Integrity and My Calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency

This blog post has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven't had the energy or time to put into it what it deserves. But whether I'm ready or not, it's time to share this. This post is so that the women in the Round Rock Stake understand that everything that I did when I was in the stake leadership was real and from my heart. When I knew that I couldn't continue in the calling and still have my integrity, I requested a release.

Terminology

• ward = local congregation
• stake = a collection of local congregations in a geographic area
• stake presidency = the head of the stake; consists of four men (president, two counselors, a secretary)
• stake relief society presidency = women's leadership of the stake; consists of four women (president, two counselors, a secretary); takes direction from the stake presidency; supports ward relief society presidencies
• calling = a voluntary position in the church that has specific responsibilities; sometimes takes hours of your time every week; some callings are more time-intensive than others
• release = you are no longer in the position

 

Stake relief society presidency; stake women's conference

One year ago, it was the eve of the stake women's conference that I was in charge of. A conference for hundreds of Mormon women and their friends, trying to ensure that everyone felt wanted and loved, trying to include something that would edify all of the various women that would attend (ages 16 and up). My whole heart was in it. Planning and preparing for the conference took over my life. I don't regret the time and effort spent in doing it. I cherish the friendships that came out of it. I really have no regrets about it at all. Not one.

So here I am a year later, completely out of the church that I no longer believe in. And this weekend is another conference that was planned by women who are equally as committed and passionate as I was. Women who are doing their best to love and include everyone. Women that I still admire and care about. So as you might guess, this weekend is bittersweet. Even though I still maintain many friendships with women inside the church, I can never be part of the church again. Because it's not the church that I thought it was, and because it's not a healthy place for me to be. Can I be honest here? It sucks. It really does. But just like I have no regrets about the conference last year, I have no regrets about leaving the church. Not one.

The time that I spent in the stake Relief Society presidency was so rewarding. Connecting with the women in various congregations in the area was my favorite part. Being "real" when it was my turn to present a lesson to the congregations that we visited, even though I was always a nervous wreck. Ministering one-on-one with women that needed some extra support (and that can include any of us at any time). Meeting with the ward Relief Society presidencies and getting to know them and supporting them. I don't regret it. Not one bit.

What does integrity have to do with it?

When you are in a leadership calling, assumptions are made about you, such as you have a testimony that Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is a true, historical document, that the current church leaders are prophets, seers, and revelators, that you pay a full tithe (10% of your income goes to the church), that you don't drink coffee or tea or alcohol, that you don't sympathize with people or groups who are contrary to the teachings of the church, that you are honest.

My faith crisis started in 2014 while I was in the midst of planning for the conference the following February. During this stage, I do call it a crisis of faith because I was finding out things about my church and its doctrine and history that I didn't know before. I was not only finding out about some unsavory things, but of some really slimy, abusive, disgusting things that were started by Joseph Smith and continued with subsequent prophets in the church for quite some time. I listened to recordings of the "Swedish Rescue" and the "Boise Rescue" where church historians and an apostle gave answers (or non-answers) to questions that the general membership had. The more I read and listened, the worse things got. I saw a side of the church that I didn't know existed, and I was sick about it. There were a few current apostles that I became disenchanted with during this period of time, so I questioned whether I really could continue sustaining them as prophets, seers, and revelators. This was the worst time in my journey because I had absolutely no support system for dealing with the information that I was learning.

By the time February 2015 came (the month of our women's conference), I felt somewhat like a hypocrite being in a stake leadership position when I wasn't sure what I thought of Joseph Smith anymore, and I certainly was put off by a lot of current general leadership. Dallin Oaks was one of the men that I had serious problems with, especially after he stated that the church doesn't give apologies. (I might address this in a different blog post later.) So I didn't feel as though I could honestly answer the "temple worthiness" interview questions and still be seen as worthy to be in a leadership calling. I felt like I needed to be honest with myself and therefore decided to request a release from my calling. I didn't feel as though I was "sinning" or being "unworthy" in any bad way, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I had a testimony of everything when that wasn't the case anymore.

Also during this time frame, there was a leadership training broadcast for stake leadership that was based in San Antonio. I really, really wanted to drive to San Antonio and meet there in person because there was a round table planned where we could sit down with the women's leadership from Salt Lake City. I wanted to discuss the church essays and the problems that I was having with the information. I also knew of others who were having a hard time. And there was absolutely NOWHERE that we could talk about it openly without being looked at with suspicion and fear. The church quietly released these troubling doctrinal and historical essays, yet gave no support for the thousands of people who were now flailing around in a crisis of faith because the church wasn't what they thought it was. I knew that if I could just ask questions, it would be helpful to me. In turn, I could help the women in our stake who were also having questions and were upset.

As circumstances would have it, we weren't able to drive to San Antonio, so we missed the roundtable. I was heartbroken. But we attended the broadcast in Round Rock. Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt when my concerns were addressed by the general women's leadership! I felt validated for the first time, like someone in Salt Lake City knew that many of us were struggling! Most of the women in San Antonio who asked questions during this broadcast were expressing the exact same concerns that I was having! I was so very hopeful at that point that there would be support for the members who were struggling.

By that time, I had already emailed the stake president to request a release from my calling and had received a terse answer back (Looking back, it was a miscommunication that sometimes happens through email. But at the time, I was feeling really badly about the response that I had received from him via email).

I was the only person in the stake Relief Society presidency that expressed any concern at all about all of this. Out of respect for the wonderful women that I served with, I won't go into details, but I will say that I felt very, very alone. I felt like my presence in the presidency was not good for them or for me. My heart was no longer in it. My spirit was hurting badly. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I really had no one to confide in except for my dear daughter and her husband. It was hell.

To sustain or not - fear vs. integrity

Also during this time (February 2015), it was our ward conference. During the conference, a sustaining vote is taken. This is where they read the names over the pulpit of the local leadership and the general leadership in Salt Lake City, and we raise our hands for a yes or a no vote. It's very rare for a no vote to be raised. I didn't feel right about raising my hand for a yes vote for the Salt Lake City leadership (I had no problems voting yes for the local leadership). But I had a dilemma. I was also the organist for our ward, which meant that I would be up in front of everyone sitting on the organ bench when the vote happened. If I raised my hand "no," everyone would see. If I didn't raise my hand at all (which I seriously considered), everyone would see. Since I was still in a stake leadership position at the time, it might cause some uproar, concern, and even gossip if I abstained or voted no. So what about my honesty and integrity in this situation? I cried about my dilemma. Do I fear potential backlash and fallout? Or do I keep my integrity intact by voting no? Was I ready for that? If I vote yes, then to me, it implied that I supported everything that was happening at the church headquarters. So that morning as I was driving to church, I happened to look down at the floor in my car, where there was still some artwork of Jesus left over from the women's conference. The thought came to my mind to go ahead and sustain (vote yes) today, that everything will eventually be okay. I felt peace about that thought, so I decided that yes, I would go ahead and raise my hand today to sustain the general leadership of the church.

