This is a follow up to my previous post about giving your younger you a hug. I didn't intend to write a follow up post about that, but here we are. I mostly want to write it down for my grandchildren to read when they're old enough to appreciate it, but also for anyone who can relate. So here goes!
There are times in your life when you need to make big decisions. Against logic and everyone else's advice, you do what your inner voice tells you. Sometimes you just feel what you need to do. And when things turn out well because of those decisions, it's high-five time!
If you read my previous post about hugging your younger you, then you know that in my early adulthood, things were really bad financially, and I was trying to work my way out of poverty.
During the time that I lived in subsidized housing, I was working for a prominent high-tech company in Utah. They were paying me $4.75/hour. I couldn't make it on that amount of money, but I had no other options at the time. Finally, I found a new job working for the prominent church in the state. That was a little bit better, but it was still only about $12,000/year. I remember thinking that if I could only make $14,000/year, I could breathe. Or if I could even make $20,000/year, I'd have it made.
A friend and neighbor then told me about a different high-tech company in town, and it seemed too good to be true. I would start out at $24,000/year? And a chance for regular raises? It was unreal! Do I leave a solid job working at the church, or do I take this chance and go into the unknown realm of computer software support? Well, I took the chance, and I never looked back. High five for my younger self! :-)
After a few years of bliss working for that company and finding a low-cost rental home next to some of the best people that I've ever known, the company was acquired by....you guessed it...the other high-tech company that I used to work for, the one that paid me so little. The job was still okay, but I started realizing how much patriarchy and unfairness ruled that company. There were definitely good people that worked there, and I am still friends with some of them to this day. But I could see the unfairness where women were treated different from men, to the point that a small group of women met in my home one day to discuss our options. In our inexperience and lack of legal representation, we hit a dead end. It was then that I realized that I had to make some changes. So I did just that.
I was about 29-30 years old at the time. I looked in to a new program at Utah State University, which offered a bachelors degree in Technical and Professional Writing. So during the next year or so, I took classes at the local college to fulfill some general education requirements for the state of Utah. I researched where to live and where to sign up my daughter for elementary school when the time came to move.
I asked friends for advice, and I specifically remember my local ecclesiastical leader (a good friend, a good man), and he strongly counseled me not to leave my job to go back to school. But my inner voice told me something different. And I followed my own inner voice. High five to my inexperienced, younger self that trusted herself!
All of this was done before the internet that we know today, so the research took a long time. Applying for financial aid, housing, etc. was stressful. And back then (1996), it was almost unheard of to see a 31-year-old single mom in a university setting as a full-time student. And it was unheard of for someone to cash out their entire 401(k) and use it to live on while going back to school. But that's what I did. And to this day, it was one of the best decisions of my life because it opened the gateway to where I am now. Seriously, I look back now and think wow. High five to that 30-something mom AND her daughter for going for it.
I'm not sharing all of this because I think I'm wiser than anyone else. And I don't think that the way that I did things is best for everyone. I feel very fortunate that it worked out in my favor. I feel fortunate that I felt a deep, inner guidance on the path that I should take. Throughout my life, I've rarely, if ever, received answers to decisions while praying. I've always had this inner compass, this inner voice that guided me. I still have it.
I have made some stupid decisions as well, but looking back, some of those decisions and their consequences were necessary for my own growth. Some bad decisions were due to lack of experience or knowledge. Some bad decisions were due to impatience. But when things really counted, I managed to listen to that inner voice that told me when to take a risk, even when it put me far outside my comfort zone and away from friends and family. So high five to that young mom back then in the 1990s.
My cute daughter and I packed up and moved to northern Utah, to Cache Valley, to a wonderful place. We cried as we left our home and friends in Utah County, but a great adventure was ahead of us! She had just completed third grade. We would spend the next two years living in on-campus family housing at the university. And we would have an amazing time. It may seem silly now, but we were so excited to live in that family housing on campus. It was a two-story townhome, and there were 1 1/2 bathrooms! Oh, joy!!! It was the nicest place that we had ever lived in.
