so much and still have much more to learn. I've learned a lot more about setting boundaries and protecting them. I've learned more about empathy and trying to understand where other people are coming from. I've learned that other people's perspectives are valid, even if I don't understand completely.

But I want to tell my current self this: Take care of your health, take care of your soul, do what makes you happy, help others, do what brings you peace, enjoy the journey, enjoy those grandchildren, enjoy your daughter and son-in-law, don't stress out, don't fret, breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't believe you got that black belt at your age! You did great! Spend time with your friends. Nurture your relationships. Just "be." Keep learning. Keep sharing. Reach out and let others know that they're not alone. Go on hikes. Start checking off that bucket list. Do it now while you still can. Live your life. And here's a hug because the next half of your life is going to be difficult at times but also the best part of your life. Here's a hug just because.

Sometimes my heart breaks for my younger me. But honestly, I'm so damn proud of my younger me for all that my younger self went through to get me to this place

Now go give your younger you a hug. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself some compassion and grace. You are enough. You always have been.