Watching the tail lights disappear

When I was about five years old, my oldest sister ran away from home. I thought it sounded like a good idea, so I told my parents that I wanted to run away from home, too. I remember packing my suitcase in my bedroom upstairs. I included my favorite Christmas book. My dad saw the book and removed it from my suitcase while saying something like, “Santa doesn’t visit kids who run away.” 

I remember riding in my dad’s car. He drove me out of our little town and into the wilderness. It was dark outside. He dropped me off and drove away, my five-year-old self watching the tail lights disappear over the horizon. I really don’t remember how long I was out there. But I remember how I felt, even though it happened more than 50 years ago. Alone, abandoned, disoriented, and afraid.

My dad died when I was 24 years old, leaving me with unfinished business and complicated feelings that have taken a lifetime to work through. My mom lived alone for decades.

Less than a year ago, my mom died. She was 86. Her only brother, my favorite uncle, also died last year, just a few months after my mom died. They were the last two people on the planet that loved and nurtured me when I was a child. Even though their deaths were part of the normal circle of life, and they were both ready for it, their loss has affected me more than I anticipated. I was with each of them, holding their hands as their lungs stopped breathing and their hearts stopped beating. I saw my mom leave. It feels more difficult for me now than it was in those moments because I replay it in my mind, and I feel their absence so deeply.

Tonight as I lay awake in bed, an image came in my mind that illustrated my feelings of aloneness in this world. I saw myself somewhere in the wilderness, and the picture quickly zoomed out until I was a tiny speck in the vast, empty space. I saw this over and over in my mind. It was like the reverse of watching my dad’s tail lights disappear over the horizon. It was like me seeing me…that adult me…alone, abandoned, disoriented, and afraid, just like I was more than 50 years ago.

I felt compelled to get out of bed and write this down because it feels important to remember and share.

I do have family and friends who love and care about me. I have a full life. It’s a good life.

But I watched my mother leave last year. I watched her tail lights disappear over the horizon, and I still feel it.

Eradicating unworthiness - our loved ones can be "loved" ones

It's been a LONG time since I posted anything here. I think I need to write more. It helps me, and it helps others. So here goes. Come along with me in my self-therapy session.

Some background and context:

During the past couple of years, I've been experiencing physical symptoms where it felt like I was going to die. And I don't want to die. I have too much good in my life, too much that I still want to do. I've gone to the ER multiple times, and several weeks ago, I finally got to the point that I believe that these are panic attacks...not heart problems or blood clots or strokes or anything like that. So I've been working on healing myself from them.

Tonight, I had another panic attack seemingly out of nowhere, and I healed myself out of it. And then I realized where this one came from, so I'm writing about it. As I was breathing and working through some yoga movements, my mind processed so many things simultaneously, so I hope that I can write in a way that makes sense to more people than just myself.

Trigger #1:

My daughter and I recently bought the 100-year-old house that I grew up in. It was official today! My daughter announced it on Facebook today and mentioned that she spent her first birthday in that house. I had forgotten about that, and then I went looking for photos of her when she was staying there with my parents.

I remembered one photo where she was sitting on a gallon container of ice cream in front of the big heater in the living room, so I looked for that one first, and I found it.

As I looked at that photo and a few others of her celebrating her first birthday in that house, a deep feeling of sadness enveloped me. You see, I wasn't with her on her first birthday. I sent her to stay with my parents for a while so I could get on my feet. As a single mom who gave birth and was raising her completely on my own, I was at my wits end both financially and emotionally. I was making less than $5/hour at a tech company in Utah, and I couldn't pay for child care, food, diapers, or much of anything. I tried to apply for food stamps but was denied because I wouldn't disclose the father's name (and that's another story for another day). A co-worker brought groceries and left them on my doorstep once. I went to the emergency food bank once. I was failing.

My parents were kind enough to let my little girl come stay with them, and my younger sister was still living at home and could help out. After a month and a half, I couldn't deal with the separation anymore, and so my mom and sister brought my daughter back to me in Utah. She didn't remember me. At all. It was heartbreaking and traumatic for both of us. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I type this.

Throughout all of this, and for many years afterward, I felt unworthy because I was taught that I was unworthy. This feeling permeated everything. You can see it when you see old photos of me. The self-loathing, the self-disdain, the shame, the guilt. I didn't have the tools or support to get out of that cycle. In fact, the messages of unworthiness were reiterated to me numerous times in my religious practice.

• Single=something is wrong with you. Less than.
• Have a baby out of wedlock=Sinner. Tainted. Licked cupcake. Chewed up gum. Should've given your baby to a real family.
• Sex before marriage=a sin that's second only to murder in seriousness. Unworthy. Shameful. Guilty. A disappointment. And on and on.

Of course, I reject all of that way of thinking and believing now, but the memory of it seeped into my consciousness when I looked at those photos this evening. And I felt sad for my former self, for my little girl, for feeling shame and unworthiness when it wasn't necessary. So unnecessary.

Trigger #2:

The woman and her unbelieving dad

Also this evening, I was watching an interview of a woman who grew up in a home where her mom was a believer and her dad was not. As she was growing up, the woman viewed her dad as a failure, as someone who needed to get on board with the religion, as someone who was less than, shameful, a disappointment, unworthy. She couldn't understand why her dad didn't believe in the religion, and it affected their relationship for years in a negative way. Because he was unworthy.

She doesn't think the same way anymore, and she has compassion for her dad. She regrets all those years where she saw her dad as something less than what he really is. She cried as she told her story.