We were cash poor, but our lives were so rich. Doing the university thing full time gave me time to be a more "present" mom. We went camping (it was cheap!), canned some peaches, sewed, did some family history and scrapbooking, and lots of things that were just perfect (and cheap!). I volunteered at her school, which was also on the university campus. I taught an internet safety class to the kids (all of this was still new-ish to everyone). My daughter started playing the violin. She got blue ribbons at the fair for things that she made. We have continued some friendships from that time. Cache Valley was good for both of us.
Fast-forward two years. Time for graduation. I got my degree! High five to one of the only nontraditional students at the university! High five to my younger, 20-something friends that welcomed me and were absolutely awesome!
Decision time. Where to live and who to work for. Stay in Utah closer to family? Stay in Utah where I knew pretty much how life would be? Or do something different?
I interviewed with my previous company that was in Utah Valley. I could have slipped back into that company so easily, so effortlessly...and then I realized that I would still also be stuck in a patriarchal work culture. I wasn't a feminist back then, but things just felt wrong there. With my degree, there were more opportunities, and I didn't have to go back to that company. I also interviewed with the church that I had previously worked for. Oh, the salaries were insulting. Really. It was awful.
I was also yearning to learn more about other people. Utah isn't known for its diversity when compared with other areas, and I wanted to learn for myself, and I wanted my daughter to learn about other people who were different from us, whether it be religious, race, cultures, etc. We weren't getting that experience in Utah, and I really wanted it for both of us.
So I interviewed out of state. The company flew me there for an interview, and it was an all-day interview with multiple people in the department that was hiring. I was treated like an equal, I was treated like I knew something and that I could contribute something valuable to this company. It really was a new feeling for me. But I was unsure. We had no family there, no friends, no nothing. But that evening, I drove out of town to explore, and I ended up east of the city and saw fields of corn with the sun setting off to the west. It all suddenly felt right. So I accepted the job offer. High five to the young woman, unsophisticated, inexperienced, but brave enough to strike out on this new adventure with only her young daughter with her.
I want to say that "the rest is history" and that everything was peachy after that. It was and it wasn't. It took more than a year to adjust to this new life. It was hard. Really, really hard. I wanted to move back to Utah so badly for the first year. We weren't really welcomed into our new congregation at church, the school system was completely different, we had no family support, and I was gone at work, leaving my daughter to be one of those latch-key kids. The commute was longer than I had ever had, and I was learning how to be a homeowner (that's a whole other story of buying our first house!). So many changes all at once, so many expensive things happening that year, getting my wits about me at my new job. It was a lot. So here's a high five AND a hug to my 33-year-old self AND to my young daughter for persevering, enduring, and not giving up! I even learned how to use a drill, and my daughter started mowing the lawn! High five to us! :-)
In subsequent years, there were ups and downs, and there still are. But life is good. It's so, so good. I look back and think of that small town girl from Wyoming, the one that learned how to type on a manual typewriter, the one that walked pigeon-toed, the shy one. And look at her now. High five. Still not very sophisticated, but who cares. Still an introvert, but who cares. Still can't cook, but who cares. This small-town girl is brave, takes chances when they need to be taken, and is trying to learn.
My daughter is now a grown woman with children of her own, a confident and beautiful person. And she has taught ME much and has been my friend and confidant along the way. High five to her for never using her upbringing as an excuse for anything. High five to her for pushing through her own difficult stuff and doing what was necessary to improve her life. High five to her for following her own path and her own inner voice.
So take a look back on your own life. Were there times that you were brave, even when it was really, really hard? Have you overcome some hard things? I'll bet you have. Have you made decisions that went against anything logical or "safe" and it all turned out okay? Give your younger you a high five. Be kind to your younger you, even with the mistakes or poor decisions. Forgive yourself for things that turned out less than you expected. Keep at it. Keep going. Give your current self some grace, some allowances, some high fives. In a few years from now, you'll look back and be amazed at how brave you have been, and what things you have endured and overcome. So here's a hug and a high five. Pass it on.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Friday, July 22, 2016
Give Your Younger You a Hug
Do you ever reflect back on your life and want to give your "younger you" a big hug? Once in a while, I do.
