Where Will You Go?

The question "Where will you go?" has a double meaning for me right now. The first meaning is related to something tangible as I'm contemplating a relocation for my job. The second meaning is more spiritual, personal, intangible. It's a question that I repeatedly asked myself last year as I was contemplating spiritual matters.

The question "where will you go?" can invoke a wide range of emotions from fear and anxiety to excitement and hope. The question can cause you to feel like you're on a roller coaster that you cannot stop. The question can cause you to contemplate all the possibilities that await you.

For me, the "unknown" is what causes me angst. The unknown is what causes me to be fearful. The unknown is what causes me to stand still instead of moving forward. What if I make the wrong decision? What constitutes a "wrong" decision? Is there really a wrong decision? Or, is there more than one "right" decision?

When I ask myself the question, "where will I go?", I often look back at where I've been. It helps to ground me in my decision. And then ask myself a new question, "Where do I want to go?" When I rephrase the question like that, I can change my emotions from fear and anxiety to hope and thoughtfulness. So really...where do I want to go?

Regarding the job, I want to be in both places: my current place and my potential new place. So stay tuned for that decision. The photo at the top of the page is taken from a recent trip to my potential new location. It's definitely beautiful there.

But regarding the spiritual / intangible question, perhaps I can share some insight into my experiences in the past year or so.

First, let me put this out here right now. I never intended to leave the Mormon faith. I never wanted to. I never thought that I would have to. But when it became a real possibility on my horizon, you can bet that I asked myself a hundred times, "Where will I go?" You can bet that I felt pain, fear, anxiety, panic, depression, and confusion. You can bet that I spent hours, days, weeks, months in prayer and thought and study. You can bet that I didn't take my faith transition lightly. The fear of the unknown was paralyzing at times.

My home was filled with Mormon music, artwork, and literature. My identity was wrapped up in Mormonism. Yes, I had my identity in my career and home and family and hobbies, but 99% of my life was tied up in my faith. So when I was contemplating leaving my Mormon faith, my identity hung in the balance. How do I find myself? Who was I? Who did I want to be? What am I going to do with all the artwork and music and literature? Can I hold on to some of my beliefs, or do I give it all up? Is there a middle way that will work for me? Can I remain a Mormon and still live an authentic life with my changing beliefs? Will I even believe in God when this transition is complete? Or will the transition ever be complete? What if I make the wrong decision?

As you know by now, I did actually leave my Mormon faith. But I did not abandon my love for all of my friends and family who choose to remain in the faith. I did not leave my Pioneer ancestors behind. I simply picked up the torch and found my own path into the wilderness. I had to face my own fears and insecurities. I had to figure things out, sometimes day by day, and sometimes hour by hour.

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.”
 -- Dr. Seuss, "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

So, where did I go, anyway? 

Physically, I didn't go anywhere. I'm still in the same home with the same job with the same family and most of the same friends. But spiritually and emotionally, I went a lot of places, and I'm still discovering and exploring. But I'm not lost.

Most of my Mormon artwork, music, and literature went to family and friends. I sold some of it, and I gave some of it away. And I recycled some old manuals that no one wanted. And I burned one manual in my fireplace...because I wanted to and I had to. I still have some Mormon Pioneer stuff and some music, but most of it is gone. I thought that it would leave a hole in my life. I thought that I'd have to replace it with something. But neither is the case. There is no hole, and there is no replacement. I don't want or need a replacement.

Where did I go? I went into a place where I found real love for myself and real love for others. I found that my Mormon happiness was not superior to others' happiness. I found that people from all belief systems and walks of life were just as good and decent and happy as I was. In fact, the belief system and background really doesn't matter. A good and decent and happy person is what matters. I found that life isn't fair and that sometimes there is no explanation for it and that God had nothing to do with it. God doesn't play favorites. Things don't always happen for a reason, but sometimes we can find meaning and opportunities from a painful and difficult situation. We look for reasons and find explanations for many things. We try to turn despair into hope, and sometimes we succeed. We all need hope.

I've found many sources of healing for when life gets rough. I found that God is very different from who and what I had thought. My understanding of God is evolving and becoming clearer in a way that works for me. For me, God is no longer a "who," but a "what." To quote the lyrics from "The Color Purple," I believe this:

"God is inside me and everyone else

That was or ever will be.

I came into this world with God

And when I finally looked inside, I found it,

Just as close as my breath is to me."

I've found that my weekends are a good time for renewal and rest. Nature and hiking and yoga and friendships all help sustain me. Love for my own body and gratitude for everything that it does has resulted in healthier habits, as well as emotional and mental and spiritual strength. I've found more confidence and inner peace. My inner voice that I've always had is still strong. And I trust it even more now than before, because my connection to the Divine is a direct connection that is no longer mediated or interfered with by those that I had previously allowed to define and direct a "one true path" to the Divine.

So if you're wondering "where will I go?" when facing a crisis of faith, or an employment dilemma, or another big decision, remember that you're not alone. Thousands of others have gone through the same thing, and they made it. Yes, you will feel fear, and it will be painful. But it is oh, so worth it on the other side. And you won't be alone when you get there.

Some resources

A few links to things that helped me during my faith transition, and they are still helping me as I discover more things that are not related to leaving the Mormon faith. I hope that they are helpful to you, too.

Some say that music is feelings that you can hear. I believe that. I believe that certain songs affect us for certain reasons, and that if we just close our eyes, we can hear hundreds of memories and imagine the possibilities.

"Saturn" - Sleeping at Last

You taught me the courage of stars before you left.
How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time,
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes.

With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA

The Truman Show - Ending Scene

"Was nothing real?"

"You were real. That's what made you so good to watch.
There's no more truth in the world out there than is what in the world I created for you. In my world, you have nothing to fear."

"You're afraid. That's why you can't leave.
You can't leave, Truman. You belong here. With me."

"Cease transmission."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_zYn-HHcyA

Awake My Soul - A Faith Journey

A montage of video and still images set to "Awake My Soul" from another person who has transitioned out of the Mormon faith. There is nothing anti-Mormon in the video, but some of the images might cause some discomfort for believers. I'm including this because it illustrates the feelings of awakening that many of us have had during our faith transitions (minus the beer - yuck). :-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkTbzmq8uJc

'Til You Say So - Stephanie Mabey

Some days just get messy
Make you dizzy, knock you out
But you're seeing stars on the way down, down down
What if it's that moment
Where you stand up and show them all
You fight twice as hard after you fall
It's not over till you say so

You might be the greatest
You can turn this all around
Come on, get yourself up off the ground
It's not over till you say so
Til you say so
It's not over till you say so

Whenever it seems like it might be too late
Remember there's no such thing
Don't let go
It's not over till you say so

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYARSO3KpBs

The Struggle is Real

Last weekend, I went rock climbing for the first time. Like for real, outdoors, on a real cliff. I've never even gone to an indoor rock climbing wall because I thought that I could never do something like that. I'm 51 years old and not in the best shape (yet!). My climbing partner and patient teacher took this photo of me after I got partway up (I did finally reach the top...barely!). I really don't like how I look in this photo. At all. But...I love what this photo represents, so that's why I'm sharing it.

To me, this photo represents a few things:

• When you get outside your comfort zone, your comfort zone gets bigger.
• It's okay if part of your journey is easier and part of it is more difficult. Sometimes you can easily find a foothold or a place to hang on to. Sometimes you just have to take a short break, re-evaluate, and find a new route.
• When you have someone encouraging you and helping you, then you can do more than you thought you could.
• When you see that goal just out of your reach, then you really need to dig deep. You might not be graceful about it, but you can reach it.
• You don't have to be good at something, but you can start where you are and just try it. You might actually like it.
• Age is relative. You can do hard stuff. Just don't do foolish stuff. :-)
• It's okay if you struggle. The struggle can make you stronger and smarter if you allow it to.

So, we all have our struggles with something. Some are minor, and some are lifelong. Two of my biggies for most of my life have been a negative self-image and incorporating consistency into good habits and behaviors. But here's what I finally figured out over the past few months, and I finally believe it:

Our struggles do not define our character. Our struggles do not diminish our value as individuals. Our struggles are just part of who we are and are part of what makes us unique. Our struggles can help us have compassion for others who have their own struggles. When we are willing to share what we struggle with, we will often find that we are not alone. We will often find that when we figure out stuff, we can then turn to help others get through their stuff. We often find kindred spirits, lifelong friends.