My inactive dad

The interview reminded me of my own dad. He was a believer, but he wasn't active in the faith. I saw him as a disappointment sometimes. Why couldn't he baptize me? I assumed that he was unworthy. There's no other explanation for it. He didn't even attend my baptism. He was less than, and he wasn't like the other church dads. Why couldn't he just get with the program? Why didn't he have more faith?

When he died less than two years after my daughter stayed with him and my mom, I was so very sad to realize that he probably wouldn't be in the highest heaven with the rest of us. Because he didn't pay tithing or attend church. Because he wasn't good enough. Because he didn't check all the right boxes. He was unworthy.

And of course, I don't feel the same way about my dad anymore. But it's too late to say it to him. He's been gone since 1989. Oh, what compassion I have for him now. And what regret I have for seeing him in that way.

My life partner

And then I think of my life partner. His own adult kids view him in that same way because he no longer believes in the religion that he was born in to. So he's viewed as unworthy. A disappointment. Less than. Won't be in the highest heaven with them. That he chose sin (leaving the religion) over eternal life with his family. He no longer checks all the right boxes. It's not their fault that they believe that. I'm not even upset with them...because that's what they were taught to believe. And it's painful and real for them.

What my mother gave me

I had a conversation with my adult daughter recently, and we were talking about what our former church possibly gave to her. I suggested that perhaps the church gave her music, or at least the opportunity to perform music. She quickly corrected me and said, "No, Mom. You're the one that gave that to me." After some discussion about it, we concluded that church was just one of many avenues that we had for participating in music, but the church didn't give her (or me) the gift of music. In fact, my own mother gave it to me, and I shared it with my daughter and grandchildren.

So I've been thinking about that conversation and started thinking about all the gifts that my own mother has given to me. As I've thought about this, gratitude for my own mom has come to the forefront of my thoughts.

The first thing that anyone thinks of when it comes to my mom is music. Piano, organ, accordion, and trumpet. She taught me all of that. She started teaching me on the piano when I was about three years old. I performed piano and organ duets with her in public by the time that I was four years old. As I got a bit older, she taught me the other instruments, and I can still play all of them except for the trumpet. I switched to baritone horn during high school when I had braces, and I continued playing it during junior college. My mom found piano teachers for me when I got to the point that I was ready for others to teach me. I really can't adequately express how big of a part that playing music in private, or in public, or with a group, has made in my life. Because of my mom, I had opportunities to get college scholarships and travel with performing groups and accompany community choirs and church choirs. Because of my mom, I have taught piano lessons to others, including my own daughter and grandchildren. Because of my mom, I've made lifelong friends through our love of music.

My mom also gave me other gifts...

• She taught me how to sew. She made many of my clothes growing up, including my homecoming and prom dresses. By the time that I was in high school, I was making a lot of my own clothes as well.
• She taught me how to balance a checkbook. Even with new software and online ways of doing it, I still do it how my mom taught me.
• She taught me about curiosity. She has always loved to learn things. She learned how to use a computer as an older adult, she learned how to reupholster furniture and automobile seats and created her own business doing it, she learned how to maintain cars, how to grow a garden, how to grow strawberries, how to perform music in public, how to sightread music, how to install carpet, how to make root beer, how to dehydrate food and build a dehydrator to do it, how to incubate eggs and let them hatch in to chicks.
• She made me so proud of her when she entered so many things in the county fair and got blue ribbons galore!
• She taught me how to do sand art and ceramics and macrame and crochet and knit.
• She taught me how to preserve fruit, jelly, and vegetables.
• She taught me how to drive defensively.
• She taught me how to read. And write. Before I went to school. She taught me how to write my name.
• She taught me how to read music.
• She shared with me the love of animals. For her, it's specifically dogs and horses.
• She might not know this, but she taught me forgiveness, patience, and kindness. We all go through phases of life when we separate ourselves from our parents, or blame them for things, or resent them for something, or disappoint them somehow. But my mom has loved me through all of it. Every single thing, every single time.
• She also gave me the gift of having an open mind. When I was going through the most difficult part of my faith transition a few years ago, she listened to me and didn't judge me or think that I was a bad person.
• She gave me the gift of being the same unpretentious person no matter where she is or who she is with. She has never pretended to be someone that she's not. She has never been fake or two-faced. She is always herself in every situation.
• She has shown me that you're never too old to enjoy watching NBA or MLB games on TV.
• She is a free spirit, deep down. You can't make her do anything or stop her from doing something if she wants to do it. Maybe it's frustrating sometimes, but I admire her for it.
• And she has a calm demeanor. Maybe I didn't get as much of that as I'd like. But I do make up for that in passion. :-)

There's more, and I'll add to this list as I think about it. 

My mother is so much a part of me. Not just her DNA, but her soul. Yes, I'm my own person with my own thoughts and wishes and opinions. But I'm grateful that much of my core is shared with my mom. 

What I learned from knowing Nandkishor

A long-time colleague in India passed away last weekend after a long and painful bout with cancer. I never got to meet Nandkishor in person, but we worked together on various projects for several years. In addition to being his colleague, I consider him a friend. But it wasn't always that way. Let me explain...