When you look back at everything that you've overcome, everything that you've endured, everything that was once a confusing mess, everything that you felt guilt or shame about when you didn't need to, every time when you thought that you were alone, do you just want to reach out and embrace the person that you once were? Do you ever have compassion for your younger self? When you were in certain moments and thought that you were a loser, can you see now that you were doing the best that you could with what you knew? That when you knew better, you did better? Can you give yourself the grace that you deserve? Can you conjure up some self love? I sure hope so. And I've been working on it for myself.
There are a lot of things that I wish that I had figured out 30 years ago. But I can't go backward; I can only go forward and be grateful that I still have a lot of life ahead of me (hopefully!), and be grateful that I figured out some things now instead of ten years from now. Part of me wishes that I could have a do-over with certain decisions or behaviors. But I just need to use that to propel me forward instead of beating myself up with regret.
We've all gone through our share of trauma and bad experiences. It can take a lifetime for some of us to heal; others of us may never heal. And for the fortunate ones, some of us will heal sooner than later and then reach out and encourage others who are still trying to heal.
I am grateful to have healed from my dad's emotional (and occasional physical) abuse. I do still process things, but the anger and the hurt went away years ago. Once in a while, there will be a memory that might catch my heart. Perhaps it's easier to heal from that because toward the end, I saw my dad for the individual that he was. And I had compassion for him. I don't excuse how he treated his family, but I have a very small understanding of who he was. And I'm truly grateful for the healing that has taken place.
If I think back to the young girl that I was back then, and then a teenager, who feared my dad a lot of times, I want to give that girl a hug. I want to tell her that she is beautiful in spite of the words he said to her. I want to tell her that she is not the problem, that she is okay just like she is, that her dad loves her but has many issues of his own that have nothing to do with her, even though he takes it out on her. I want to tell her that she will have an absolutely wonderful life, and that she will be happy, and that she will be a trusted friend to many, that she will help others feel like they are not alone.
I'm grateful to have healed from certain mean teachers from my high school, who seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing me and others, in belittling me and others, and in ensuring that some of us remembered "our place" in the pecking order of a small town and small school. I'm grateful to have healed from any mean schoolmates, who I can't even remember anymore. I hope that the few that I wasn't kind to during my school years have healed from the unkindness that I was a part of.
If I think back to that teen-aged girl, the one who never got asked to prom or homecoming even though she was the prom queen and the homecoming queen, I would tell her to be confident, to let her inner light shine, to be kind to everyone even if it's not the popular thing to do. I would tell her that she would make a lot more money than any of those mean teachers from high school. Hee hee. :-) I would tell her that she would have many adventures that would take her away from that small town, but that she would eventually return to visit and enjoy those visits. I would tell her not to fret about certain things, about whether certain boys liked her because the world was big and the selection in her hometown was small. I would tell her that she was smart enough to do anything that she wanted to. I would tell her that an education was important, and it is okay to be one of the smart kids. But most of all I would tell her that it's most important to be a good friend to everyone but also to protect her boundaries.
If I could tell my college self anything, it would be....just be careful. Have fun, but watch your surroundings. Enjoy your friends, and thank heaven I did enjoy them. I would tell her don't get engaged yet...you have so much more of the world to explore first. I would tell her...you are so brave to break off the engagement even though it hurts. You did the right thing. I would tell her to continue college instead of taking that dead-end job after only two years of college. I would tell her not to settle. Don't settle. You are smart. You can do this. Be brave.
Those two years of college were some of the best times of my life. I made some mistakes (such as not continuing college and thinking that I had reached success because I was an assistant manager at a pizza place), but thank heaven you can recover from your mistakes. It might take a while, but you can do it. Here's a big hug because you're doing great.
Thinking back to my pregnant, single self. Here are a few, great big hugs! Seriously, here's a high five, too! This was the 80s. Just think about it. You held down a full-time job while being sick as a dog, preparing for a baby on your own, and dealing with a roommate who had just suffered a huge loss in her life, who you would rescue from late-night drinking binges that she used to escape her reality of losing her fiance so suddenly and tragically. The fear and stress in both of your lives were very real, but you handled it. You were poor, but you handled it. If I could say anything to my pregnant, younger self, it would be...you are amazing for choosing to raise your baby on your own. In spite of pressures from society and religion, in spite of judgment from others, in spite of the difficulties that you weren't prepared for, you are brave. You are doing this. Here's a hug, not because I feel sorry for you, but looking back, I admire you so much. Really, I do.