So the time came during the meeting for the sustaining vote. I reluctantly raised my hand, and there were tears running down my face. I hoped that no one saw. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite for voting yes when I meant no. But I did it because I wasn't ready for what might happen if I voted no. And I knew that eventually, everything would be okay. But it was hell right then, and I just had to endure it.

My request to be released was honored

In the Mormon culture, it is not the norm to request a release from a calling unless there are extenuating circumstances. You are expected to continue fulfilling the responsibilities until the male leadership releases you. Callings are seen as coming directly from God, so to say no or to request a release is to say no to God. (I don't believe this is always true, but that's the culture.)

I don't quite remember the time frame, but I finally met in person with the stake president regarding my request to be released from my calling as second counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Out of respect for him, I will keep the details confidential. But there are a few things that I can share.

First, I didn't know what to expect. The only other time that I had ever talked to him was when he issued the call for me to be in the presidency (and the terse email that he sent back). I really didn't know him at all. So it was difficult to just come out and say that I'm having some major issues with the church, its doctrine, its current leadership, and I don't know where this journey will lead me. He listened and listened. He validated my concerns. He was well-read and well-studied. He was not ignorant of the things that I spoke about. He was not judgmental. He didn't lecture me or tell me to try harder or pray harder or do better. He didn't treat me like I was stupid or a sinner or anything other than a person who was seeking answers. And he didn't have all the answers, and it was okay with me that he didn't have all the answers. I don't think that there are answers for everything. He wanted me to stay in my calling if I thought that I could. He thought it would be good to have someone like me who understands the struggles that others are having. He handled everything very well.

But I still very much needed to be released. I didn't want to influence anyone one way or another by virtue of being in a leadership calling. I needed space to study, think, pray, and go through this journey without being afraid of sending someone else into a tailspin because they saw someone in stake leadership who was struggling. Also, I had gotten injured a few months earlier, and I wasn't getting better. I needed time to heal -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I could not minister to others until I was in better condition to do so.

So he did agree to release me. I think it was about two months later when I was actually released. But by then, I had stopped attending presidency meetings and participating in other presidency duties because I didn't want to cause any contention within the presidency. And my mind and heart were elsewhere. The stake president wished me well and was very kind to me. I don't think that he could have handled our meeting any better than he did. I appreciated it so much.

At this point in time, I had no intention of leaving the church. I had every intention of finding the answers that I sought and somehow reconciling everything and returning to full belief. It didn't happen that way at all. I did find answers, but they were not the answers that I had hoped for.

A fond look back at women's conference 2015

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I am now in a very good place emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I no longer feel like I'm going through hell. I have no regrets for this past year. It has been difficult, painful, traumatic, eye-opening, wonderful, freeing, and finally hopeful and happy. It was a long time coming.

In honor of the anniversary of last year's women's conference, I'm sharing some links to slideshows and performances. I feel honored to have served with these women. I look forward to continuing friendships with them.

"One Step Closer" - photo slideshow of some of the wonderful women in the Round Rock Stake. We used this slideshow to introduce the theme and scripture during the opening session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucXfpFx8WOw

"You Raise Me Up" - audio recording of music during the opening session of conference. I overlaid some photography after the conference (since we weren't allowed to videotape in the chapel).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0zyIq7AxEQ

"Come Unto Christ" - audio recording, overlaid with the video that was shown during the musical number. This was during the closing session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69i70Mqg0Bk

"Come Thou Fount" - shhhh....don't tell anyone that we recorded this (with video!) in the chapel after the conference was over! :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmCfaLxo-ig

"Come Unto Christ" Lyrics:
He's the One who healed the leper and who brought the dead to life.
He's the One who fed the hungry and who gave the blind their sight.
He's the One who walked on water; then He brought them safe to shore.
And whenever you may need Him, He's the One you're looking for.

So let Him in, and He will take away your pain.
When you feel His love, you'll never be the same.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.

He's the One who taught forgiveness and who showed a better way.
He's the One who helped the hopeless and those who'd gone astray.
He's the Savior and Redeemer, the Bread of Life, the Prince of Peace.
If you're hungry, lost, or captive, He's the One who sets you free.

So let Him in.
And you'll remember who you are.
He will mold your life and change your willing heart.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ. And you will find eternal life.

Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name.
He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.

Trust

Thanks to the hundreds of people (yes, hundreds!) who have read my first blog post so far. Several of you have reached out to me privately and publicly in compassion, love, and understanding. Some of you have expressed similar experiences for yourself or your loved ones. It helps so much for all of us to know that we're not alone, no matter what the issue is.

So this blog post will center around trust, and why / how I lost my trust in the general authorities of the church. For anyone who disagrees with me about my thought process, that's fine. Remember that this is MY experience. Believe me, I have read many apologists' views in hopes that their perspectives would help me, but it just made things worse for me. Many people have learned the same information that I have, and they are somehow able to reconcile it enough that they stay in the church. That is their experience and decision, and I respect that.

I came across a quote a few weeks ago that really applies to this situation:

"When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest."

Because so much of my disaffection with the church is because of trust (or lack thereof), I will probably write more than one blog post about trust and integrity. Not so you necessarily agree with my conclusions, but hopefully you'll understand where I'm coming from. And if you are also having a similar experience, you know that you're not alone. It hasn't been fun, I can tell you that much. :-)

Background

As I mentioned in my previous post, I followed the counsel of the brethren and didn't read any anti-Mormon literature, and I didn't seek out any religious books that were not part of the official church curriculum, written by a church leader, or sold by the church's publishing arm - Deseret Book. I was very careful to avoid coming across information that might lead me astray from the church and its teachings. I had heard about various people over the years who had been excommunicated for exposing some really negative information about Joseph Smith (the founder), church history, and doctrine. I didn't want to become one of "those people," so I really did try my best to stay away from any potential damaging material. I was willfully ignorant, you might say.

My Testimony of the Restoration

I believed it. All of it. I was taught in church from a young age and well into my adulthood (even as recently as 2015) that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God...that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ standing side by side, and that he conversed with them. This was called the "First Vision." Oh, it was a beautiful story, and I believed it with all my heart. There is a beautiful hymn that we sing called "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning" about this first vision. How can you not believe it?

I also believed other things that were taught in church...that Joseph Smith was given golden plates by Angel Moroni, that Joseph then translated the characters into English using a tool called the urim and thummim. That he looked upon the plates with this tool and dictated the content aloud into English, which was written down by a scribe. I was taught that this translation became what we now know as the Book of Mormon. I believed that the Book of Mormon was a true, historical document. The translation process made so much sense to me, and I believed it. There are songs about it that the children learn -  "The Golden Plates" and "Book of Mormon Stories." The artwork that is still used today depicts that narrative of the character-by-character translation process so beautifully.