My first experience with Nandkishor was during the years when my employer laid off a lot of American employees and replaced them with Indian workers. In my job as a technical writer, we write the documents in English, and then the documents are translated into more than 14 languages. It's imperative that the English be (nearly) perfect. Enter our new Indian colleagues who replaced our American counterparts and who were now writing documentation. English wasn't their first language, and it showed in how they wrote. As a team lead who had lost a lot of my American coworkers to offshoring, I was now responsible for teaching and guiding our new colleagues that we would never meet in person. It was frustrating, to say the least. And at some point, maybe they would replace us, too. The situation was tense at times.

Nandkishor and his counterparts were nice enough guys. It wasn't their fault that we were all in such a predicament. But it took a few Indian coworkers to do the same work that one American worker could do. I was frustrated by so much wasted time on simple things. I had little time for chit-chat and relationship-building, but Nandkishor and another Indian writer monopolized my time with their neediness, both with meaningless chit-chat and with requests for help. This lasted for a few years. I continually mentioned my concerns to management, and Nandkishor was eventually put on a performance improvement plan. If he couldn't cut it within a 3-month time period, he would be let go. At the time, I couldn't wait for that day to happen. I was so exhausted and overworked that it would be easier to do the work myself than to keep teaching Nandkishor.

More things happened, but it's not important to the story. Nandkishor ended up staying employed, and we eventually were assigned to different but related projects. I finally had a reprieve!

In the meantime, I had taken a course at my job for understanding the ways that different cultures think and work. How in general, Indians like to establish a relationship, while Americans tend to focus on the task at hand. I saw both myself and Nandkishor in these roles, and then I started to understand why he "wasted" so much of my time asking me how I was doing, or wishing me a Merry Christmas, or sending me emails full of flowery words to thank me for helping him.

A few years passed, and we were once again working on the same project. This time, I noticed a big improvement in Nandkishor's work. What a relief. I also felt much more patience, and even some affinity, for Nandkishor and my other Indian colleagues.

When I was having several sciatica pain a few years ago, Nandkishor gave me some advice, along with a video of exercises to do to reduce the pain.

One email that I received from him on his anniversary made me smile:

"Today, being my wedding anniversary, logging off now and will not open the laptop until tomorrow morning. Please note that it is not an April Fools' prank. My wife and I were married on April 01."

Then sometime in 2015, some of his colleagues in India were giving him a hard time. He endured some really, really poor treatment. The only kindness that he received at work (it seemed) was from his fellow technical writers. Any time that he tried to stand up for himself within his team, he was shot down and even humiliated. He shared some of those conversations with me. In my opinion, his management team was looking for ways to fire him. But by that time, he didn't deserve to be let go. So I did whatever I could to highlight his accomplishments to management. Here's one email that I wrote:

"I just now read through Nandkishor's email and am quite concerned about it. Of course, I know only one side of this story, and that is Nandkishor's. But I also have enough experience with his work ethic and his improvements over the years to know that he is productive and is willing to take on additional tasks and learn new things.

I am concerned that his work environment continues to be hostile. Is this how we treat our employees here? I cannot imagine any U.S. employee being treated like this.

As far as our project goes, Nandkishor volunteered to take on the Quick Start Guide, and he has completed everything on time thus far. For the other project, he has learned about the Messages Guide.

I don't understand the purpose of the other manager's questioning. This is a troubling situation."

We worked on the same project for a while longer with me as the team lead. Then over the next few years, there were more headcount reductions in the U.S. The other Indian writers went to different jobs within the company. And somehow, Nandkishor and I and a few other writers in the U.S. and Rome were still hanging on to our jobs.

Just before Thanksgiving 2015, we found out that we would once again be assigned to different projects. Here's his heartfelt email to me and another U.S. colleague:

"Today, couple of hours back, our manager and I had a call. Came to know that I will be working with the other projects as these are located here in India. The other writer will be leading both these projects.

At the start of the Thanksgiving week, got this news and then was a bit displeased not because of new assignments but because I will miss you both, to a great extent. It is been a great feeling all these days working with you. You have been so kind, friendly, comfortable, and a teacher all these days that I am addicted to both of you :). Working without you seems to be an absolute horror.

With the occasion of Thanksgiving week, wished to thank you for everything you did for me consistently. Thanks for converting my mistakes into lessons and skills into strengths. When I look 2 years back from now, I see myself improved a lot and it is not because of any of my skills but because of you people. I have been fortunate and honored whenever I worked with you all these days and years.

I'm yet quite weak in expressing because do not know any flashy or polished words but I'm sure you can understand what I want to say. Thank you very much once again. Anyway, things keep on changing in life so we need to accept the changes. As always, we are not going anywhere far and I wish that soon we will be back together again. Also, I'm sure that you will be always available for me so I'm not much worried!!!

Have a healthy and joyous, wealthy and generous, prosperous and humble thanksgiving."

During all of this change, Nandkishor was in a horrible accident in India while riding his scooter to or from work. One of our U.S. coworkers coordinated a get well card for him. When Nandkishor was able to respond, this is what he wrote to us:

"Hi All,

Where do I begin? I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the gift of get well soon cards that you sent to me. It was such a nice surprise. Your incredible kindness and emotional support gave me the inner strength to make it through.

It meant so much to me that you sent me wishes from thousand of miles away and that really made a difference. As per my doctor, I'm the first patient in his life who recovered so quickly without a single complication. I couldn't resist to let him know that I have had wishes from my dear colleagues who are thousands of miles away and that's the only difference between his other patients and me :)

Your wishes is a special gift that I can never forget for lifetime!I have no words to express my feelings.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am very lucky to have you all as my colleagues.