So anyhow...I used to think that my struggles meant that there was something horribly wrong with me, and sometimes it made me feel like I was unlovable, or who would really want to be a friend with me because of my stuff. (See my earlier blog post titled "Worth Loving.") But now that I've finally turned the corner, I've realized that no one even pays attention to my struggles. Only I do. (They're busy paying attention to their own struggles!) People have liked me and wanted to be my friend just because they liked me and wanted to be my friend. What a novel concept!!

Some things that inspire me through my struggles

#1 is music. #2 is nature. Or maybe it's the other way around. :-) And then there are other people who inspire me. And when I accomplish something that I thought was impossible for me, it propels me into something more.

So, I love this music video by Tim McGraw - "Always Stay Humble and Kind." I love the images, the lyrics, the overall message. Always be humble and kind. Show yourself some respect. Show others some respect. It's simple. Everyone has their own struggles, but the world is big and awesome and beautiful. And we can help each other. Here is a snippet of the lyrics (after the link below):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc

I know you got mountains to climb
But always stay humble and kind

When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride
But always stay humble and kind

Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why:
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind

Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're going don't forget to turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

From sideline-sitting to being engaged in life

And then there's a song performed by Lee Ann Womack - "I Hope You Dance" that's been out for years. Well, I'm not a dancer, but I've sat on the sidelines for much of my adult life. It's no one's fault but my own. The only person stopping me was me. My first glimpse into getting off the sidelines was earning my black belt in TaeKwonDo last year. It was a struggle. A real struggle. I almost quit before earning my first advancement. It was really hard for me. But after I crossed that first hurdle, I then had confidence that I could go on to the next hurdle, even when it was hard. Every belt rank advancement was hard. But I knew that I would eventually get it, all because I didn't quit at the beginning. It took 2 1/2 years to accomplish that (I started at age 48). And I'm grateful for my family and fellow students who encouraged me and cheered me on. My son-in-law, who was also my instructor, was very patient with me. The most empowering thing for me about TaeKwonDo is breaking boards, so here's what breaking two boards looks like. :-)

So now I'm doing more stuff, being more engaged in life. Being in a supportive role when I can, and then being the one who is supported. It's awesome.

So here are a few lyrics from this song (after the link):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin'

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

Dance....I hope you dance.

Edit: Just had to add this song that I forgot about - Beautiful Heartbreak

Hilary Weeks is a fantastic singer-songwriter, who also happens to be a niece of a good friend of mine. She wrote this beautiful song called "Beautiful Heartbreak," and I got to hear her perform this a couple of years ago in person. It really goes along with turning your struggles into something beautiful. Very inspiring.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk

A final word...or two

Sometimes by default, we tend to judge others who are struggling with something or another. Or, we are really hard on ourselves. Sometimes we assume that others are struggling because they have done something wrong and are now paying the consequences. While that could be true in some cases, it's usually not. Sometimes we assume that we struggle because we are weak. Again, while that could be true in some cases, it's usually not. We struggle because we are human. It's part of life's experience. Let's lift each other up. Let's allow others to lift us up when we need it.

To quote Maya Angelou: “My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness."

Gratitude

Sometimes life is just plain hard. Sometimes it's bliss. Sometimes we feel stressed out, anxious, fear, and pain. And sometimes we feel joy, contentment, peace, and gratitude.

We all know that giving of ourselves to others, helping others, can really bring out feelings of gratitude and love. But this particular post is kind of an inward-focused blog post, what I've done inside myself and for myself that helps me feel gratitude. In turn, when I'm feeling this way, I'm much more able to reach out to others who might need a hand. And then it just continues.

In spite of all the garbage that happens in life, I really do feel so damn fortunate sometimes. When I look up and assess things instead of being weighed down by responsibilities or worries, I really am in a good place. But sometimes, I need reminders to myself to just look up and stop feeling stressed. So here are some things that help get me to that place of "looking up," which brings out the gratitude in my heart loud and clear.

First, some info about some resources that are kind of related to this blog post

In the past couple of weeks, I've attended two different seminars. The first seminar was taught by my friend Deb Jones Pope, who is a school counselor. Her seminar was titled "Changing Anxiety into Power that Works for You." She offered suggestions on how to "ground" yourself and how to be in the moment and how to cope. Below is a link to the recording of her class that I took with my phone (it's about an hour total):
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXbCk3dTnkqySDC965ZjlW6L_Xzd724O8

The other seminar was taught by Joey Klein, and it was an introduction to a weekend seminar about managing emotions (I attended only the Friday night class). We practiced changing fear-based emotions into love-based emotions. I chose to practice changing anxiety into gratitude. It made me have tears in my eyes. Gratitude is my favorite emotion, so I need to practice it more. :-)  Here's a link to his web site and Facebook page:
http://conscioustransformation.com/
https://www.facebook.com/joeykleinfreedom/

The Color Purple - My Gratitude Go-To Songs

So far, my favorite musical of all time is "The Color Purple." I've seen it on Broadway in New York and in Salt Lake City and somewhere else (I can't remember!). There are many things that you can get out of that musical, but the main messages to me are strength and gratitude.

I won't rehash the story, but I want to share two songs with some of the lyrics. If I ever really need a "gratitude pick-me-up," these are two of my go-to songs.

"I'm Here" - sung by Jennifer Hudson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxu9rjei-Ss
Got my house
It still keeps the cold out
Got my chair
When my body can't hold out
Got my hands doin things like they s'post to
Showing my heart to the folks that I'm close to
I got my eyes though they don't see as far now
They see more 'bout how things really are now
And I'm thankful for each day that I'm given
Both the easy and the hard ones I'm livin'
But most of all
Yes I'm thankful for lovin' who I really am 

"The Color Purple" - sung by Jennifer Hudson and Cynthia Erivo:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DiWTwC6Ek8

God is inside me and everyone else

That was or ever will be.

I came into this world with God

And when i finally looked inside, I found it,

Just as close as my breath is to me.

I don't think us feel old at all.

I think this is the youngest us ever felt.

My happy places

In the past few years, I've discovered that the places where I feel the most peace, gratitude, and connection to all things spiritual is in nature. It can be as simple as a walk in my neighborhood, or it can be a 6-mile hike in hot and humid weather, or it can be on a mountain trail, or it can be walking barefoot along a beach. I always carry my phone and take photos along the way. Recently, I've started using an app on my phone to create a quick movie of my hike or walk. It's simple, but it keeps me grounded, and it fills a need that I have to connect with something bigger than myself. It is healthy for my body, mind, and soul. Most of the time, I do these hikes and walks by myself, but sometimes a friend will come, or I'll join a group and do a "yoga hike" in which we combine hiking, yoga, and meditation. (I'll include some links to a few of my movies at the end of this post.)

Sometimes, I'll just take off in my car on a spontaneous day trip and explore and take photos with my phone or tablet. I feel like I need to live about 500 years more to do everything and see everything that I want to. :-)

What I've learned in my (very basic) yoga practice so far

For the past few months, I've attended a beginner yoga class every week or so, and it has given me some tools to deal with life's stresses. Some phrases that I've come to love are:
"Come to stillness"
"Notice your breath"
"Set your intention, or dedicate today's practice to someone or something"
"Do this if it's available to you"
"If you want to go further, do this"
"Give gratitude to yourself for showing up"
"Give gratitude to those who shared the space with you today"
"Give gratitude to your body for doing the things that it does"

When you spend 60 minutes investing in yourself like that, just being in the moment and setting your worries and to-do lists aside, it really helps you to manage everything better. I get so much benefit from those 60 minutes.

My family

As I've mentioned in previous blog posts, it was just my daughter and me for a long, long time. No husband, no other kids. But we sure made it work. I loved (and still do) being a mom. And then she got married and had children. Oh, those grandchildren. There is almost nothing more heartwarming than the grandchildren exclaiming, "Grandma's here!" when they come to my house, and then they run to me from across the room for hugs and kisses. I feel so much gratitude and love for them.

My friends

I'm learning to invest more in my friendships. For years, I didn't have the time to do this much. And neither did some of them because we were all still raising our kids in our different worlds. But now, even though many of us still have full-time jobs, we have the time and to nourish those friendships. I'm grateful for that. It's not bad to be an empty nester. :-)

Being kind to myself

I've mentioned this in a previous post as well, but I am learning and getting a lot better at being kind to myself. I tell myself that I'll thank myself later if I do this or do that. I'm getting better at making choices based on self-love instead of doing things begrudgingly because they take some effort. And then later, I really do thank myself for doing those little things, even something as silly as putting away laundry now instead of later, or something more lasting, such as going to the gym because it will extend my quality of life, and hopefully even extend my life. (Midlife crisis, anyone?!)