I also learned that Joseph and his wife Emma had such a wonderful, loving relationship. That they both sacrificed so much for the church. That Joseph was tarred and feathered because of religious persecution. I believed that this was the one, true church, even though I thought that there was good in all other faiths. I believed that everyone must have specific ordinances to be saved. I believed that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I believed that polygamy started with Brigham Young so widows and otherwise unmarried women would be taken care of financially. I believed that Joseph Smith was innocent.

My testimony, my beautiful testimony of the restoration of the gospel was built upon these stories. My beautiful testimony that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were martyrs. My testimony that Jesus Himself called Joseph Smith to organize The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a popular hymn in the church called "Praise to the Man" that is all about Joseph Smith and how he communed with Jesus. I loved playing that hymn on the organ during church services.

Even as recently as October 2014, I believed it enough to attend three different temples during a vacation in Utah while I was attending general conference in person that year. Even though there were policies and cultural things that I didn't like, I still believed. Even though I was adamantly opposed to a hiring policy that I had recently found out about (one that made me sob!), I still paid 10% of my income to the church as tithing. Just closed my eyes and thought, "Follow the prophet! Don't go astray!" I was all in. ALL. IN. I was going to be obedient even at the expense of my own uneasy feelings and misgivings. Because obedience is of utmost important to be considered worthy, but that's another topic for another day.

Truth that Wasn't Taught in Church - The Gospel Topics Essays

Toward the end of 2014, I found out about several essays that the church had recently published on their own web site. These essays were supposedly "safe" to read even though they discussed some very difficult issues about Joseph Smith and church history, as well as the church doctrine that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. I was so very glad to finally read something that was published by my own church that actually talked about some things that weren't so flattering. I finally had "permission" to read this stuff! So I read. And I read. And I gasped. And I cried. And I looked at the footnotes. And I was shocked. And saddened. And then angry.

I realized that all the stories that I had been taught at church were just that...stories. And I realized that many of those people who were excommunicated for exposing the truth over the years were actually telling the truth! And even South Park who made fun of Joseph Smith looking in a hat was telling the truth! And all of those anti-Mormons who were in the parking lots at the Nauvoo Temple Open House handing out newspapers that talked about Joseph Smith's polygamous wives were telling the truth!! And even the church itself was now disavowing any previous racist theories that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. So then what are you supposed to think? That the ban was based on racism instead of what God wanted? This is the opposite of what was taught in church.

So do you know who was not telling the truth all of these years...from the time of Joseph Smith until the present day? It was my own church that was not teaching the facts at all. And then encouraging us not to look elsewhere to find facts. So was there an intentional effort to keep us in ignorance? How many general authorities from Day 1 knew the truth and kept it from the general membership for generations...and then excommunicated people who tried to share the truth with others? It started with Joseph Smith who excommunicated some of his closest associates when they had problems with his secret polygamy. The excommunications have continued throughout the years until the present day.

Betrayed and Duped and Fooled

So all of those years that I defended the church against my friends or anyone who would dare say a negative thing about the church...I was defending lies. My entire testimony was built on lies. I felt duped and betrayed. I felt like a fool. I was so angry and so hurt. And I taught these lies to my own daughter. And my church teachers taught these lies to me...unknowingly. Because they were taught the same lies. It seemed like everyone else in the world knew about this stuff except me. But then I found out that very few others in the church knew about this, too.

I wondered about my own ancestors who lived in Nauvoo and Kirtland and Far West when Joseph Smith did. I wondered if they knew about the secret polygamy and still believed anyway. Thankfully, after much study, I realized that it was likely that my people did NOT know about Joseph's secret wives. My people were not in Joseph's inner circle. They were not sworn to secrecy with an oath of death. They were not participants in the polygamy in Nauvoo. When I realized this, I was so relieved, more than you know. They were doing what they thought was right. They followed a very charismatic leader who told good stories. Who wouldn't fall for that back then if you didn't know any of the secrets?

I tried sharing the essays with people at church but was met with suspicion and resistance. I tried talking about being shocked at finding out about all of Joseph Smith's wives, but also that he LIED about his marriages to Emma. My own daughter tried talking about it in a private conversation in the hallway one day at church. But someone who was eavesdropping reported her to our local leadership for trying to lead people astray. For what? For discussing what she learned from a church-sanctioned publication. I knew then that I couldn't talk about any of this to anyone at church for fear of being reported to the bishop or stake president, losing my access to the temple, losing my calling in the stake women's leadership, or looked upon as an agitator for wanting to talk about the truth. If you can't talk about truth at church, then where can you talk about it? Only if you accidentally stumble on a friend who is having the same hard time, can you talk about it openly.

Panic and Anxiety

So what do you do when you find out that your testimony was based on lies? That the church was not what it claimed to be? That Joseph Smith and all the others after him were deceitful about the true beginnings of the church? What do you do when the rug has been pulled out from under you? How many panic attacks did I and others have as a result? Many.

There were many times that I thought, where would I go if I don't have the church? It's all I know. It's such an integral part of my life. Any time that I have during the week or on weekends is spent doing some kind of church work. So what would I do? Where would I go? The anxiety was unbearable, but I still kept doing the best that I could in both of my assignments in stake leadership and in playing the organ in my own congregation.

Who Knew and Why Didn't They Fix the Narrative?

When something big happens in the church, a letter from the top 15 in Salt Lake City is read over the pulpit in every local congregation. For example, a letter is read when they announce the dates of general conference. A letter was read when the church announced that gay marriages cannot be performed in the church buildings. But no letter was read to announce that the essays had been published. So people are naturally suspicious when someone tries to share an essay with them. They assume that it's anti-Mormon content, even though the church published the essays on its own web site.

So my question is...who in high leadership knew the truth but failed to fix the narrative that has been taught in church for generations? Or did they not know the truth? For example, in a TV interview of Gordon B. Hinckley (who I believe was a good man), he said that the church members didn't practice polygamy until they went west to Utah. Now I know that is a false statement. So did Hinckley not know about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum and others who practiced polygamy while they were still in Nauvoo? I keep telling myself that he didn't know. That he wouldn't lie about something like that. But when you are a prophet, seer, and revelator, isn't it your responsibility to know the truth? To know the origins and history of your own church that you lead? So I'm at a loss here.

On the church's own web site, there is a video of a church historian (Steven Snow) that says that this information is not new, that many people have known about it for years. So my question is...if people knew about this information, why was it not taught? Why did people have to go outside of official church sources to find the information? I've talked about this with my mom. She says that she knew about Joseph Smith's other wives. Then I asked her, did she learn about them at church? Well, no. She learned about it by reading a novel. I don't share this to embarrass my mom. I love my mom, and she has no ill will in her soul. I share it only to illustrate that she had to read it in a novel to learn about the other wives of Joseph Smith.

Why did the whole world know about the truth except for faithful Mormons who, by following the brethren's counsel, kept themselves in willful ignorance?