Lastly, my special thanks to J*** (the writer that coordinated the card). You've really gone way above and beyond the typical meaning of colleague.Thank you very much."

A few months later (in 2016), there was even more churn going on at work. It seemed like it would never settle down. More headcount reductions, more people being told to move or find a new job. I finally decided later in 2016 that I would move to California the following spring.

Received this email from Nandkishor around Thanksgiving 2016:

"Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Hoping your Thanksgiving is filled with blessings and joy.

Although, I have been and will be always thankful to you, this thanksgiving week is just an occasion to express it loudly.

When I have people like you around me, I have nothing to fear, nothing to worry, and only joyful moments. You watched over me just like how parents watch over their toddlers until they can walk by themselves. I know that you will always be there to catch me if I fall. You gave me all the things I did not get from my education, determination, motivation, and experience. I am lucky to have you as my colleagues, leads, mentors, and teachers. Thank you very much for your support, help, care, guidance, and everything that shaped me in a whole new professional league."

And here's an email from Nandkishor last Thanksgiving (2017):

"Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving week!!! 

Thank you for caring and supporting me wholeheartedly. The great role you have been playing in my life is immeasurable. I’m grateful for all your help and continued support.You are a very special blessing to me. Wishing you every happiness this holiday season and throughout the coming year! May your life be filled with love, peace, and harmony."

Then in February of this year (2018), Nandkishor didn't show up for a work meeting that he scheduled. After we waited for a while, we ended the meeting but still didn't know where he was. We finally heard from him the next day and learned of his cancer diagnosis. He was so distraught from hearing the diagnosis that he completely forgot about the meeting. Of course, we understood! He had been suffering from ear and neck pain for about 2-3 weeks. He had an MRI and a CT scan on his head and neck. He was diagnosed with neck cancer, and the lymph nodes were likely metastatic. He was scheduled for surgery the following week and said, "Only prayers can help now."

His surgery was successful. His jaw bone was replaced. In March, he reported that the doctors and a biopsy confirmed that he was cancer-free. When he was able, he wrote me this email:

"Thank you so much for all your prayers and all your wishes that took me out of cancer so smoothly. 

I had a successful surgery at Apollo Cancer Institute (not in Pune), which is one of the best hospitals in India. Surgery took 11 hours (to remove tumors in neck, jaw bone, and removing lymph nodes in the left neck + fibula free flap reconstruction). A biopsy report after the surgery is very clean and doctor assured that I'm 100% free of cancer. Yet, radiotherapy is planned next month just for a safer side.

Overall, surgery was successful but I'm a bit struggling with pain in leg, face, neck. Swelling might take another 2 weeks to go off. I can now eat everything, speak as I used to earlier, so everything is fine.

Just wanted to thank you so much for all your prayers and wishes. Even though you are thousand miles away, I always felt your proximity during all these days."

"Thank you for all your prayers, wishes, and positive thoughts.

Your wishes and prayers are everything to me and I'm sure that they reached me and that's why I am quite fine now."

During this time, we put together a get well card from California. Because regular mail doesn't always work well from the U.S. to India, I scanned the card and emailed it to Nandkishor. 

Here is his response in April 2018:

"Thank you so much. I'm blessed to have all this love and care from a thousands of miles away team.

It is all your wishes and prayers that I'm recovering well. My radiation therapy already started and 7 sittings are complete out of 30. By May 15, radiations will be over. As this is the first week, there are no side effects as of now. Precautionary medicines are started to reduce the side effects in the coming weeks. With God's grace, all of yours wishes and love, all is well as on the date. 

I will be all right soon and I'm getting this positive attitude because of your wishes, prayers, love, and care. I can feel the proximity of you every moment.

Please pass my thanks to everyone who sent good wishes through this card."

I checked on Nandkishor again at the end of April, and he sent me this response:

"Thank you so much. Your email gives a real strength and great hope to me every time. I'm done with 20 sessions out of 30. This gives a bit relief. Last week was a painful week because side effects were started. Swelling on face, tongue sores, lip skin peeled off, and many more. Then doctor started pain killers and then, things were under control. This week, there might be some new side effects as per doctors but as of now, there are none and all is well. I'm on liquid diet (though I can eat, but trying to be at safer side to avoid any infections in mouth) and in good health and strength as of now.

From last week, I'm on leave and will continue to be on leave until May 11, when my radiation therapy will end. Just 3 days from this week and 6 days from next week and I will done with all cancer treatments.

Thank you so much for your wishes, your constant support, and encouragement. It is a lot to me and beyond words to express."

In May, Nandkishor resumed working, and he sent me this email:

"Last week, those painful radiations were complete and now, feeling a little better. Just wanted to keep you informed that I have resumed work (just to divert myself from remaining pain and a boredom :)). 

Wanted to thank you for all your support, motivation, and wishes that give me a strength to pass a painful one and half month of radiations."

In May, he sent me a birthday wish:

"I'm sorry because I'm never on-time :( Last year, wished you early and this year a bit late :). 

Although my birthday wish is too late, my best wishes for your health and happiness are good 365 days a year. Hope you had a happy birthday."

Since we weren't working closely on the same project anymore, I didn't think much of not hearing from Nandkishor for a while. But then in October, he sent this email to all the writers that he had worked with:

"From a long time, I couldn't connect with you so thought to keep you informed about my health. Unfortunately, my cancer in the neck got recurred/relapsed in the August month end. I was completely depressed and had almost lost all my patience. 