Looking back to my young mom years...oh, how that young mom needs a hug! Working full time and leaving her beautiful girl in day care every single day. Somehow making it work; sometimes not. Getting food from the food bank. It's okay. You'll be okay. Living in subsidized housing with neighbors having big problems next door, and their baby dying while they were having a party. It's okay. Just keep doing your best, and you will be okay. Trying to get food stamps but failing. Thanking heaven that an anonymous person left several bags of groceries on your doorstep. Taking the baby to the laundromat at night by yourself. Warming up the baby bottles on the stove. Wondering how it will all work out. Feeling so terribly alone. No family nearby. Just us two. Breathe. Enjoy your baby girl because she will grow up so fast you won't know what happened.
Telling my young mom self that she's doing great. You are digging yourself out of this thing called poverty. You got a different job. You have a few close friends. You finally moved out of that housing project and in to a real apartment. You can see beautiful sunsets out your back door, and you will enjoy those sunsets for the rest of your life. You will have a few dates here and there, but your priority is always your daughter. It's okay that way. It works for you that way. Some of your friends marry, and you feel left behind, but here is a big hug because you are beautiful and you are doing what you can to improve your situation and give a good life to your girl. Here's an extra big hug because I know how very hard it can be to be doing all of this on your own. You are still doing great.
You finally have a chance to rent a small house just two doors down from the family that has become so important in your life. The family that cares for your daughter, and the family that you will love for the rest of your life. You finally can buy a different car that is actually reliable and not embarrassing to drive. You are so fortunate to have wonderful landlords that live next door and who are kind to you. You have wonderful neighbors. Look at you, doing even better in your job. I would tell that young mom again to remember how wonderful she is, look at her volunteering to coach her daughter's T-ball and coach pitch teams, taking her daughter to various dance and gymnastic classes and doing fun things like camping with our friends. Inside, though, I know what she is feeling. She is still feeling inadequate. She still feels the guilt and shame for having a baby out of wedlock. She still feels as if no man will ever want to marry her, and that is such a helpless feeling. She feels extreme stress, knowing that she is having to do all of this alone for the foreseeable future. So here's another big hug because you know what? Eventually, you will not have these feelings of inadequacy. Eventually, you will finally know that you are enough just the way you are. Eventually, you'll know that you do not need to feel any guilt or any shame for anything. Not anything, do you hear me? You hold your head up and keep doing the very best that you can.
It takes until I'm almost 51 years old before I heal from religious trauma. I'm grateful for that healing. The only place in my adult life where I felt inadequate, never enough, less-than, second-class, shame, and guilt was in my religion. The only place where I felt unworthy was in my religion. So here's a huge hug for my former Mormon self, for the person that tried her hardest for 50 years to be worthy, to be good enough, to get to an afterlife where all my dreams would come true, where God would sort everything out. And I say to my former Mormon self that you did the best that you could with what you knew. And now that you know better, you are doing better. You are enough. You always have been. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your spiritual self is amazing. You have helped others know that they are not alone. Here's a big hug because you endured it and you came out the other side, and you have managed to keep your friendships and nurture other friendships that you never had time for previously. You have discovered a big, wonderful, colorful world that you didn't know existed. And you are living your life the best way that you know how. Good for you, and here's a hug.
So here I am: 51-year-old me. Yes, 51! I've learned so much and still have much more to learn. I've learned a lot more about setting boundaries and protecting them. I've learned more about empathy and trying to understand where other people are coming from. I've learned that other people's perspectives are valid, even if I don't understand completely.
But I want to tell my current self this: Take care of your health, take care of your soul, do what makes you happy, help others, do what brings you peace, enjoy the journey, enjoy those grandchildren, enjoy your daughter and son-in-law, don't stress out, don't fret, breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't believe you got that black belt at your age! You did great! Spend time with your friends. Nurture your relationships. Just "be." Keep learning. Keep sharing. Reach out and let others know that they're not alone. Go on hikes. Start checking off that bucket list. Do it now while you still can. Live your life. And here's a hug because the next half of your life is going to be difficult at times but also the best part of your life. Here's a hug just because.