Conclusion

This blog post is a little scattered all over the place. I apologize for that. But hopefully, it gives you a birds-eye view into my thought process and why I can no longer trust the high-up leadership. I'll write more posts to discuss some of the specific things that I've learned since 2014 and how it has sent me down a rabbit hole from which there is no return. I do not wish this part of the journey on anyone. It is so hard to find out that your own church has been deceitful all along. That the brethren that you sustained your entire life had some hand in concealing the truth, whether intentional or not.

Please know that I do not fault ANY of my local leadership past or present. I do not fault any of my previous instructors at church. All of us were presented with the same stories. We unknowingly passed along false information from generation to generation. My parents unknowingly passed along false information.

When we want to have access to the temple, each of us must answer a question similar to, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?" My answer is always yes. Unequivocally yes. However, based on what I now know, the church itself cannot answer its own worthiness question in the affirmative. This hurts. It hurts badly. It has hurt countless, faithful people who believed.

The good news is that, even though you cannot return from the rabbit hole through the same way that you entered it, you CAN get out of the rabbit hole. You just have to find another way out of it. But you'll never be the same. It's ugly. But it's beautiful at the same time. There is hope, whether you decide to stay in the church or leave it. Everyone must decide for themselves. Don't be in a hurry to decide. It's your journey. It's your pain. It's your joy. Just hang in there because you. are. not. alone.

Sources

Following are some sources that I mentioned in this blog post.

Gospel topics essays on the church's web site:

https://www.lds.org/topics/essays?lang=eng

Links to individual essays that made my head spin:

• Book of Mormon Translation: https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-translation
• Race and the Priesthood: https://www.lds.org/topics/race-and-the-priesthood
• Translation and Historicity of the Book of Abraham: https://www.lds.org/topics/translation-and-historicity-of-the-book-of-abraham
• Plural Marriage in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints
• Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo
• Plural Marriage and Families in Early Utah: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-and-families-in-early-utah
• The Manifesto and the End of Plural Marriage: https://www.lds.org/topics/the-manifesto-and-the-end-of-plural-marriage
• First Vision Accounts: https://www.lds.org/topics/first-vision-accounts

A few sources mentioned in the footnotes of the essays:

• In Utah, the first wife was part of the plural marriage ceremony, standing between her husband and the bride and placing the hand of the bride in the hand of the husband. “Celestial Marriage,” The Seer 1 (Feb. 1853): 31.
• "In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith" by Todd Compton: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/400736.In_Sacred_Loneliness
• "Rough Stone Rolling" by Richard L. Bushman: https://deseretbook.com/p/joseph-smith-rough-stone-rolling-richard-l-bushman-5351
• "The Joseph Smith Papers" project: http://josephsmithpapers.org/doc/introduction-to-journals-volume-2
• Start at the paragraph that reads: "By December 1842, the end of the first year covered in these journals, Joseph Smith had explained the doctrine of plural marriage to a few of his closest associates and was practicing it himself."

 

Videos on the main gospel topics page:

• Steven Snow - What about historical questions? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=what-about-historical-questions
• Anthony Perkins - How will gospel topics be enhanced? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-will-gospel-topics-be-enhanced
• Paul Pieper - How does the gospel topics section help me? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-does-the-gospel-topics-section-help-me

 

Gordon B. Hinckley interview on Larry King Live:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAsNMWwRXvs

• Start at 11:35 where they discuss polygamy. Hinckley says that polygamy started when the Mormons came west. He says that it was permitted on a restricted scale and that it was safeguarded. He said that it was discontinued in 1890, and that it is not doctrinal.

 

Polygamy did not end after the 1890 manifesto by Wilford Woodroof

Unlike the 1890 Manifesto, the LDS Church has not canonized the "Second Manifesto," which is explained here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Manifesto

 

Scripture that talks about plural marriage and threatening Emma with destruction if she didn't agree to polygamy:

Doctrine and Covenants 132: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132

 

Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same

Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng#38

 

When the prophet speaks the debate is over

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/08/the-debate-is-over

CES hiring policy change announcement - do not hire people who are currently divorced; used to also not hire people who had ever been divorced, even if they were remarried; used to also not hire women who had children at home, although they would hire men who had children at home

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865615543/LDS-women-with-children-now-eligible-for-full-time-seminary-institute-jobs.html?pg=all

And finally, a humorous YouTube video that had nothing to do with my disaffection but sarcastically and humorously describes the gospel topics essays that did have a lot to do with my disaffection. :-)

Brother Jake Presents - A Gospel Topics Commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ1ouziD56o

My Difficult Choice of 2015 - The Future is Bright

Dear friends and family who are reading this blog...please know how important you are to me and how much I love and care for you. Please know that I am happy, content, and am living my life in the best way that I know how. For some of you, this blog post will be a shock. You might feel hurt or confused. Others of you will be happy for me and think that it's about time that I made a decision. All of your feelings are valid, just as mine are. So please hear me out and keep an open mind as you read this post. As you might imagine, this is a difficult post to write, but it is also something that I've wanted to do for several months. It is time.

Background

As most of you know, I have been a Mormon my entire life. I was born into a family that belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons). My family history in this particular religion goes back to its beginnings in the early 1800s when the church was founded by Joseph Smith. In fact, all of my ancestors on both my mom's and dad's families were early converts to Mormonism. They knew Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and the other early church leaders. I don't think that any of my people were part of the inner circle, but they associated with these leaders because the church was very small back then, and everybody knew everybody. My ancestors crossed the plains in covered wagons to escape religious persecution in the United States and to start a new life in Utah, which was not yet part of the U.S. Some of them sailed by ship from Norway via Liverpool, England. Some of them sailed from New York to San Francisco and then traveled to Utah by mule as part of the religious movement. Others served in the Mormon Battalion, which meant serving the same country that they were in the process of leaving. I admire their fortitude and strength and for following their hearts and dreams, even though it was probably the most difficult thing that they had ever done. They did it at great personal cost. I have researched a lot about my people, and I feel connected to them. I am proud of that heritage.

My dad served a mission for the church. My mom has played the organ at church since before I was born. My parents were married in the Idaho Falls Temple in 1953, which means that they covenanted with God and with each other that their marriage would be eternal, provided that they both continued to be worthy in this life. They were promised that their children would also be part of their eternal family, provided that all of us continued being worthy throughout our lives on earth. If any of us strayed or were otherwise deemed unworthy, we would not be able to be part of the eternal family after death. So throughout my life, there has been tremendous motivation, faith, and even fear that I would remain worthy in God's eyes so that I could be with my family forever.

I give this brief background so you understand a little of my religious heritage that has been part of me for the past 50 years. My roots in Mormonism run deep. I was a true believer all my life.

My Life - My Decision

I decided midway through 2015 to step away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Initially, it was my intent to take an indefinite sabbatical to try to wrap my head around numerous issues, doctrines, teachings, and policies that have caused me much angst over the past couple of years. However, over the past few months as I have studied, prayed, and tried to see the big picture, and tried to reconcile some big things, I've decided to completely step away. In other words, my decision is that I am leaving Mormonism.