My family, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces and all they took me to my native and treatment is planned at my native place with all people around. A targeted chemotherapy was advised by doctor. Total 6 sessions planned. A session for every 3 weeks. 2 targeted chemotherapy sessions are complete now. A feeding tube is inserted into stomach because I had lost 25 KG weight in last 2 months.

Now, slowly, strength is coming back because of a feeding tube and overall, I'm feeling better. I also plan to work for some time from this week."

Then 10 days later in October, a colleague forwarded this email to me from Nandkishor:

"Last week, I had declared to work because I felt a little better. Actually, everyday, new problem comes of neck, mouth, shoulder, and back and currently I'm not well. Today only, I conveyed to the managers that I won't be able to work until 25th October because of severe pain. My 3rd chemo session is from Oct 17-20. After that, there might be some improvements.

Overall, in a bad situation.

Thank you and pass my thanks for prayers and wishes."

Then on November 2, our other Indian writer coworker sent us this news from Nandkishor:

"Thank you for your prayers. I am not recovering at all but the situation is worst now. Chemo not working so they keep changing medicines. I am very weak now and can't walk alone. Can't sit for 10 mins. Always on bed for more than 22 hours. Pain is almost unmanageable."

I knew by then that he wouldn't survive this. My heart was broken. I didn't know if he was still able to use email, but I sent him this email the same day. I never heard back from him. He might have read it, but he might not.

"I have heard that you haven't been doing very well recently, so I am sending my good wishes and prayers to you. I am so sorry to hear that you are in great pain and are feeling very weak.

I don't know if we will ever have a chance to work with each other again, but I want to tell you a few things:

* From the very beginning several years ago, it has been a pleasure to work with you in various capacities. I have appreciated your positive attitude and willingness to learn more and more through the years.

* You have always treated me with respect and kindness and patience, and I appreciate that very much!
* I know that you love your family deeply.
* You always make the effort to stay connected to people that you care about. I really appreciate that.
* Your coworkers here at IBM care about you and your family very much. Please let me know if there is anything that I can personally do to show your family how much I care about you and them.

I hope that your pain is minimized, and that your comfort is maximized. I hope that you can feel the love and peace from all of us here in the U.S.

I send my love and concern and care to you."

Then on December 3, our Indian colleague who had worked most closely with Nandkishor over the years, sent us this email that broke all of our hearts:

"I'm extremely saddened, hurt, regretful, and with a heavy heart I share this tragic and sad news that our friend and colleague, Nandkishor, is no more with us. He left for his heavenly abode yesterday (December 2, 2018). :-(

His son sent a text message to the India team about his sad demise, and that his last rites (funeral) will be performed today. As I am writing this note, all we have about Nandkishor now are his memories for life. We all are deeply grieved by this loss, and our deepest sympathies go to his family during this unfathomable time.

We were hoping for his recovery then, but it didn't happen. Our prayers for his well-being went answered. :-(

I'm at loss of words, but I thought I must let you all know about it."

So here we are. A shared yet separate journey of sorts. Nandkishor was only 43 years old at the time of his death. As with many people who have a cancer diagnosis, the news can be good one day and devastating the next. I'm still processing all of this and probably will for a long time to come. For someone that I've never met, he sure made an impact on my life.

So finally, here are a few things that I learned from knowing Nandkishor

• Gratitude matters so much in both your personal life and in your career.
• When you have nice thoughts and feelings to express, do it. Don't put it off. Don't be afraid to tell someone how much they mean to you.
• Don't give up. When Nandkishor was about to lose his job many years ago, he persisted. When he was being picked on more recently, he persisted. When he was faced with great pain and eventual death, he persisted in sharing his gratitude with the rest of us.
• Be open to people from other cultures, belief systems, and ways of thinking. Anglo-Americans and Indians think and solve problems in different ways. Just because someone's way seems strange to you, it doesn't mean that they're doing it the wrong way. And it doesn't mean that you're doing it the wrong way. Sometimes there's not a best way to do something, and it's okay!
• Always be kind, even if you are ready to burst at the seams from frustration. Don't take out your frustration on your coworkers who are also innocent parties in the situation.
• Patience really is a virtue.
• Love always wins, even when you might never meet the person that you are showing love toward.
• People matter.

Happiness Never Was Wickedness

An oft-used scripture and phrase in the Mormon church is: "Wickedness never was happiness."

That might be true, but I'd like to turn it around to say, "Happiness never was wickedness." Anyway, who gets to define what wickedness is? Well, the Mormon church and its publications have defined "apostasy" as wickedness. (See the image below, which was taken from the June 2018 issue of the church's magazine that is targeted to the youth.)

I'm here to dispel the myth that apostasy=wickedness. 
I'm here to put a face to who the church labels as wicked.
I'm here to say that I'm happy, not wicked.

You see, by the church's definition, I am an apostate. And the church equates apostasy with wickedness. But I am far from wicked.

Here's what I am:

• kind
• thoughtful
• generous
• silly
• adventurous
• strong
• sometimes feisty :-) 
• happy

But by the church's definition of wickedness, all those wonderful traits that I've carried my whole life mean absolutely nothing. Honestly, their words don't hurt me anymore, but when there are messages that could harm my relationships or put false notions into the hearts of my loved ones, I will speak up!

I'm here to tell you that the church is dead wrong about me and about others who have chosen a life outside the church.

Do you want to know what's wicked?