There are definitely hard days or hard hours in the day

Some days, the best I can do is to get through it day by day or even hour by hour. If there's junk going on at work that I can't control, I'm finally getting better at replacing anxiety with gratitude. At least for now, I've still got my job, and I'm still good at what I do, and I can still work from home. I've still got health insurance and a salary. Maybe I won't have all of that in a few weeks, or maybe there will be something better. But it's a waiting game, and for now, I just breathe through it when nothing else works.

Gratitude for others who show me strength and courage

Whether it's someone I know personally or someone that I hear about, I'm grateful to see others who handle their difficult challenges with grace, strength, and courage. And I want to emulate those kinds of people.

My heart aches for those in my circle that are currently having some really hard things. I can't list everyone here, but I'll mention a few. My aunt, who recently suffered a massive stroke and will be disabled for the rest of her life and living in a nursing home way before she had planned to. My young mom friend, who is in hospice and will be parting ways with her young family soon. My friends who have been diagnosed with various forms of cancer. There are many of them. Other friends and family who suffer from illnesses that you can't see, whether physical or mental. Others who have suffered tremendous loss of their loved ones, or their health, or being devastated financially. But in each case, they are all handling things with dignity and strength and even gratitude in spite of the hard stuff.

Gratitude leads to hope

Perhaps gratitude is my favorite emotion because it leads to hope. If we can face things with a grateful heart, our burdens can sometimes seem a little bit lighter. Not easy by any means, but lighter. And maybe that'll be a blog post for another day.

I'll end this post with a couple of memes that remind me to be grateful (and hopeful) in spite of dealing with hard things, and then I'll share links to a few of my most recent hikes.

A few of my recent hikes that reset my gratitude meter

Pennybacker Bridge - Austin:
https://www.magisto.com/video/YVkEY1QJCzJpWAZiCzE

Spicewood Canyon Trail - Colorado Bend State Park:
https://www.magisto.com/video/a1kSYVoHHTZuVEViCzE

Spicewood Springs Trail - Colorado Bend State Park:
https://www.magisto.com/video/LFkfakYNFW4tVBpiCzE

Yoga Hike at Pedernales Falls State Park:
https://www.magisto.com/video/LVADNEsZRysrDhFiCzE

Yoga Hike at River Place Trail, Little Fern Trail - Austin:
https://www.magisto.com/video/LwREMl9aGGEtBERiCzE

Worth Loving

This topic has been on my mind for several days, but I haven't had time to just sit and write my thoughts until tonight. My apologies if it's scattered. Lots of thoughts have been swirling in my head in the past week or two. And I finally put my finger on an unanswered question about myself. Frankly, it's a difficult part of myself to share. But I want to share in hopes that it will resonate with others and will help you feel like you're not alone if you've felt the same way.

So...I have only been recently realizing and actually believing that I'm worth loving. Wow, that was a difficult sentence to write down. Because once I hit the "Publish" button, I can't hide that thought anymore. Until the past few months, I haven't been kind to myself very often. But now I'm finding that being kind to myself and really, truly loving myself has opened up a whole new belief that I'm actually worth loving.

So, wait. Don't feel sorry for me that I've felt this way. We all have our "junk" in life that we have to deal with, overcome, and triumph over. This is one of my big ones. And the light bulb has finally turned on, and it's going to stay on.

So before I delve into some negative past stuff, I want to share this song that popped into my head as soon as I sat down at the computer tonight. I've heard this song a million times and thought, "Well, that's a nice song." But it didn't mean anything to me really. Until just a few minutes ago. The title is "I Can See Clearly Now" sung by Johnny Nash. So here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FscIgtDJFXg

So why would someone like me not feel like she's worth loving? Why not love myself? Why (in the past) do things to punish myself with negative self-talk and dwelling on things that weren't helpful? I wouldn't treat anyone else that way, so why treat myself like that? It has taken a lot of thought and soul-searching and being honest about it. The answers aren't pretty ones, but hopefully the answers will be helpful to someone else who is reading this and has struggled with feeling self-love and with feeling like they are not worth loving.

In spite of my shortcomings and faults, I truly have always felt like I was a good person. I've made some awful mistakes and haven't always acted like a good person, but deep inside, I've always known and believed that I was a good person. So, having said that, why the problem with loving myself and feeling like I was worth loving? Oh, those hard questions!

Going back in time, a lot of it was the environment in which I grew up. I've mentioned in a previous blog post about my dad and his emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I truly have healed from that, but I still need to acknowledge that it was a big part of my problem. Even after he passed away in 1989 and I had a good relationship with him at that time, it's difficult to think of yourself in a positive way when most of what you were exposed to was negative. So enough of that for now. My dad's negative influence has (thankfully) left me, and I choose to learn from it and focus on the good influence that he had as well.

So then what else was there? Let me name the elephant in the room - it was some doctrine and culture in my religion. But before I go further, I want to acknowledge that my immediate religious teachers and leaders were / are amazing people, and I don't fault them for any of this. It's the messages that were preached from the church headquarters in Salt Lake City and continue to be preached now. It was the continual focus on never doing enough, never being enough, and you just have to pray more, read scripture more, and have more faith. Honestly, I don't think that there are many people that had more faith than I did. (I do still have faith, but it's not in the things that I used to have faith in.)

When I was about 12 years old, that's when our bishop (ecclesiastical leader) had private interviews to determine our "worthiness" to attend the temple in Idaho Falls and perform baptisms for the dead by proxy. I was a good kid. I was a naive kid. So when the bishop asked me in the interview if I had ever "touched myself" (and he was crying when he asked that question), I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. In my mind, I was thinking well of course I touch myself - my hand touches my arm when I have to scratch it - my hands touch my head when I wash my hair. It didn't occur to me until many years later that he was actually asking me, a 12-year-old girl, behind closed doors, if I had ever masturbated. Every year after that when it was time for the "worthiness" interview, I was asked that question. And every year, I didn't realize what he was asking me, and every year, I came away from the interview feeling shame and guilt for something that I wasn't even doing or what I didn't even understand. Looking back from my older, wiser self, grown men have absolutely no business asking a young girl about this type of stuff, especially in a one-on-one situation behind closed doors. It's spiritual abuse, in my opinion.

If it was only that, then the story could stop here. But there's more. The continual lessons on chastity that our local leaders were required to teach us. The comparisons between a girl that had lost her "virtue" was just as bad as a chewed up piece of gum, or a wilted rose, or any other horrendous analogy that seemed appropriate to the grown man that was teaching to young girls in his congregation. I don't recall that there was ever a corresponding lesson on loving yourself in spite of your mistakes. Perhaps there was a lesson about that, but the lessons that a young teen-aged girl remembers is the one in which she is compared to an unwrapped piece of gum that no one wants. At that time, I hadn't had any experience with any of that stuff, yet I felt shamed. I can't imagine what other girls must have felt, you know, the ones that had experienced that type of stuff.

So now I'll share with you some quotes from the higher-up leaders of the Mormon church, the men that we revered as prophets, seers, and revelators. The men who spoke with God and Jesus and told us what the will of God and Jesus was. These are quotes and doctrines that I grew up with.

"The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball:

Chapter Five - The Sin Next to Murder (when speaking of fornication)

—These things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins
save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost.
—Alma 39:5

President David O. McKay has pleaded:
... Your virtue is worth more than your life. Please, young folk, preserve your virtue even if you lose
your lives.

President Heber J. Grant said:

There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or a daughter than to have him or her lose his or her chastity-realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world.

And there's more. I thought that the church had stopped comparing fornication (a sin that I was guilty of after graduating high school), but no - the church was still teaching this doctrine last year! Here's the quote from the lesson manual:

"In the category of crimes, only murder and denying the Holy Ghost come ahead of illicit sexual relations, which we call fornication when it involves an unmarried person, or the graver sin of adultery when it involves one who is married."

And as someone who had repented, lived my life as a "good Mormon woman," being celibate for 30 years, they're still bringing this up and teaching it. It hurts, and it's false. So that's the lesson that made me sob last year when I read it online while I was on sabbatical from church to try and figure things out. Below the headline is an email that I sent to a friend who was concerned that I wasn't attending church. So here you can read in my raw emotion because at that time, I still allowed the church to have power over me, and I still believed that the church had authority over me. I was just beginning to take my life back from the church and some of its damaging messages. (For the record, I love this friend, and we are still friends.)