Oh, friends and family that are Mormon, my biggest concern right now is for you and your reaction. I'm not so concerned about what you will think of me, but of how my decision might cause you sorrow or pain. I don't want to be a source of sadness and pain for anyone. Some of you will be sincerely concerned about my eternal salvation and everything that I've given up according to church teachings. Your fears and concerns are valid. I just want to acknowledge that. I care about you. I always have, and I always will.

Please know that I tried to find ways to stay, even when I stopped believing. It came to the point where church was no longer a healthy place for me to be. Some of you have witnessed this.

I did not make my decision lightly, and I did not make the decision overnight. There's no other way to describe it except that it has been a slow, painful, gut-wrenching awakening that has taken more than a year. It started in the last half of 2014, and I came to my decision about a year later.

The most important thing is now I have my integrity back (I'll explain in a future blog post), and I feel at peace with my decision. Completely.

A Little Humor? I'm Still the Same Person! Please Read This!

If you don't read anything else, please read this part! I'm still the same person that I've always been. I'm still just as introverted, just as compassionate, and just as ornery as I've always been. I'm just as concerned about my own insecurities as I've always been. I still have really bad allergies to cedar and mold! I still struggle with my weight. I still play the piano. I still like to foster kittens. I still hate to load the dishwasher and do laundry. I still love to go on walks and take photos. I still have a really weird sense of humor. I still love and adore my grandchildren. I still wish that my kicks were higher in TaeKwonDo. I still love my fireplace. I still have my career. I still clean my own toilets. I still like the Longhorns. I still have a messy home office. I still have a sincere heart and good intentions. I still have a lot of love, peace, and joy in my life. These things will not change.

For those of you who know me only from being in the same church, we will still have lots of things to talk about. Your families, your activities, your hobbies, your health habits. I'm okay with you talking about church things around me. I'm okay if you invite me to a baptism or other important church-related event for you. I feel this way about anyone in my life, regardless of religious preference.

A good friend who is Mormon called me a couple of weeks ago to ask some advice about the  women's conference that she's helping to plan this year, even though she knows that I no longer attend church. I was delighted that she treated me NORMALLY, like she always has, and that she didn't have an underlying agenda (such as reactivating me) when she called me.

Let's please just not be awkward! :-)

My Reasons Why and Why Not

I'll go into more details about "why" in subsequent blog posts, but for now I will list things that did NOT cause me to decide to leave Mormonism:

•  I was not offended. I want to list this first because it's a common misconception that people leave Mormonism because they were offended. Did some people annoy the heck out of me? Yes, absolutely! Did I get offended from time to time? Yes, absolutely! I think we all have. But I would never leave over being offended.
• No one in my ward or stake affected my decision. If any message comes across to you, my Mormon friends and family, please know that I love and care for the people who have been in my wards and stakes throughout the years. My decision has nothing to do with anything that you did or did not do. The reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to lose the weekly association with you. I didn't want to lose the sense of community that you automatically get by being part of the church. Most of all, I love the sisters in the Round Rock Stake. I will discuss my calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency in a future blog post because I feel like I owe it to my sisters to share my heart. My decision will be surprising to some of them because I was in a stake leadership position when my faith transition began. My concern and love for you has always been real. I will always consider you as my sisters.
• I'm not looking for an excuse to "sin." For those of you who know my story, being a Mormon never stopped me from sinning. I had a rough few years when I was trying to find my way in life, and I sinned plenty. We all do, if we're being honest. If I wanted to just go out and sin (whatever it might be), I'd do it anyway. Leaving the church has nothing to do with my lifestyle preferences.
• I was not burned out. Well, yes, actually I was. :-) Again, I think we all get burned out with church responsibilities. But I've been burned out plenty of times before and haven't left the church over it. And even though I have to admit that it's nice not to have a bunch of church responsibilities anymore, it's not a reason to leave and give up the association of my church community.
• There was never a time that I wasn't all in. A common misconception is that a person who leaves the church must not have had a very strong testimony. Otherwise, they would never leave, no matter what. I'll go into this in a later blog post because this is really important to address. But for now, just know that I believed it all. Even if something was difficult, or even if I had concerns, I believed it all. I had faith that if only I followed the brethren at the top, everything would be okay. I defended the church my whole life because I believed in it so strongly.
• There was no "final straw." As many of you know, a few thousand people recently resigned from the church after the new policy involving gay couples and the children of gay parents was leaked to the press, which resulted in the church having to make a public statement. This was the final straw for many. But I want to make it clear that there was no final straw for me. I had already decided to leave the church several weeks before the new policy was put into place. I had already decided to write a blog, but I delayed it so it wouldn't get caught up in the debate and emotion of that particular policy. Do I support the policy? No, not at all. I think it's a horrendous policy that is not from God. But it was not a factor in my decision to leave the church because my decision had already been made before the policy came out. The policy only confirmed that my decision to leave the church was the right decision.
• I didn't read anti-Mormon literature. On the contrary, I followed the counsel of the brethren and studied only the approved curriculum that is taught in the weekly church meetings. And I read books by general authorities, or other books that were published by the church's own Deseret Book Store. (Somehow I missed "Rough Stone Rolling," though!) Whenever I would hear anti-Mormon rhetoric, I would defend the church and its history and teachings and policies. I would correct the person that was telling me these lies. I saw part of a South Park episode where they showed Joseph Smith looking in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon. I thought it was an anti-Mormon lie, and I wasn't shy in saying so. Now I know that it wasn't a lie at all, but I'll get into all of that with a future blog post because it is so very key to my disaffection with the church and the brethren.
• My local ecclesiastical leaders didn't punish me or chastise me. They supported me in my journey to find truth and to find out what I believed in and what I didn't. I have nothing but respect for the two local male leaders that I have discussed my issues with in the past year, and with the one female local leader that I also discussed my issues with. The other female local leader didn't want to hear any of it, and because of that I will talk about the responsibility of leadership to minister to their flock in a future block post. I plan to meet with the two male leaders again to discuss my decision and to thank them for treating me with respect during our deep and frank conversations. I will write more about this in a future blog post as well because I think that both of these local men handled my situation in the best way for me and my personal growth and journey. You don't always find that in local leadership.

Why a Blog Post to Announce Something So Personal?