• Slandering people for following their individual paths
• Preaching about free agency, yet disparaging those who use it
• Contradicting the Article of Faith that talks about people worshiping who, where, or what they may
• Creating unnecessary fear in the hearts of loved ones who are believers

These continuous messages about apostasy reeks of desperation. Quoting church leader Jeffrey Holland as he spoke to a congregation who laughed along at his words: "I am so furious with people who leave this church. What kind of patty-cake, taffy pull experience is that? As if none of this ever mattered...I'm not going to let you leave it. Stay in the boat." (I left out most of his rant from the quote.) As he continued making fun of people who leave the church, the congregation laughed. It reminded me of the comparison to the "great and spacious building" that is often used as an analogy for when wicked people make fun and laugh at believers. It seems a little ironic to me.

An overused phrase is "you can leave the church, but you can't leave it alone." There are probably some people who think that about me, and that's okay. I occasionally need to say something about the church that I belonged to for 50 years. I occasionally need to process things. I occasionally need to speak out because it's not only helpful for me, but it's helpful for others like me, and it can even be helpful for my believing loved ones to hear this perspective.

On the other hand, the church refuses to leave us alone! (I'm not referring to my friends who are still in the church. I still want to be their friends.) I'm referring to the higher-up leaders, the church curriculum, the church publications. They continue to talk about us and place wedges between us and our loved ones who are in the church.

My friends and family in the church are put in a difficult position. Do they associate with apostates or not? They have to answer a temple-worthiness question about whether or not they associate or sympathize with apostates. Do they follow the us vs. them mentality? Or do they love without an agenda to bring us back to the church?

Do my friends and family think that I'm wicked? Maybe they disagree with me on a few things, but I doubt that they think that I'm wicked! Yet, this is the message that they are getting from the church, on multiple fronts, on a continuous basis.

You have children afraid of their own parents.
You have spouses afraid of their own spouses.
You have parents who are heartbroken because their children are "wayward" or have "strayed."

In the words of well-respected Mormon leader Dieter Uchtdorf, "STOP IT!"

Keep in mind these things:

• There is NO SUPPORT for individuals and families who are undergoing a faith transition.
• Even though many people who undergo a faith transition remain in the church, they have NO SUPPORT!
• And when their loved ones leave the church, they have NO SUPPORT!

Another well-used Mormon scripture states: "Men are that they might have joy." For some of us, we find joy outside the church. We are still good people.

It shouldn't matter that we don't subscribe to a particular religion's belief system.
It shouldn't matter that we might want to drink a cup of coffee.
It shouldn't matter that we choose to donate our money and time to worthy causes outside the church.

What should matter?
Whether you subscribe to a set of religious beliefs or not, these types of things should matter:

•  Are you kind to others?
•  Do you lend a hand when someone needs help?
•  Do you put in an honest day's work?
•  Do you treat your family well?
•  Do you teach your children to be good people?
•  Are you trustworthy?
•  Do you build others up instead of tear them down?
•  Do you stop gossip in its tracks?
•  Do you respect other people's boundaries and enforce your own boundaries?
•  Do you sincerely apologize when necessary?
•  Do you accept apologies and forgive?

Thankfully, the majority of my friends and family can see past the rhetoric that has the potential to create unnecessary fear and division between us.

Unfortunately, there are many others that I'm aware of that are judged harshly, shunned, and even disowned. Not because they are bad or toxic people, but because they are considered apostates.

What a horrible, ugly label to put on someone.

That's what I consider wicked.

A Christmas Caroling Confession

It was only two years ago when a small group of women from my church wandered through my neighborhood and stopped at my front door to sing Christmas carols. It was only two years ago that I didn't answer the door, but instead, I hid and cried. What those women didn't know was that I had decided two months earlier to leave that church, but I hadn't told any of them. What they didn't know was that everything was still so fresh, so it was too emotionally triggering for me to open the door and listen to them sing Christmas carols while I stood there, alone in my doorway. I couldn't do it. Not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but I was not strong enough emotionally to answer that door.

I wasn't sure who was out there singing. Were they friends or acquaintances? Was I now a project to them? Eventually, they left. And I came out of my hiding place, shaking. It took me a while to recover.

Why do I confess this now? The past is in the past. The reason I'm sharing this is to say that I care for those women, even now. I also want to let it be known that it's not an easy thing to make a transition of faith. It's heartwrenching and heartbreaking. I still don't know exactly who was on my doorstep that evening, although I know who a few of them were. It doesn't matter that I was a project. All they knew is that I hadn't been attending church for several months, and previously, I had been completely active and in leadership and music positions. They were only trying to reach out the only way that they knew how. And I appreciate it, even if it traumatized me at the time. There was no way that they could know that. There were a lot of things that they couldn't have known or understood.

The very next month, I was emotionally strong enough to publish my blog, in which I announced my departure from the church. And I've become stronger and happier ever since.

Sometimes even now, though, it can get difficult. You lose your church community when you step away. You lose a lot of things that are familiar to you. And sometimes the anger and feelings of betrayal come back, and you have to deal with those feelings.

But I want you to know, if you are reading this, my church friends...my feelings of anger and betrayal were never about you. My inability to answer that door was not because of you. You were never the problem.

To any of my friends or family who have gone through this or who will go through this, please know that you are not alone, and you are not crazy. It's okay if you need to hide and cry. It's okay if you cannot make yourself open the door. It's okay if you don't know what to do or where to turn. It's really hard. But it gets better. I promise.