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, (2014), 217–28 - Chapter 17: Keeping the Law of Chastity 

My raw email from August 2015:
I don't want to think about it for the rest of the day since it has taken me a few hours to recover from reading the "Chastity" lesson from the ETB manual this morning. I'll just say that the messages coming out of SLC and the curriculum are doing too much damage to my soul, and I cannot keep going back for more. It's not healthy for me to have a relationship with the church. My friends, yes. The Savior, yes. The church, no.

Just a synopsis, because I don't want to get worked up again. :-) It's bad enough that some of this stuff was being taught during my years growing up and caused me to question my own worth (my sin was second only to murder?!?) and whether I was even worthy of God's love. But now it's being regurgitated as part of the official curriculum. Even if the teacher approaches it in a careful way, all of those terrible quotes are in the manual and were meant to be shared as part of the lesson. This comes down to repeated emotional abuse by the church, and I'm not going to allow it into my life anymore. I can find a thousand more uplifting things to spend my time and energy on. But I'm pretty much done with all of it now. Thanks for reaching out. I'm going to go and enjoy the rest of this beautiful day! I hope you do the same! Please don't worry about me or feel sad for me. I know that this is what I need.

And here's a followup email to the same friend with more details. Very raw. August 2015.
I apologize in advance for my lengthy response. My emotions and frustration are not geared toward you in any way. And none of this is geared toward our dear local members.

The problem with some of these lessons is the actual doctrine. It's not the teacher's fault if he/she is asked to teach hurtful (and in my opinion, incorrect) doctrine. I sincerely thought that the church had stopped teaching that fornication was second only to murder. Kimball's book "Miracle of Forgiveness" has finally been allowed to go out of print, thank goodness. That's the book that tells young women that it's better to die than to lose our "virtue," which apparently is lost even in the case of rape. This is the stuff that I grew up on, and obviously it did NOTHING to prevent me from having sex before marriage. :-)

I don't feel judged by people at church for the most part. Most of them don't know my story, and once they do know it, there's really no response other than love and admiration. So, I really don't have a problem with the general membership. It was more difficult for me when I was younger because it wasn't as common to have a baby out of wedlock. There was judgment from members back then, but I really can't fault them.

When this type of doctrine is preached, how is the general membership supposed to react? If they are truly following the prophet, then they are going to agree that fornication is second in seriousness only to murder. How long does a person have to repent and reform before the CHURCH stops opening old wounds? Even though I know in my own heart and soul that the Lord remembers our sins no more after we sincerely repent, the church does not forget. The church won't let us forget.

Another quote from the lesson: "Unchastity is the most damning of all evils, while moral purity is one of the greatest bulwarks of successful homemaking. Happy and successful homes cannot be built on immorality." Is it fair or even necessary to have to sit and listen to this? Or even read it?

And when someone does an immoral act, "he removes himself from contact with the Spirit of God." Well, that depends on the immoral act, I suppose. I felt the Lord's strength sustain me during my hours/weeks/months/years of need. The Lord desired to lift me up. The church desires to condemn...continually.

Another quote that really has no place in the lesson: "There is an old saying that states: It is better to prepare and prevent than it is to repair and repent." Statements like this leave absolutely no room for us to make our own mistakes, to go on our own journeys, to learn what we need to learn as individuals, and to help others who find themselves in similar situations. What a judgmental statement to include in a lesson manual! I can totally see someone making a meme with this statement and sharing it all over social media.

Lastly, here's a final quote from the lesson that is so hurtful and so unnecessary: "Children must be inspired by precept and example in preparation for marriage, to guard against unchastity as against a loathsome disease." So when doctrine (words of a prophet) like this is being taught in church, I really see no benefit. Stuff like this sends me (and likely many others) down a spiral that we must dig ourselves out of every time that we hear it in church.

There must be better ways to teach about chastity and fidelity than the garbage that is included in this year's manual. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but it's what I think.

When we have these types of lessons, and then we consider Elder Perry's April talk that mentioned "counterfeit lifestyles," and recent Ensign articles that flat out state that we are not true disciples of Christ if we don't fight for traditional families, I just can't handle these divisive messages.

I believe that we can celebrate traditional families without disparaging those of us who don't have one. These types of messages coming from leadership are creating divisions among the members that don't need to be there. The types of messages from leadership should be messages of love, of unity, of how we can serve others and emulate the Savior the best way that we know how.

It is ironic, and even sickening to me, that we sing "Praise to the Man" to celebrate a man who coerced young girls into marrying him, who lied to his wife about his polygamous relationships, who married other men's wives. The church and most of the membership revere such a man and hold him up as the ideal. But then, shame on us if we have sex before marriage. Our sins are second only to murder, and the church will not let us forget that message. The disparity is beyond my comprehension.

There are other things, but it would take me days to explain, and I've burdened you too much already. But I hope this further explains why I cannot and will not subject my spirit to these types of messages week after week by attending church. It is damaging and unnecessary, whether it comes from a prophet or not.

I do want to give our local leaders some credit, though. The bishop is one of the most compassionate and understanding people that I know. Our stake president also studies these things. Our local women are absolutely amazing. I don't know why some of us stay in the church and some of us don't. I suppose that we all need to do things our own way and try to do and be what God would have us do.

Whether the Book of Mormon is true or not (I no longer know for sure, but there are some things in there that ring true to me), this message is key: "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins."

And of course charity, the true and pure love of Christ. If we can master that one (it's really a hard one!), then I think that He will say, "Well done. You're good to go." And really, that's all I care about in addition to being with my loved ones, whether they are family members or not.

Thanks for reading this very, very long response! And for the record, I feel completely at peace, and I'm happy and doing very well. :-) Take care, my friend.

A Year Makes a Big Difference

So now it's August 2016, a year later after I wrote those emotional but authentic emails to my dear friend who was reaching out to me. It dawned on me tonight as I was re-reading my words from last year, that stepping away from the church permanently was the first big step in loving myself and feeling like I'm worth loving.

I know that tonight's blog post is kind of scattered, but I hope that it can give you some insight into why people like me, who seem to be otherwise successful in career, friendships, awesome family, can still have such huge roadblocks. Like I said, we all have our "junk," and I'm glad to be hauling mine out to the dumpster where it belongs. :-)

I was talking to a friend earlier this week about guilt and shame, and I could honestly say that I don't feel guilt and shame anymore. It feels so damn good to be free from that. It feels good to love myself and to shed that old skin that had been damaged by so many negative and false messages. It feels good, even at my age (maybe especially at my age), to begin anew and to feel like I'm finally worth loving. And now that I feel like that, I feel like I can really start living. Last year was the difficult transformation. This year is the hopeful transformation.

If you're reading this and are struggling, please reach out, whether it's to me or to anyone else. Life is too beautiful to be paralyzed by unnecessary guilt, shame, and the inability to love yourself.

References

Elizabeth Smart: http://fox13now.com/2013/05/06/elizabeth-smart-i-felt-like-a-chewed-up-piece-of-gum/

Admittedly, there is good stuff mingled with the damaging content in these references below. But for a believer, you take all of it and use all of it. Many of my believing friends and family don't see a problem with any of the content, and that's okay. But I do. And that's okay, too.

https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-17-keeping-the-law-of-chastity?lang=eng

https://archive.org/stream/MiracleOfForgiveness/MoF_djvu.txt


https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/08/disciples-and-the-defense-of-marriage?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-and-family-matter-everywhere-in-the-world

Give Your Younger You a High Five

This is a follow up to my previous post about giving your younger you a hug. I didn't intend to write a follow up post about that, but here we are. I mostly want to write it down for my grandchildren to read when they're old enough to appreciate it, but also for anyone who can relate. So here goes!

There are times in your life when you need to make big decisions. Against logic and everyone else's advice, you do what your inner voice tells you. Sometimes you just feel what you need to do. And when things turn out well because of those decisions, it's high-five time!

If you read my previous post about hugging your younger you, then you know that in my early adulthood, things were really bad financially, and I was trying to work my way out of poverty.

During the time that I lived in subsidized housing, I was working for a prominent high-tech company in Utah. They were paying me $4.75/hour. I couldn't make it on that amount of money, but I had no other options at the time. Finally, I found a new job working for the prominent church in the state. That was a little bit better, but it was still only about $12,000/year. I remember thinking that if I could only make $14,000/year, I could breathe. Or if I could even make $20,000/year, I'd have it made.