• Because I want to ensure that I'm conveying what is honest and true in my heart.
• Because I want you to hear all of this from me and not from any rumors or from others who might assume what is in my heart or what my experience is. It is MY experience, so I want to be as clear as possible about everything that I communicate.
• Because I only want to tell the whole long, messy, roller coaster of a story once. :-)
• Because I have lots of friends and family in multiple wards and stakes and in multiple states across the U.S., and this is the most efficient way to let them know of my decision.
• I don't want people to guess or assume why they think I've left.
• I want to minimize any confusion and hurt that others might experience by reading this.
• I want you to hear my reasons using my own words. I don't want to be the subject of mystery or gossip.
• Because there is probably someone out there who will be helped by reading my experience.
• Because I want to put a name and face on the type of people who are leaving. As many of you might know, people are leaving the church at an alarming rate. Or if they aren't leaving, they are nonbelievers trying to make it work for them. As people leave, they are put into a category called apostates. What an ugly word to describe someone who is trying to do what's best for their life. Technically, you could say that I'm an apostate. But I really hope not to be labeled like that. I'm Christie and will always be Christie. I am a woman, friend, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, career woman, homemaker, yard worker, musician, and humanitarian.

Conclusion (for this post)

A faith transition is traumatic. It is painful. On one hand, you want to tell everyone what you are going through. On the other hand, you want to tell no one because of the potential judgment, shunning, and even the fear by some that you will rub off on them and throw them into a faith crisis, too. It is not my intent to cause a faith crisis for anyone. It is my intent to share my truth, my journey, in the hopes that it will enlarge my heart and yours. That maybe some of the fear between active Mormons and former Mormons can be lessened or even eliminated. We are still all in this same world together, and we all want basically the same things - happiness, peace, a home, family, friends, and joy.

You may disagree with some things that I write, but it's okay. Each of us has our way of looking at the world. It's a beautiful thing. It brings balance to the world to have differing opinions and experiences.

I hope you read my future blog posts because I will talk about some of the details of my faith transition, and what I like to call my awakening. For anyone who is planning to stay Mormon, perhaps my experiences will help you understand a loved one that has left the church. For those who have left Mormonism, perhaps some of my posts will resonate with you, and you won't feel alone. For those who are still Mormon but are having a hard time with things, perhaps you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave. For anyone who has never been Mormon, perhaps you'll recognize some of the same issues in your own lives.

Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering...yes, my mother knows! She is an active Mormon and has been for her entire life of 80 years. Our relationship is good.

Thank you for sticking it out and reading until the end of this first post. You are brave for doing so, and you have endurance! May you have a wonderful 2016. The future is definitely bright!

Hurricane Katrina Followup - October 2005

Originally published May 18, 2008

I promised a blog about my experience going to New Orleans after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. So here goes. I apologize for the length of this post, but I'm still leaving out a ton of stuff!

I went to New Orleans in October 2005 to help retrieve items and check on a few homes. Two evacuees (Lillian Austin and her 17-year-old grandson) went with me, and we recovered clothing and photographs from their upstairs bedrooms that were not damaged by flooding or mold. Even though it was October, the weather was hot, muggy, and miserable. The first floor of their home was covered in black sludge, which was extremely slick. Furniture was all topsy-turvy, and mold covered the walls almost up to the ceiling. We had to wear boots, gloves, and masks. It was so hot that I tried not wearing a mask, but the mold was so bad that I couldn't breathe very well without the mask. The second floor was better, except for the hole in the roof and thousands of cockroaches.

Here is a picture of their house, which is actually a duplex. They lived on the left side of the duplex. Notice that everything outside is dead and crusty.

Lillian's car was completely submerged for weeks. You can see the different water/sludge markings on her car as the water receded. The minivan next door had also been completely submerged. There were thousands and thousands of cars in the same predicament.

Speaking of that minivan, when the water started rising in their neighborhood, Lillian and her two grandsons (the 17 year-old and a 5 year-old) went to the second level in their house. The water had reached the eaves of all of the one-story houses in their neighborhood. The only way they could escape was to wade down the stairs into the water that was up to the ceiling, hold their breath, and swim underwater out the front door. Then, they took refuge on the roof of the minivan, which was underwater, but at least they were able to stand on it until a boat came for them. I can't imagine the terror and fear that they went through.

As a side note, just before they swam out of their house, the older grandson took pictures of the floodwaters with his cell phone, and then he left his cell phone in his bedroom. Then, when we went back to their home in October, his cell phone was still there with those pictures on it. It was unbelievable how high the water had been!

Here's a picture of their living room.
The kitchen. It's a good thing that I don't have a sense of smell. And yes, that's a refrigerator lying on the kitchen floor.
This is a picture looking down their street. Everything was desolate. This was only the first or second day that residents were allowed back into New Orleans, so hardly anyone was there. There was no electricity, no water, no sewer, no stop lights, no street signs, no stop signs, no air conditioning, no sounds of traffic, no sounds of birds, no nothing.

Next door, another family had started to retrieve what little they had left. They saw me taking pictures of Lillian's house and the street and asked if I was with the Red Cross. I told them no, but I was just here to help out Lillian after meeting her in the shelter in Austin. This poor family had almost nothing left. Not only was their entire first floor flooded completely like Lillian's, but their roof had several holes in it, allowing rain to come in and ruin almost everything.

They looked to me for guidance on what to keep and what to throw away. I'm no expert, but they thought that I was. Based on what I had seen on TV over the past few weeks, I was able to help a little bit. One item that they were able to keep was a large photo album that had been tucked away in a closet on the first floor. The closet was jammed shut, so the flood waters weren't able to reach the top of it. Even though there was some damage to the album, the photos were fine.

This family didn't have any water, gloves, or masks with them. Being a Mormon who seems to always be prepared for something, I had purchased a ton of extra gloves, masks, and water. So I was able to give them these items, for which they were so grateful. There was nowhere to get water or anything in New Orleans, and in their anxiousness to get home, they hadn't thought of preparing themselves for the day. I'm so glad that we were there at the same time they were.

Here are some other pictures of New Orleans from that day.


In another house on Bruxelle Street, I was able to retrieve photographs and a few precious items for Miss Alice Maney, a widow in her 70s. The most important item was an 1800s-era portrait of her great-grandparents, who had been slaves. Miss Alice still lives in Austin and has been very ill since the hurricane. She shares the same birth date as Martin Luther King, Jr., and she is very proud of that fact. Her husband was a Zulu Warrior. She has no children. Although she has been torn from her home, she believes that God sent her here to Austin where people care about her and love her.

Fortunately, her home (also a duplex) was built on blocks and is on higher ground, so the living area wasn't touched by floodwaters. For Alice, the evacuation was a much worse experience than the hurricane was. The day after the hurricane, she laid down to take a nap before going to the grocery store. Her keys and coin purse were next to the front door, ready for when she woke up from her nap. Well, sometime during that day, the floodwaters came, and people were yelling at her to get out and get in the boat outside. She had no idea what was going on. So she put on her slippers, grabbed her keys and coin purse, and stepped into the water toward the boat. One of her slippers got caught on something, and she panicked and thought she was going to drown. You can see the duplex in this picture. She had stepped off the side of her porch. You can see her white slipper underneath the gate where it got caught.

Eventually, however, she got into the boat, and they took her and others to the freeway overpass. I can't remember how long she was there before being taken to a military airplane, strapped down to the floor because there were no seats, and flown to Austin. It was those very keys (rusted and nearly ruined) that I took with me back to New Orleans and used to gain entrance to her duplex and retrieve her things.