I've had to redefine Christmas for me. And I'm still redefining it. And it's okay. Here are some Christmas songs that I still enjoy, so on that note (pun intended!), enjoy your holidays!

Carol of the Bells:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSUFzC6_fp8

That's Christmas to Me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjdfjrtf1Q

Counting My Blessings:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXKxazgio2s

Snow:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ9cxfumEOo

The Second Anniversary of the Exclusion Policy

I can't let this date go by without acknowledging the anniversary of a religious policy that has caused so much pain for so many people. By the time that this policy went into effect, I had already left Mormonism, but I hadn't made it known to very many people at that time. However, I could not stay silent then, and I will not stay silent now. The leaders of the church threw God under the bus when they enacted this policy that denied innocent babies and children the blessings and ordinances that they claim are essential for salvation.

There were countless people who heard about the policy and didn't believe that the church would do such a thing because it was so despicable and heart-wrenching. But by the next day, many of those same people did an about-face and gave their support to the church and its leaders.

Some of my friends who are still in the church are still troubled by this policy. Other friends left the church because it was the last straw for them. All I can say is that you need to do what's best for you and your family, and I respect that.

But when your heart hurts, it's telling you that something is wrong.

Two years ago...

Two years ago when I heard about the exclusion policy, I posted an article on my Facebook page, along with my commentary.
A few people commented and could not believe that the church would do something so horrible. But it was true. The policy was enacted.

Below is my original post from that day (Nov 5, 2015), along with the comments (with names removed).

For the record, I am not okay with this new church policy. This does not affect me directly, but it will affect numerous good, faithful people who have not wanted to choose between their family and their church. When a church starts penalizing and marginalizing children, even babies, for the so-called sins of the parents, I have to say something. I cannot and will not support this.

Why are children of a gay person treated any differently from children of a straight person? Why not widen the circle and penalize children of sex offenders, murderers, adulterers, and addicts? Or why not penalize children who were born out of wedlock like my child was? Why not penalize the children of those who are currently practicing spiritual polygamy? Who is attacking whose family?

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." -- Matthew 19:14

http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-membership

https://www.ksl.com/?sid=37248288&nid=148&title=lds-church-bans-membership-for-children-of-same-sex-couples&s_cid=queue-1

Comment:
"I am completely disgusted by this. I am so done with the church. This was the nail in the coffin."

Comment:
"Nooooooo."

My Comment:
"Unfortunately this is true. I have seen the handbook, and the church PR person has confirmed that this is true."  

Comment:
"Yes it's very real... It's being reported on KSL and in the Deseret News, both are church owned media."

Comment:
"The "brethren" have their own handbook. It's true and been confirmed."

Comment:
"Let me know if you ever want to talk. Took me a while to realize I wasn't a "different" Mormon, I just wasn't one of them. The most frightening thing was the thought that my kids could grow up thinking this behavior was ok. I wanted better for them, and it's out there. Promise."

Comment:
" I just don't know how primary teachers will be able to teach lessons about "It's Great to be 8!" But then have to explain to little Sarah that she can't be baptized when she's 8 because she has 2 moms. It's just a mess."

Comment:
"I don't think this scenario is one to fret over. if you're saying that Sarah is in the Primary class listening to "It's Great to be 8!" that scenario is unlikely to occur. Non-member parents, particularly in this case, probably wouldn't send or take their children to Primary."

Comment:
"So if I understand correctly... by excommunicating gay couples their children won't be raised in the church so it won't be a problem? If we kick out the parents we won't have to deal with the children?"

Comment:
"I'm trying to say that you seem concerned about that scenario happening, and that I don't think it will happen, so don't fret over that one. That's all I'm saying."

My Comment:
"Ah, but this scenario WILL happen somewhere at some point. There are children of nonmembers and even excommunicated parents who attend primary, yet they are not prevented from baptism or baby blessings. What happens when one of these children die after age 8 but before they are given permission to be baptized at age 18? I don't see any new policies that cover them. This is sad, and it's not doctrinal that I can see."

Comment:
"I agree with you--it's not the children's faults that their parents chose to be who they are."

My Comment:
"I don't want to start a debate, but none of my gay friends and family members "chose" to be gay. Chose to marry and have children, yes. Chose to be a Mormon, yes. But didn't choose to be gay, but finally chose to love themselves and be who God made them to be."

Comment:
"Thanks for posting. I am so disheartened by this new policy. This seems very far from the gospel of Jesus Christ and the spirit of love."

Comment:
"This is a really hard and sensitive topic. I can't say if I agree or disagree with this because for me it's more complicated than that. I have my own questions and concerns about doctrine and things within the church but I think most people have at least a couple things they question, so whenever I have an issue like this that makes me question things I take myself back to my foundational testimony: I know the church and book of mormon is true because I have received a witness that I cannot deny. Therefore if the church and book of mormon is true, then every apostle and prophet that has lead the church are inspired men called of God. So knowing the church is lead by men called of God with that said my natural thought is 'why would God be so cruel?' but then i have a humbling moment and realize God isn't cruel, because I know he loves me and if he loves me then I KNOW he loves everyone else (because i know i'm not always the easiest to love.) As confusing and conflicting as this may be, I think the most wisest thing is to not jump to conclusions and opinions just yet but trust your foundational testimony. The Family a Proclamation to the World was written 10 years or so before issues in it even became issues. We do not have all understanding but God does and the Prophet and Apostles do know more than we do and that is exactly that I personally have to trust. I am going to use this as an opportunity to bring myself closer to God by praying for comfort and understanding like I did when I first prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true and i'm going to continue to support our church leaders with an understanding that I don't know everything and the only way to gain that understanding is to keep myself close to the spirit"

Comment:
"The LDS church recently denied the daughter of a polygamous family her request to be baptized. Because her family is public (Sister Wives TV show), the first presidency told her she could not join the LDS church. She had already broken the news to her parents that she was changing religions and then she gets rejected. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with what's going on. My beliefs haven't changed but I feel the church turning away from me."