A friend and neighbor then told me about a different high-tech company in town, and it seemed too good to be true. I would start out at $24,000/year? And a chance for regular raises? It was unreal! Do I leave a solid job working at the church, or do I take this chance and go into the unknown realm of computer software support? Well, I took the chance, and I never looked back. High five for my younger self! :-)

After a few years of bliss working for that company and finding a low-cost rental home next to some of the best people that I've ever known, the company was acquired by....you guessed it...the other high-tech company that I used to work for, the one that paid me so little. The job was still okay, but I started realizing how much patriarchy and unfairness ruled that company. There were definitely good people that worked there, and I am still friends with some of them to this day. But I could see the unfairness where women were treated different from men, to the point that a small group of women met in my home one day to discuss our options. In our inexperience and lack of legal representation, we hit a dead end. It was then that I realized that I had to make some changes. So I did just that.

I was about 29-30 years old at the time. I looked in to a new program at Utah State University, which offered a bachelors degree in Technical and Professional Writing. So during the next year or so, I took classes at the local college to fulfill some general education requirements for the state of Utah. I researched where to live and where to sign up my daughter for elementary school when the time came to move.

I asked friends for advice, and I specifically remember my local ecclesiastical leader (a good friend, a good man), and he strongly counseled me not to leave my job to go back to school. But my inner voice told me something different. And I followed my own inner voice. High five to my inexperienced, younger self that trusted herself!

All of this was done before the internet that we know today, so the research took a long time. Applying for financial aid, housing, etc. was stressful. And back then (1996), it was almost unheard of to see a 31-year-old single mom in a university setting as a full-time student. And it was unheard of for someone to cash out their entire 401(k) and use it to live on while going back to school. But that's what I did. And to this day, it was one of the best decisions of my life because it opened the gateway to where I am now. Seriously, I look back now and think wow. High five to that 30-something mom AND her daughter for going for it.

I'm not sharing all of this because I think I'm wiser than anyone else. And I don't think that the way that I did things is best for everyone. I feel very fortunate that it worked out in my favor. I feel fortunate that I felt a deep, inner guidance on the path that I should take. Throughout my life, I've rarely, if ever, received answers to decisions while praying. I've always had this inner compass, this inner voice that guided me. I still have it.

I have made some stupid decisions as well, but looking back, some of those decisions and their consequences were necessary for my own growth. Some bad decisions were due to lack of experience or knowledge. Some bad decisions were due to impatience. But when things really counted, I managed to listen to that inner voice that told me when to take a risk, even when it put me far outside my comfort zone and away from friends and family. So high five to that young mom back then in the 1990s.

My cute daughter and I packed up and moved to northern Utah, to Cache Valley, to a wonderful place. We cried as we left our home and friends in Utah County, but a great adventure was ahead of us! She had just completed third grade. We would spend the next two years living in on-campus family housing at the university. And we would have an amazing time. It may seem silly now, but we were so excited to live in that family housing on campus. It was a two-story townhome, and there were 1 1/2 bathrooms! Oh, joy!!! It was the nicest place that we had ever lived in.

We were cash poor, but our lives were so rich. Doing the university thing full time gave me time to be a more "present" mom. We went camping (it was cheap!), canned some peaches, sewed, did some family history and scrapbooking, and lots of things that were just perfect (and cheap!). I volunteered at her school, which was also on the university campus. I taught an internet safety class to the kids (all of this was still new-ish to everyone). My daughter started playing the violin. She got blue ribbons at the fair for things that she made. We have continued some friendships from that time. Cache Valley was good for both of us.

Fast-forward two years. Time for graduation. I got my degree! High five to one of the only nontraditional students at the university! High five to my younger, 20-something friends that welcomed me and were absolutely awesome!

Decision time. Where to live and who to work for. Stay in Utah closer to family? Stay in Utah where I knew pretty much how life would be? Or do something different?

I interviewed with my previous company that was in Utah Valley. I could have slipped back into that company so easily, so effortlessly...and then I realized that I would still also be stuck in a patriarchal work culture. I wasn't a feminist back then, but things just felt wrong there. With my degree, there were more opportunities, and I didn't have to go back to that company. I also interviewed with the church that I had previously worked for. Oh, the salaries were insulting. Really. It was awful.

I was also yearning to learn more about other people. Utah isn't known for its diversity when compared with other areas, and I wanted to learn for myself, and I wanted my daughter to learn about other people who were different from us, whether it be religious, race, cultures, etc. We weren't getting that experience in Utah, and I really wanted it for both of us.

So I interviewed out of state. The company flew me there for an interview, and it was an all-day interview with multiple people in the department that was hiring. I was treated like an equal, I was treated like I knew something and that I could contribute something valuable to this company. It really was a new feeling for me. But I was unsure. We had no family there, no friends, no nothing. But that evening, I drove out of town to explore, and I ended up east of the city and saw fields of corn with the sun setting off to the west. It all suddenly felt right. So I accepted the job offer. High five to the young woman, unsophisticated, inexperienced, but brave enough to strike out on this new adventure with only her young daughter with her.

I want to say that "the rest is history" and that everything was peachy after that. It was and it wasn't. It took more than a year to adjust to this new life. It was hard. Really, really hard. I wanted to move back to Utah so badly for the first year. We weren't really welcomed into our new congregation at church, the school system was completely different, we had no family support, and I was gone at work, leaving my daughter to be one of those latch-key kids. The commute was longer than I had ever had, and I was learning how to be a homeowner (that's a whole other story of buying our first house!). So many changes all at once, so many expensive things happening that year, getting my wits about me at my new job. It was a lot. So here's a high five AND a hug to my 33-year-old self AND to my young daughter for persevering, enduring, and not giving up! I even learned how to use a drill, and my daughter started mowing the lawn! High five to us! :-)

In subsequent years, there were ups and downs, and there still are. But life is good. It's so, so good. I look back and think of that small town girl from Wyoming, the one that learned how to type on a manual typewriter, the one that walked pigeon-toed, the shy one. And look at her now. High five. Still not very sophisticated, but who cares. Still an introvert, but who cares. Still can't cook, but who cares. This small-town girl is brave, takes chances when they need to be taken, and is trying to learn.

My daughter is now a grown woman with children of her own, a confident and beautiful person. And she has taught ME much and has been my friend and confidant along the way. High five to her for never using her upbringing as an excuse for anything. High five to her for pushing through her own difficult stuff and doing what was necessary to improve her life. High five to her for following her own path and her own inner voice.

So take a look back on your own life. Were there times that you were brave, even when it was really, really hard? Have you overcome some hard things? I'll bet you have. Have you made decisions that went against anything logical or "safe" and it all turned out okay? Give your younger you a high five. Be kind to your younger you, even with the mistakes or poor decisions. Forgive yourself for things that turned out less than you expected. Keep at it. Keep going. Give your current self some grace, some allowances, some high fives. In a few years from now, you'll look back and be amazed at how brave you have been, and what things you have endured and overcome. So here's a hug and a high five. Pass it on.

Give Your Younger You a Hug

Do you ever reflect back on your life and want to give your "younger you" a big hug? Once in a while, I do.

When you look back at everything that you've overcome, everything that you've endured, everything that was once a confusing mess, everything that you felt guilt or shame about when you didn't need to, every time when you thought that you were alone, do you just want to reach out and embrace the person that you once were? Do you ever have compassion for your younger self? When you were in certain moments and thought that you were a loser, can you see now that you were doing the best that you could with what you knew? That when you knew better, you did better? Can you give yourself the grace that you deserve? Can you conjure up some self love? I sure hope so. And I've been working on it for myself.

There are a lot of things that I wish that I had figured out 30 years ago. But I can't go backward; I can only go forward and be grateful that I still have a lot of life ahead of me (hopefully!), and be grateful that I figured out some things now instead of ten years from now. Part of me wishes that I could have a do-over with certain decisions or behaviors. But I just need to use that to propel me forward instead of beating myself up with regret.

We've all gone through our share of trauma and bad experiences. It can take a lifetime for some of us to heal; others of us may never heal. And for the fortunate ones, some of us will heal sooner than later and then reach out and encourage others who are still trying to heal.

I am grateful to have healed from my dad's emotional (and occasional physical) abuse. I do still process things, but the anger and the hurt went away years ago. Once in a while, there will be a memory that might catch my heart. Perhaps it's easier to heal from that because toward the end, I saw my dad for the individual that he was. And I had compassion for him. I don't excuse how he treated his family, but I have a very small understanding of who he was. And I'm truly grateful for the healing that has taken place.

If I think back to the young girl that I was back then, and then a teenager, who feared my dad a lot of times, I want to give that girl a hug. I want to tell her that she is beautiful in spite of the words he said to her. I want to tell her that she is not the problem, that she is okay just like she is, that her dad loves her but has many issues of his own that have nothing to do with her, even though he takes it out on her. I want to tell her that she will have an absolutely wonderful life, and that she will be happy, and that she will be a trusted friend to many, that she will help others feel like they are not alone.