Here are a few pictures around the block that she lived on.



I also checked on a home where Alcide Wiltz and his sister lived (a duplex). I wasn't able to get into the home because there were no keys, but I took pictures for Alcide, some of which you see here. Their home will be demolished because of the damage caused by flooding and mold. You can see the various water/sludge lines on the side of the house and the fence. The markings on the front of the house indicate when the house was checked for survivors, the deceased, and animals.

Alcide came to our church Christmas party that year and performed two songs for us: "The Lord's Prayer" and "O, Holy Night." He still lives in Austin, sharing an apartment with his mother Gertrude Clark. His sister is now living in Arkansas with their pets. They will probably never return to New Orleans.

In the midst of all this, the hymn "Where Can I Turn for Peace" came to my mind. In this last section of the blog, I'll describe our journey there and our journey back. You'll then understand when and where peace finally came.

We left for New Orleans around 7pm on Tuesday, October 4, 2005. Because of the large number of evacuees from both Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there was no vacancy in any hotels or motels along the Gulf Coast. Beaumont had been hit hard by Hurricane Rita. So while Hurricane Katrina had destroyed everything from New Orleans east through Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, Hurricane Rita destroyed everything east of Houston, all the way to Lafayette, Louisiana. I remember driving along I-10 in the dark, seeing billboards and trees laying on the side of the freeway. Power lines were down everywhere, and therefore, there was no electricity in most places. It's very difficult to describe the devastation everywhere. It was surreal and pretty eery, to say the least.

We ended up sleeping in the car along the side of the freeway near Orange, Texas (border of Texas and Louisiana). Everyone else had the same idea because there was nowhere else to sleep.

Fortunately, there was a gas station open just south of Baton Rouge, so we were able to fill up with gas and be on our way. I don't know if you've ever been to Louisiana, but it is filled with a bunch of water. Swamps, bayous, lakes -- water everywhere. New Orleans is basically cut off from the rest of the land (what little land there is). We arrived in New Orleans around noon on Wednesday, October 5. The scene was devastating. There were boats parked alongside the freeway overpasses, houses and apartments were off their foundations. Because the wind and water had knocked down street signs, it was difficult to tell where we were going sometimes.

Also, we had to be sure and be out of there before dark, so we left New Orleans by 5pm. The police warned us to get out of there before dark because the criminals had already started living around there again, and it would be pitch black at night because of no electricity. Plus, I think that I was the only white person around at the time, so I attracted attention. It shouldn't be like that, but it is...plain and simple.

We drove to Baton Rouge and were just plain exhausted. There was no way that I could sleep in the car again. Plus, we were disgustingly filthy from the day's work. We really needed to get cleaned up or risk getting sick. Well, being Mormon, I realized that it was a Wednesday night, and there was probably Mutual going on somewhere. If we could just find a church, we would be okay.

Before we initially left on this journey, I printed out some phone numbers of church leadership in the area, so I tried those numbers. I finally found out where the stake center was located, so we went there. Mutual was just getting over. We were saved! Lillian and her grandson stayed in my car (they were uncomfortable going in at first), while I traipsed through the hallways looking for someone who looked important. I didn't find anyone except for some boys playing basketball, so I found a bishop's office and knocked. Someone opened the door, and they were having a meeting in there, all dressed in church clothes. Oh, boy, I was a messy sight! I explained the situation, and the bishop said of course we could stay there. He said that the stake center had been a shelter for Hurricane Katrina evacuees, and there was still a ton of food in the kitchen, and there still might be a mattress and some blankets.

I went out to the car and got Lillian and her grandson. With help of another bishop, I found a mattress and blanket for them, and we set them up in a classroom. We couldn't find anything for me, but I didn't care. I was feeling so much better already. One of the bishopric members offered to put us up in his home, but Lillian just wanted to stay put in the church. So everyone else finally left, and we set out to find something to eat in the kitchen. There was so much food in there! We had a feast!

Also, because this was a stake center, there were showers in the restrooms. We took showers and had to use paper towels to dry off because our other towels got dirty. I threw away our boots, gloves, and masks, and took them outside to the dumpster. After Lillian and her grandson got settled, I decided to lie down in the Relief Society room. Lying there, even though I was uncomfortable without a blanket or pillow, I felt so taken care of. I was in the Lord's house. He knew that we were there, and He took care of us. The showers, the food, the safe place to sleep -- it was for us. In the Relief Society Room, there was a door to the outside. I opened it, and saw the most amazing view. The Baton Rouge Temple was lit up, just outside my door! Where can I turn for peace? It was all around me. The Holy Ghost was present. Comfort and peace were present.

I was having a difficult time getting to sleep, so I went to the chapel and played the piano for about an hour. Just me, the piano, and the hymn book. More peace. Finally, I felt like I could sleep, so I found a sofa just outside the stake president's office and slept there until morning. I was really cold, but I still felt very much taken care of.

Before we left for Austin, Lillian gathered some food items from the kitchen to take with her. The night before, the bishop told her to take food home with her. Also, she loved the artwork on the walls, so I took pictures of the artwork to give to her later. I also found some pass-along cards with some church artwork, which she loved! And do you know what her favorite painting was? The one of Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove listening to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She was a Baptist, but that was her favorite one.

We arrived back in Austin around 4pm on Thursday, October 6, and put Lillian's belongings into storage. I took Alice's items to her the next day, for which she was grateful beyond words. Alice has made it clear that when she dies, all of her historical photographs will go to me. I feel so humbled and honored for this, as well as everything that the Lord allowed me to do during this time.

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

EDIT ADDED in 2016: I am no longer Mormon, but these fond memories of the help and comfort that we received in Baton Rouge will always remain with me. I've decided to keep the text as-is because that's what reality was at that time.

Hurricane Katrina - August 2005

Originally published May 4, 2008

I promised a blog about Hurricane Katrina and my experience working with evacuees from New Orleans.

This is a writeup that I submitted to our Community Relations department at IBM back in September 2005. They asked that anyone who was involved with Hurricane Katrina relief efforts to share their stories. So here goes:

I'm not sure where to begin. There are so many facets to this experience that it's impossible to put it into an e-mail, but I'll try to share at least a taste of my volunteer experience. When the horror was unfolding on TV in New Orleans, I felt a deep sense of hopelessness and frustration at the situation. As soon as I heard that some of the evacuees were coming to Austin, I called the Red Cross and Hill Country Community Ministries to get on some sort of volunteer list. After a couple of agonizing days not hearing anything, I was finally asked to volunteer at the Austin Convention Center over Labor Day weekend. At the time, there were about 4000 evacuees at the convention center, most of whom had been there less than 24 hours. As I walked through the first big room, I was almost overcome with emotion and had to blink back my tears. There were rows and rows and more rows of cots full of people who had lost everything and who were still disoriented at that point. I felt like I was imposing in a way. I felt like a deer in the headlights. It was surreal, to say the least.

