It was only two years ago when a small group of women from my church wandered through my neighborhood and stopped at my front door to sing Christmas carols. It was only two years ago that I didn't answer the door, but instead, I hid and cried. What those women didn't know was that I had decided two months earlier to leave that church, but I hadn't told any of them. What they didn't know was that everything was still so fresh, so it was too emotionally triggering for me to open the door and listen to them sing Christmas carols while I stood there, alone in my doorway. I couldn't do it. Not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but I was not strong enough emotionally to answer that door.
I wasn't sure who was out there singing. Were they friends or acquaintances? Was I now a project to them? Eventually, they left. And I came out of my hiding place, shaking. It took me a while to recover.
Why do I confess this now? The past is in the past. The reason I'm sharing this is to say that I care for those women, even now. I also want to let it be known that it's not an easy thing to make a transition of faith. It's heartwrenching and heartbreaking. I still don't know exactly who was on my doorstep that evening, although I know who a few of them were. It doesn't matter that I was a project. All they knew is that I hadn't been attending church for several months, and previously, I had been completely active and in leadership and music positions. They were only trying to reach out the only way that they knew how. And I appreciate it, even if it traumatized me at the time. There was no way that they could know that. There were a lot of things that they couldn't have known or understood.
The very next month, I was emotionally strong enough to publish my blog, in which I announced my departure from the church. And I've become stronger and happier ever since.
Sometimes even now, though, it can get difficult. You lose your church community when you step away. You lose a lot of things that are familiar to you. And sometimes the anger and feelings of betrayal come back, and you have to deal with those feelings.
But I want you to know, if you are reading this, my church friends...my feelings of anger and betrayal were never about you. My inability to answer that door was not because of you. You were never the problem.
To any of my friends or family who have gone through this or who will go through this, please know that you are not alone, and you are not crazy. It's okay if you need to hide and cry. It's okay if you cannot make yourself open the door. It's okay if you don't know what to do or where to turn. It's really hard. But it gets better. I promise.
I've had to redefine Christmas for me. And I'm still redefining it. And it's okay. Here are some Christmas songs that I still enjoy, so on that note (pun intended!), enjoy your holidays!
Carol of the Bells:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSUFzC6_fp8
That's Christmas to Me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFjdfjrtf1Q
Counting My Blessings:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXKxazgio2s
Snow:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ9cxfumEOo
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