I'm grateful to have healed from certain mean teachers from my high school, who seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing me and others, in belittling me and others, and in ensuring that some of us remembered "our place" in the pecking order of a small town and small school. I'm grateful to have healed from any mean schoolmates, who I can't even remember anymore. I hope that the few that I wasn't kind to during my school years have healed from the unkindness that I was a part of.

If I think back to that teen-aged girl, the one who never got asked to prom or homecoming even though she was the prom queen and the homecoming queen, I would tell her to be confident, to let her inner light shine, to be kind to everyone even if it's not the popular thing to do. I would tell her that she would make a lot more money than any of those mean teachers from high school. Hee hee. :-)  I would tell her that she would have many adventures that would take her away from that small town, but that she would eventually return to visit and enjoy those visits. I would tell her not to fret about certain things, about whether certain boys liked her because the world was big and the selection in her hometown was small. I would tell her that she was smart enough to do anything that she wanted to. I would tell her that an education was important, and it is okay to be one of the smart kids. But most of all I would tell her that it's most important to be a good friend to everyone but also to protect her boundaries.

If I could tell my college self anything, it would be....just be careful. Have fun, but watch your surroundings. Enjoy your friends, and thank heaven I did enjoy them. I would tell her don't get engaged yet...you have so much more of the world to explore first. I would tell her...you are so brave to break off the engagement even though it hurts. You did the right thing. I would tell her to continue college instead of taking that dead-end job after only two years of college. I would tell her not to settle. Don't settle. You are smart. You can do this. Be brave.

Those two years of college were some of the best times of my life. I made some mistakes (such as not continuing college and thinking that I had reached success because I was an assistant manager at a pizza place), but thank heaven you can recover from your mistakes. It might take a while, but you can do it. Here's a big hug because you're doing great.

Thinking back to my pregnant, single self. Here are a few, great big hugs! Seriously, here's a high five, too! This was the 80s. Just think about it. You held down a full-time job while being sick as a dog, preparing for a baby on your own, and dealing with a roommate who had just suffered a huge loss in her life, who you would rescue from late-night drinking binges that she used to escape her reality of losing her fiance so suddenly and tragically. The fear and stress in both of your lives were very real, but you handled it. You were poor, but you handled it. If I could say anything to my pregnant, younger self, it would be...you are amazing for choosing to raise your baby on your own. In spite of pressures from society and religion, in spite of judgment from others, in spite of the difficulties that you weren't prepared for, you are brave. You are doing this. Here's a hug, not because I feel sorry for you, but looking back, I admire you so much. Really, I do.

Looking back to my young mom years...oh, how that young mom needs a hug! Working full time and leaving her beautiful girl in day care every single day. Somehow making it work; sometimes not. Getting food from the food bank. It's okay. You'll be okay. Living in subsidized housing with neighbors having big problems next door, and their baby dying while they were having a party. It's okay. Just keep doing your best, and you will be okay. Trying to get food stamps but failing. Thanking heaven that an anonymous person left several bags of groceries on your doorstep. Taking the baby to the laundromat at night by yourself. Warming up the baby bottles on the stove. Wondering how it will all work out. Feeling so terribly alone. No family nearby. Just us two. Breathe. Enjoy your baby girl because she will grow up so fast you won't know what happened.

Telling my young mom self that she's doing great. You are digging yourself out of this thing called poverty. You got a different job. You have a few close friends. You finally moved out of that housing project and in to a real apartment. You can see beautiful sunsets out your back door, and you will enjoy those sunsets for the rest of your life. You will have a few dates here and there, but your priority is always your daughter. It's okay that way. It works for you that way. Some of your friends marry, and you feel left behind, but here is a big hug because you are beautiful and you are doing what you can to improve your situation and give a good life to your girl. Here's an extra big hug because I know how very hard it can be to be doing all of this on your own. You are still doing great.

You finally have a chance to rent a small house just two doors down from the family that has become so important in your life. The family that cares for your daughter, and the family that you will love for the rest of your life. You finally can buy a different car that is actually reliable and not embarrassing to drive. You are so fortunate to have wonderful landlords that live next door and who are kind to you. You have wonderful neighbors. Look at you, doing even better in your job. I would tell that young mom again to remember how wonderful she is, look at her volunteering to coach her daughter's T-ball and coach pitch teams, taking her daughter to various dance and gymnastic classes and doing fun things like camping with our friends. Inside, though, I know what she is feeling. She is still feeling inadequate. She still feels the guilt and shame for having a baby out of wedlock. She still feels as if no man will ever want to marry her, and that is such a helpless feeling. She feels extreme stress, knowing that she is having to do all of this alone for the foreseeable future. So here's another big hug because you know what? Eventually, you will not have these feelings of inadequacy. Eventually, you will finally know that you are enough just the way you are. Eventually, you'll know that you do not need to feel any guilt or any shame for anything. Not anything, do you hear me? You hold your head up and keep doing the very best that you can.

It takes until I'm almost 51 years old before I heal from religious trauma. I'm grateful for that healing. The only place in my adult life where I felt inadequate, never enough, less-than, second-class, shame, and guilt was in my religion. The only place where I felt unworthy was in my religion. So here's a huge hug for my former Mormon self, for the person that tried her hardest for 50 years to be worthy, to be good enough, to get to an afterlife where all my dreams would come true, where God would sort everything out. And I say to my former Mormon self that you did the best that you could with what you knew. And now that you know better, you are doing better. You are enough. You always have been. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your spiritual self is amazing. You have helped others know that they are not alone. Here's a big hug because you endured it and you came out the other side, and you have managed to keep your friendships and nurture other friendships that you never had time for previously. You have discovered a big, wonderful, colorful world that you didn't know existed. And you are living your life the best way that you know how. Good for you, and here's a hug.


So here I am: 51-year-old me. Yes, 51! I've learned so much and still have much more to learn. I've learned a lot more about setting boundaries and protecting them. I've learned more about empathy and trying to understand where other people are coming from. I've learned that other people's perspectives are valid, even if I don't understand completely.

But I want to tell my current self this: Take care of your health, take care of your soul, do what makes you happy, help others, do what brings you peace, enjoy the journey, enjoy those grandchildren, enjoy your daughter and son-in-law, don't stress out, don't fret, breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't believe you got that black belt at your age! You did great! Spend time with your friends. Nurture your relationships. Just "be." Keep learning. Keep sharing. Reach out and let others know that they're not alone. Go on hikes. Start checking off that bucket list. Do it now while you still can. Live your life. And here's a hug because the next half of your life is going to be difficult at times but also the best part of your life. Here's a hug just because.

Sometimes my heart breaks for my younger me. But honestly, I'm so damn proud of my younger me for all that my younger self went through to get me to this place

Now go give your younger you a hug. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself some compassion and grace. You are enough. You always have been.

Worthiness or Compliance; Loss of Faith or Loss of Fear

It's been a few months since my last blog post. I've been in a good place, but I've been feeling a need to write more of my thoughts regarding my faith transition.

Note: If you haven't read my previous blog posts, please read them first so you're not lost and wondering what I'm talking about with my faith transition. :-)

So, let's talk about worthiness vs. compliance. And then we'll talk about loss of faith vs. loss of fear. For many Mormons, being "worthy" to enter the temple is the be-all, end-all goal. You must be deemed worthy by your local ecclesiastical leaders in order to obtain access to the temple. Unworthiness will bar you from getting married in the temple, which means that your marriage is for this life only, and your spouse and future children will not be yours in the eternities. Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on marriages/sealings that take place in the temple, even if it's your own family member getting married. This is huge. (Another subject for another day.) Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on ward and stake temple days. You are not eligible to have certain "callings" in your ward or stake. You are not viewed as a true, believing Mormon unless you are "temple worthy."

The Temple Worthiness Questions

I don't know about others, but most of my energy was spent making sure that I was "worthy" according to the questions that you must answer before you can access the temple. Even when I could answer all of them in the right way, I still didn't feel good enough. So, here is the list of questions that you must answer satisfactorily before your local ecclesiastical leaders (all males) will give you a "temple recommend" - a card that you present at the temple's front desk to gain access.

1. Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, in his Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost; and do you have a firm testimony of the restored gospel?

2. Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator; and do you recognize him as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys?

3. Do you sustain the other General Authorities and the local authorities of the Church?

4. Do you live the law of chastity?

5. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

6. Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you sympathize with the precepts of any such group or individual?