Thankfully, the first evacuee that I met was Gertrude Clark, age 84. She was so warm and gracious that I was at ease from that point on. For the next three weeks, I volunteered at the shelter after work and on weekends. My daughter (a student at UT) was able to volunteer with me a few times. Mostly what we did was walk through our assigned areas and meet the needs of the people. Some of the needs included getting more blankets, helping get their medications from the pharmacy, playing with the children, or just be a listening ear. Each time I went, I made a point to visit with Gertrude. It wasn't until just a few days ago that I realized she wasn't calling me by my name--she was calling me "Miracle."

The entire setup was awesome. There was a big cafeteria where hot meals were served three times every day. Snacks and drinks were available 24/7. There was a schedule for taking showers. There was a supply area where evacuees could fill out a form and get the items they needed, such as shampoo, backpacks, extra pillowcases, etc. A children's play area and library were set up, as well as a place where clothing was sorted by size. There was a CVS pharmacy inside that was open 24/7 so we could get urgent medications to the folks who needed it. There was even a free hair salon! One of the highlights for the evacuees (and for the volunteers!) was a fish fry, a fantastic band that played Motown, and a couple of Austin celebrities named Matthew and Sandra. :-) (For out-of-towners, these were Matthew McConoughey and Sandra Bullock.)

At one point, the city and the Red Cross stopped taking in-kind donations because of the overwhelming response. However, there were several larger-sized people inside the shelter that still needed clothing. I sent an e-mail out to my church, and within two days, I had all the large clothing that I had asked for. Also, I collected bandanas from co-workers to take to the shelter because they were such a hot commodity!

It was amazing to observe the resilience of these people. Most had been through a living hell--stuck in the Superdome for five days, stuck in the New Orleans convention center, rescued from the rooftops by helicopter, spending days and nights on the overpasses, etc. Several people were senior citizens, grandmothers, great-grandmothers. There was also a large number of young mothers with several children, even infants. For the first few days, a lot of people (young and old) needed wheelchairs due to the injuries they received while wading through the murcky water or standing in lines, or from plain exhaustion. The biggest thing that struck me was their positive attitudes, their expression of gratitude toward the people of Texas, and their faith in God that everything would be okay. The children were happy, even as the days dragged into weeks. Some of them were quite spoiled with all the toys, clothes, and stuffed animals that were donated! The young boys loved to race in the wheelchairs that weren't being used.

While volunteering, I met so many good people from New Orleans--Gertrude, Mama Rose, Janet, Miss Alice, Alcide, little Jesse, little Derek, baby Isaiah, and many others. I am still keeping in touch with several of them now that the shelter is closed, and with help from church friends, I've been able to get household items delivered to their apartments here in Austin. It's my hope that I can write Gertrude's biography over the next year. Most of the people that I talked to are not planning to return to New Orleans. They love Austin. Even though they have lost so much, many of them see this as an opportunity. One man named Duncan put it this way, "If I would have known about all the opportunities out here, I would have left long ago."

I just wanted to pass along their gratitude to all of you who have helped, whether it be in time, donations, prayers, etc. They are so thankful for the kindness that they've received while in Texas. As with any kind of experience such as this, you get so much more out of it than what you put into it, and that's definitely what happened to me. Thanks for letting me share this experience.

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That's the end of my write-up for IBM. I can't believe it has been nearly 3 years since that tragic event. I think about it often. I didn't get Gertrude's biography written, but she still lives in Austin, as does Miss Alice. They live in the same apartment complex on MLK, along with several other senior citizens from New Orleans. They weren't home owners and therefore have no control over whether or not to return home. I cannot imagine never being able to return to the only home that I've ever known. Here's a video that I found on YouTube that sums things up pretty well.

I also want to write about a couple of other things while they're on my mind. There was so much sickness throughout the 4000 evacuees at the Austin Convention Center. Keep in mind that many of them had waded through the contaminated water in New Orleans to get to safety -- water filled with all manner of bacteria, oil, gasoline, sewage, and dead bodies, both animal and human. After arriving at a safer place, there was no food or water for them. For those who got to the freeway overpasses, there was no shade. They didn't have clean clothing to change into, they didn't have any way to wash their hands or perform any kind of hygiene. When they were finally rescued from New Orleans, they were still dressed in their filthy clothing, still hadn't been able to clean themselves, or anything. Then some of them made the 8+ hour bus ride to Austin, while others were on military planes without any seats to sit on. They had to sit on the floor and be strapped down like cargo.

Because of these circumstances, when they arrived at Austin, they had to strip down and take showers, given clean clothing, go to a triage unit to assess their medical needs, and find a cot to call home for an indefinite period of time. As I stated before, many people, both old and young, required wheelchairs for the first several days because of exhaustion, illness, injury, or all of the above. No one had their medications with them, so we frantically worked with CVS to get the medications to the most urgent cases, such as diabetes. People were wretching their stomachs out and having diarreah issues. I remember one man in particular sitting on the edge of his cot with his head down. It took me a moment, but then I saw that he was throwing up. I grabbed a mop and cleaned it up for him. He was so grateful.

Another case was a little girl, maybe age 2 or 3. I was standing in line at the CVS trailer to get prescriptions for people, and a young mother was also in line, holding her little girl. Without any warning, the little girl threw up all over her mom, her new stuffed toy, and a little on me. For anyone who knows me, you know that seeing or hearing vomit makes me want to vomit, but for some reason, none of it bothered me. I know that I was blessed for that short period of time not to get sick. The little girl was so sad because we had to throw away her new stuffed animal and strip her down. She was crying uncontrollably -- it was so pitiful! Anyhow, I happened to have brought a few stuffed animals from home that day, and I had one left. So I gave it to her, and her tears stopped immediately!

As we would go from cot to cot checking on people, there were those for which we had to summon a nurse because they were too weak or sick to take care of themselves. The nurses and EMTs were amazing! Some people were so sick that they were transferred to hospitals or to another area in the shelter where medical staff were there round the clock.

Another thing to remember is that many of these people didn't know where their other family members were. They didn't know if they were dead or alive, or if they made it safely to a shelter. When they got on busses, airplanes, and helicopters, they didn't know what their destination was until they got there. Many times, they were told that they were going one place, but they ended up in another place. Confusion and disorientation.

Well, I think that's all that I had on my mind. Of course, there's always more to remember and more to tell, so maybe that will come at a later time.

After writing the piece for IBM, I had more amazing experiences that I'll write about in another blog sometime. In early October of the same year, Hurricane Rita came calling. A week later, I made the trip to New Orleans to retrieve some belongings of some of the evacuees. I think that I've written all of that down somewhere, so I'll try to find it and post it here.

In the meantime, here's a picture of Gertrude, Heather, Miss Alice, and me after a Christmas concert in South Austin.