My Comment:
"I was disturbed by that as well. The young lady was clearly not interested in following polygamy, and she said her beliefs aligned with the mainstream Mormon church instead. But because she refused to disavow her family, she was denied baptism. I have a really difficult time when a church forces people to choose between the institution and their family. I'm certain that God does not require this of us. "As I have loved you, love one another.""

My Comment to someone who shared an apologetics article with me:
"Unfortunately, apologetics articles only make things worse for me, especially when they start out saying, "...clearly this is being blown out of proportion by those critical of the Church." I love you. I don't love the new policies, no matter how hard some try to justify it."

My Comment:
From Elder George Q. Cannon, with thanks to "By Common Consent" who first posted this.

“In some minds there seems to be an idea that there should be a different form of blessing for children born of non-members and for those who are identified with the Church; and it is from such sources that in the case of children belonging to members of the Church ‘the blessings of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob’ and all the attendant favors are frequently conferred upon the child. This is all wrong. If we take the example of our Lord and Redeemer, who is our pattern and whose example we cannot too closely follow, we find that He blessed all who were brought to Him. We have no hint that He asked whose children they were, or the standing or faith of their parents. His remark was, ‘Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven;’ and He laid His hands upon them and blessed them. All little children, no matter what their parentage may be, are innocent in the sight of heaven, and they should be received as such and blessed as such.”
The Editor [George Q. Cannon], “Topics of the Times,” Juvenile Instructor 34 (March 1, 1899): 137-138. Reprinted in Latter-day Saints’ Millennial Star 61 (March 30, 1899), 198-199; Latter-day Satins Southern Star 1 (April 29, 1899): 170.

Comment:
"So went to bed thinking about this.... And woke thinking about this... After much pondering this is my conclusion. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is about strengthing families. That being said, a gay couple that wants their child to be baptized at 8 years of age will be greatly increasing the chances of serious conflict within themselves and their family. It is not fair to assume that a child can sit in an LDS Primary class, listen to the lessons taught, and easily accept that their parents refuse to abide by one of the Church's fundamental beliefs (marraige is between a man and a woman). With that said I will continue to support and love the leaders of this church. And I agree with this policy change."

My Comment:
"There are some members who are able to reconcile these new policies. There are many who cannot. I'm one of the people who cannot.

It was difficult for my daughter to sit in Primary and YW all her life and listen to lessons about families being together forever when she was denied that blessing because her parent (me) sinned. Because I have not been married and probably never will get married, my daughter and I will never be considered a "forever family" according to church policy. The church equates fornication (something I did) to homosexual relations, adultery, and all kinds of behavior. My daughter grew up being taught that what I did was contrary to the church teachings. She grew up not singing father's day songs because I allowed her to sit out on those Sundays. It did not drive a wedge between her and me.

Why is it fair that my daughter was able to be baptized even though I sinned at a level that is on par with homosexual behavior? Why are children of murderers and sex offenders allowed to be baptized? Those parents aren't living church standards, either. There is one child that I know of who was scheduled for baptism tomorrow. Her mom is active LDS and divorced from the dad, who is now in a gay relationship. The dad approves of the baptism, but the girl is not allowed to be baptized. How is that fair to the child who has looked forward to baptism her whole life, only to be told the day before that she cannot be baptized due to the new policy? As time goes on, we will hear more examples of how this policy is causing division among families. How many more suicides of gay members will be tolerated before there is a message of love and inclusion instead of banning children from ordinances?

While I understand the points that some people are making regarding the baptisms, I do not understand why the church would deny a name and a blessing to a baby who is not making any covenants during the blessing. There is nothing divisive about a baby blessing.

You are a good person. I love your family immensely. We will just need to leave it at a disagreement that I hope will not come between us. As far as I'm concerned, there are no hard feelings even though it's a sensitive topic that is emotionally charged."


Resources 

• What Do We Know of God’s Will For His LGBT Children? An Examination of the LDS Church’s Position on Homosexuality: https://mormonlgbtquestions.com/2017/03/17/what-do-we-know-of-gods-will-for-his-lgbt-children-an-examination-of-the-lds-churchs-position-on-homosexuality/
• Science vs. Dogma: Biology Challenges the LDS Paradigm by Gregory A. Prince: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gssnz1WZ3dU&feature=youtu.be
• Healing from Institutional Actions: http://drkristymoney.com/healing-from-institutional-actions/
• When a Loved One is Suicidal: https://www.symmetrysols.com/single-post/2017/11/02/When-a-Loved-One-is-Suicidal
• How to Support Our LGBT+ Teens: https://www.symmetrysols.com/single-post/2017/03/16/How-to-Support-our-LGBT-Teens
• Family Acceptance Project: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/
• Mama Dragons: http://mamadragons.org/
• Rational Faiths - Remember, Remember: http://rationalfaiths.com/remember-remember/
• Rational Faiths - The Theology of the Proclamation: http://rationalfaiths.com/the-theology-of-the-proclamation/