7. Do you earnestly strive to do your duty in the Church; to attend your sacrament, priesthood, and other meetings; and to obey the rules, laws, and commandments of the gospel?

8. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

9. Are you a full-tithe payer?

10. Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?

11. Have you ever been divorced or are you now separated from your spouse under order of a civil court? If yes, (a) - Are you current in your support payments and other financial obligations for family members, as specified by court order or in other written, binding commitments? (b) Were there any circumstances of transgression in connection with your divorce or separation that have not been previously resolved with your bishop?

12. If you have received your temple endowment -- (a) Do you keep all the covenants that you made in the temple? (b) Do you wear the authorized garments both day and night?

13. Has there been any sin or misdeed in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but has not?

14. Do you consider yourself worthy in every way to enter the temple and participate in temple ordinances?


For most of my life, I could answer every question satisfactorily, even though I would always rack my brain trying to think of some sin or misdeed that I had forgotten about (question #13), or was I really, truly good enough to attend the temple (#14). A few times in my life, I got behind in paying tithing, and so I wouldn't even try to get access to the temple. Or if I had been a coffee drinker (which I never was), I would not have been given access to the temple. Or what if I had inadvertently (or on purpose) done something wrong but hadn't repented properly? Would I be damned for entering the temple when I was unworthy? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.

Tithing vs. mortgage payments - what's more important?

So here's an experience. I'm not sharing it to make one of my former leaders look bad (he is actually an amazing person and was one of the best bishops that I've ever had). But I want to share this experience to illustrate how deep the fear of not having a temple recommend was for me. And how it drove me to make a disastrous financial decision. I lived in Utah at the time and was struggling financially after having moved from Texas to Utah and moving twice before finally buying a house in the Salt Lake valley. There were a lot of expenses left over from selling my house in Texas and moving multiple times. And I was helping out more than one family member at the time. I got behind on both my mortgage and my tithing payments (I paid a full 10% of my income to the church, which added up really fast).

Toward the end of the year, maybe it was December 2010, the same year that my daughter got divorced and had her second child. It was Sunday, and I was home in bed, sick, and had missed church. My bishop called me to ask about tithing settlement (this is a short meeting where we meet with the bishop and tell him whether or not we are a full tithe payer). I told him that I was behind but that I considered myself to be a full tithe payer. He then told me that if I didn't become current, then we would need to discuss me losing my temple recommend until I got current. I was devastated. And fearful. Losing your temple recommend is bad. As I said before, you must have a temple recommend in order to have certain callings (positions) within the church. And especially in Utah, where the majority of your neighbors are Mormons, and many of them were temple workers, and you attend church together, they know who attends the temple regularly and who doesn't. I would feel like a complete loser if I lost my temple recommend! It is definitely a measuring stick that we use against each other, whether intentional or not. It just is.

I had a choice at that point. Either use all available funds to get current on my mortgage, or somehow try to find a way to catch up paying the tithing to the church. Because I had faith, and because I wanted so badly to be "worthy," I chose to withdraw money out of my 401(k) to pay a big lump sum of tithing to the church. I happily reported to my bishop that I was current again on the tithing. And I was "worthy." I was so relieved. The bad news is, I got further and further behind on the mortgage. I had to do a short sale on my house or go into foreclosure. My house had lost a lot of value in the 1.5 years that we lived in it. I really had no other choice but to sell it. Big loss. Huge mark on my credit report that would prevent me from buying another home for three years. It's still on my credit report.

Just to be clear, I didn't usually view paying tithing as a burden. I truly believed that I was giving back to God, that I was being a good, obedient person, and I felt blessed during other times because of paying tithing.

But...the fear of not being "worthy" is real. And in this situation, it wasn't good. Knowing what I know now, I sure wish that I had that money back.

If I'm not compliant, am I still worthy?

So back to February 2015, living in Texas again by then and in the stake relief society presidency - you must have a temple recommend in order to have that calling. In my previous blog post, I mentioned that I could no longer answer all of the temple worthiness questions satisfactorily. Because of that, I really had no business having a temple recommend. And therefore, I really had no business being in the stake relief society presidency anymore. I couldn't pretend to be "worthy" when I wasn't "worthy" according to that set of questions.

So what's my conclusion about all of this, now that more than a year has passed?

Frankly, I believe that I'm just as "worthy" in my Creator's eyes and in the Universe's realm than when I answered all of those questions satisfactorily. No, I cannot access a Mormon temple, but that does not mean that I'm not "worthy." It only means that my beliefs are no longer compliant with that list of questions. That list of questions has no correlation to what type of person I am. It has no bearing on my integrity or my character.

In the past year, I have figured out that it doesn't matter whether I can answer an arbitrary set of questions in order to feel worthy.

Is it a loss of faith or a loss of fear?

Some might think that I've lost my faith. Actually, what has happened is that I've lost my fear. I've lost my fear of not being worthy. I've lost my fear of men who claimed to be in a position of authority over me. True, I have lost my faith in a church that I was part of for 50 years. But I have not lost my faith in this world, in my fellow humans, in the gifts that I'm fortunate enough to have. I have not lost my faith in kindness, in love, in my family and friends. I have not lost my faith that we are spiritual beings that are connected, that we need one another, that we can do good for one another. But I have lost my fear of accessing a temple if I choose to drink a cup of coffee (coffee is healthier than sodas, energy drinks, and pills anyhow!). I have lost my fear that I won't be with my loved ones if I'm not "worthy." I've lost my fear of not being good enough.

According to the Mormon church's teachings, I can be the most loving, kind, generous person but still not reach the highest heaven and be with my family because I cannot....no, I will not....answer that list of questions in the way that they want me to. And it's not okay with me anymore to allow someone else, even a church, to place themselves between me and my Creator. Between me and my loved ones. The loss of fear has been one of the best gifts that I've been given over this past year. The knowledge that compliance has nothing to do with worthiness has been another valuable gift. Life is becoming clearer.

Integrity and My Calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency

This blog post has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven't had the energy or time to put into it what it deserves. But whether I'm ready or not, it's time to share this. This post is so that the women in the Round Rock Stake understand that everything that I did when I was in the stake leadership was real and from my heart. When I knew that I couldn't continue in the calling and still have my integrity, I requested a release.

Terminology

• ward = local congregation
• stake = a collection of local congregations in a geographic area
• stake presidency = the head of the stake; consists of four men (president, two counselors, a secretary)
• stake relief society presidency = women's leadership of the stake; consists of four women (president, two counselors, a secretary); takes direction from the stake presidency; supports ward relief society presidencies
• calling = a voluntary position in the church that has specific responsibilities; sometimes takes hours of your time every week; some callings are more time-intensive than others
• release = you are no longer in the position

 

Stake relief society presidency; stake women's conference

One year ago, it was the eve of the stake women's conference that I was in charge of. A conference for hundreds of Mormon women and their friends, trying to ensure that everyone felt wanted and loved, trying to include something that would edify all of the various women that would attend (ages 16 and up). My whole heart was in it. Planning and preparing for the conference took over my life. I don't regret the time and effort spent in doing it. I cherish the friendships that came out of it. I really have no regrets about it at all. Not one.

So here I am a year later, completely out of the church that I no longer believe in. And this weekend is another conference that was planned by women who are equally as committed and passionate as I was. Women who are doing their best to love and include everyone. Women that I still admire and care about. So as you might guess, this weekend is bittersweet. Even though I still maintain many friendships with women inside the church, I can never be part of the church again. Because it's not the church that I thought it was, and because it's not a healthy place for me to be. Can I be honest here? It sucks. It really does. But just like I have no regrets about the conference last year, I have no regrets about leaving the church. Not one.

The time that I spent in the stake Relief Society presidency was so rewarding. Connecting with the women in various congregations in the area was my favorite part. Being "real" when it was my turn to present a lesson to the congregations that we visited, even though I was always a nervous wreck. Ministering one-on-one with women that needed some extra support (and that can include any of us at any time). Meeting with the ward Relief Society presidencies and getting to know them and supporting them. I don't regret it. Not one bit.

What does integrity have to do with it?

When you are in a leadership calling, assumptions are made about you, such as you have a testimony that Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is a true, historical document, that the current church leaders are prophets, seers, and revelators, that you pay a full tithe (10% of your income goes to the church), that you don't drink coffee or tea or alcohol, that you don't sympathize with people or groups who are contrary to the teachings of the church, that you are honest.

My faith crisis started in 2014 while I was in the midst of planning for the conference the following February. During this stage, I do call it a crisis of faith because I was finding out things about my church and its doctrine and history that I didn't know before. I was not only finding out about some unsavory things, but of some really slimy, abusive, disgusting things that were started by Joseph Smith and continued with subsequent prophets in the church for quite some time. I listened to recordings of the "Swedish Rescue" and the "Boise Rescue" where church historians and an apostle gave answers (or non-answers) to questions that the general membership had. The more I read and listened, the worse things got. I saw a side of the church that I didn't know existed, and I was sick about it. There were a few current apostles that I became disenchanted with during this period of time, so I questioned whether I really could continue sustaining them as prophets, seers, and revelators. This was the worst time in my journey because I had absolutely no support system for dealing with the information that I was learning.

By the time February 2015 came (the month of our women's conference), I felt somewhat like a hypocrite being in a stake leadership position when I wasn't sure what I thought of Joseph Smith anymore, and I certainly was put off by a lot of current general leadership. Dallin Oaks was one of the men that I had serious problems with, especially after he stated that the church doesn't give apologies. (I might address this in a different blog post later.) So I didn't feel as though I could honestly answer the "temple worthiness" interview questions and still be seen as worthy to be in a leadership calling. I felt like I needed to be honest with myself and therefore decided to request a release from my calling. I didn't feel as though I was "sinning" or being "unworthy" in any bad way, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I had a testimony of everything when that wasn't the case anymore.

Also during this time frame, there was a leadership training broadcast for stake leadership that was based in San Antonio. I really, really wanted to drive to San Antonio and meet there in person because there was a round table planned where we could sit down with the women's leadership from Salt Lake City. I wanted to discuss the church essays and the problems that I was having with the information. I also knew of others who were having a hard time. And there was absolutely NOWHERE that we could talk about it openly without being looked at with suspicion and fear. The church quietly released these troubling doctrinal and historical essays, yet gave no support for the thousands of people who were now flailing around in a crisis of faith because the church wasn't what they thought it was. I knew that if I could just ask questions, it would be helpful to me. In turn, I could help the women in our stake who were also having questions and were upset.

As circumstances would have it, we weren't able to drive to San Antonio, so we missed the roundtable. I was heartbroken. But we attended the broadcast in Round Rock. Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt when my concerns were addressed by the general women's leadership! I felt validated for the first time, like someone in Salt Lake City knew that many of us were struggling! Most of the women in San Antonio who asked questions during this broadcast were expressing the exact same concerns that I was having! I was so very hopeful at that point that there would be support for the members who were struggling.

By that time, I had already emailed the stake president to request a release from my calling and had received a terse answer back (Looking back, it was a miscommunication that sometimes happens through email. But at the time, I was feeling really badly about the response that I had received from him via email).

I was the only person in the stake Relief Society presidency that expressed any concern at all about all of this. Out of respect for the wonderful women that I served with, I won't go into details, but I will say that I felt very, very alone. I felt like my presence in the presidency was not good for them or for me. My heart was no longer in it. My spirit was hurting badly. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I really had no one to confide in except for my dear daughter and her husband. It was hell.

To sustain or not - fear vs. integrity

Also during this time (February 2015), it was our ward conference. During the conference, a sustaining vote is taken. This is where they read the names over the pulpit of the local leadership and the general leadership in Salt Lake City, and we raise our hands for a yes or a no vote. It's very rare for a no vote to be raised. I didn't feel right about raising my hand for a yes vote for the Salt Lake City leadership (I had no problems voting yes for the local leadership). But I had a dilemma. I was also the organist for our ward, which meant that I would be up in front of everyone sitting on the organ bench when the vote happened. If I raised my hand "no," everyone would see. If I didn't raise my hand at all (which I seriously considered), everyone would see. Since I was still in a stake leadership position at the time, it might cause some uproar, concern, and even gossip if I abstained or voted no. So what about my honesty and integrity in this situation? I cried about my dilemma. Do I fear potential backlash and fallout? Or do I keep my integrity intact by voting no? Was I ready for that? If I vote yes, then to me, it implied that I supported everything that was happening at the church headquarters. So that morning as I was driving to church, I happened to look down at the floor in my car, where there was still some artwork of Jesus left over from the women's conference. The thought came to my mind to go ahead and sustain (vote yes) today, that everything will eventually be okay. I felt peace about that thought, so I decided that yes, I would go ahead and raise my hand today to sustain the general leadership of the church.

So the time came during the meeting for the sustaining vote. I reluctantly raised my hand, and there were tears running down my face. I hoped that no one saw. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite for voting yes when I meant no. But I did it because I wasn't ready for what might happen if I voted no. And I knew that eventually, everything would be okay. But it was hell right then, and I just had to endure it.

My request to be released was honored

In the Mormon culture, it is not the norm to request a release from a calling unless there are extenuating circumstances. You are expected to continue fulfilling the responsibilities until the male leadership releases you. Callings are seen as coming directly from God, so to say no or to request a release is to say no to God. (I don't believe this is always true, but that's the culture.)

I don't quite remember the time frame, but I finally met in person with the stake president regarding my request to be released from my calling as second counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Out of respect for him, I will keep the details confidential. But there are a few things that I can share.

First, I didn't know what to expect. The only other time that I had ever talked to him was when he issued the call for me to be in the presidency (and the terse email that he sent back). I really didn't know him at all. So it was difficult to just come out and say that I'm having some major issues with the church, its doctrine, its current leadership, and I don't know where this journey will lead me. He listened and listened. He validated my concerns. He was well-read and well-studied. He was not ignorant of the things that I spoke about. He was not judgmental. He didn't lecture me or tell me to try harder or pray harder or do better. He didn't treat me like I was stupid or a sinner or anything other than a person who was seeking answers. And he didn't have all the answers, and it was okay with me that he didn't have all the answers. I don't think that there are answers for everything. He wanted me to stay in my calling if I thought that I could. He thought it would be good to have someone like me who understands the struggles that others are having. He handled everything very well.

But I still very much needed to be released. I didn't want to influence anyone one way or another by virtue of being in a leadership calling. I needed space to study, think, pray, and go through this journey without being afraid of sending someone else into a tailspin because they saw someone in stake leadership who was struggling. Also, I had gotten injured a few months earlier, and I wasn't getting better. I needed time to heal -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I could not minister to others until I was in better condition to do so.

So he did agree to release me. I think it was about two months later when I was actually released. But by then, I had stopped attending presidency meetings and participating in other presidency duties because I didn't want to cause any contention within the presidency. And my mind and heart were elsewhere. The stake president wished me well and was very kind to me. I don't think that he could have handled our meeting any better than he did. I appreciated it so much.

At this point in time, I had no intention of leaving the church. I had every intention of finding the answers that I sought and somehow reconciling everything and returning to full belief. It didn't happen that way at all. I did find answers, but they were not the answers that I had hoped for.

A fond look back at women's conference 2015

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I am now in a very good place emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I no longer feel like I'm going through hell. I have no regrets for this past year. It has been difficult, painful, traumatic, eye-opening, wonderful, freeing, and finally hopeful and happy. It was a long time coming.

In honor of the anniversary of last year's women's conference, I'm sharing some links to slideshows and performances. I feel honored to have served with these women. I look forward to continuing friendships with them.

"One Step Closer" - photo slideshow of some of the wonderful women in the Round Rock Stake. We used this slideshow to introduce the theme and scripture during the opening session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucXfpFx8WOw

"You Raise Me Up" - audio recording of music during the opening session of conference. I overlaid some photography after the conference (since we weren't allowed to videotape in the chapel).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0zyIq7AxEQ

"Come Unto Christ" - audio recording, overlaid with the video that was shown during the musical number. This was during the closing session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69i70Mqg0Bk

"Come Thou Fount" - shhhh....don't tell anyone that we recorded this (with video!) in the chapel after the conference was over! :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmCfaLxo-ig

"Come Unto Christ" Lyrics:
He's the One who healed the leper and who brought the dead to life.
He's the One who fed the hungry and who gave the blind their sight.
He's the One who walked on water; then He brought them safe to shore.
And whenever you may need Him, He's the One you're looking for.

So let Him in, and He will take away your pain.
When you feel His love, you'll never be the same.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.

He's the One who taught forgiveness and who showed a better way.
He's the One who helped the hopeless and those who'd gone astray.
He's the Savior and Redeemer, the Bread of Life, the Prince of Peace.
If you're hungry, lost, or captive, He's the One who sets you free.

So let Him in.
And you'll remember who you are.
He will mold your life and change your willing heart.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ. And you will find eternal life.

Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name.
He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.