Sometimes my heart breaks for my younger me. But honestly, I'm so damn proud of my younger me for all that my younger self went through to get me to this place
Now go give your younger you a hug. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself some compassion and grace. You are enough. You always have been.
When you look back at everything that you've overcome, everything that you've endured, everything that was once a confusing mess, everything that you felt guilt or shame about when you didn't need to, every time when you thought that you were alone, do you just want to reach out and embrace the person that you once were? Do you ever have compassion for your younger self? When you were in certain moments and thought that you were a loser, can you see now that you were doing the best that you could with what you knew? That when you knew better, you did better? Can you give yourself the grace that you deserve? Can you conjure up some self love? I sure hope so. And I've been working on it for myself.
There are a lot of things that I wish that I had figured out 30 years ago. But I can't go backward; I can only go forward and be grateful that I still have a lot of life ahead of me (hopefully!), and be grateful that I figured out some things now instead of ten years from now. Part of me wishes that I could have a do-over with certain decisions or behaviors. But I just need to use that to propel me forward instead of beating myself up with regret.
We've all gone through our share of trauma and bad experiences. It can take a lifetime for some of us to heal; others of us may never heal. And for the fortunate ones, some of us will heal sooner than later and then reach out and encourage others who are still trying to heal.
I am grateful to have healed from my dad's emotional (and occasional physical) abuse. I do still process things, but the anger and the hurt went away years ago. Once in a while, there will be a memory that might catch my heart. Perhaps it's easier to heal from that because toward the end, I saw my dad for the individual that he was. And I had compassion for him. I don't excuse how he treated his family, but I have a very small understanding of who he was. And I'm truly grateful for the healing that has taken place.
If I think back to the young girl that I was back then, and then a teenager, who feared my dad a lot of times, I want to give that girl a hug. I want to tell her that she is beautiful in spite of the words he said to her. I want to tell her that she is not the problem, that she is okay just like she is, that her dad loves her but has many issues of his own that have nothing to do with her, even though he takes it out on her. I want to tell her that she will have an absolutely wonderful life, and that she will be happy, and that she will be a trusted friend to many, that she will help others feel like they are not alone.
I'm grateful to have healed from certain mean teachers from my high school, who seemed to take pleasure in embarrassing me and others, in belittling me and others, and in ensuring that some of us remembered "our place" in the pecking order of a small town and small school. I'm grateful to have healed from any mean schoolmates, who I can't even remember anymore. I hope that the few that I wasn't kind to during my school years have healed from the unkindness that I was a part of.
If I think back to that teen-aged girl, the one who never got asked to prom or homecoming even though she was the prom queen and the homecoming queen, I would tell her to be confident, to let her inner light shine, to be kind to everyone even if it's not the popular thing to do. I would tell her that she would make a lot more money than any of those mean teachers from high school. Hee hee. :-) I would tell her that she would have many adventures that would take her away from that small town, but that she would eventually return to visit and enjoy those visits. I would tell her not to fret about certain things, about whether certain boys liked her because the world was big and the selection in her hometown was small. I would tell her that she was smart enough to do anything that she wanted to. I would tell her that an education was important, and it is okay to be one of the smart kids. But most of all I would tell her that it's most important to be a good friend to everyone but also to protect her boundaries.
If I could tell my college self anything, it would be....just be careful. Have fun, but watch your surroundings. Enjoy your friends, and thank heaven I did enjoy them. I would tell her don't get engaged yet...you have so much more of the world to explore first. I would tell her...you are so brave to break off the engagement even though it hurts. You did the right thing. I would tell her to continue college instead of taking that dead-end job after only two years of college. I would tell her not to settle. Don't settle. You are smart. You can do this. Be brave.
Those two years of college were some of the best times of my life. I made some mistakes (such as not continuing college and thinking that I had reached success because I was an assistant manager at a pizza place), but thank heaven you can recover from your mistakes. It might take a while, but you can do it. Here's a big hug because you're doing great.
Thinking back to my pregnant, single self. Here are a few, great big hugs! Seriously, here's a high five, too! This was the 80s. Just think about it. You held down a full-time job while being sick as a dog, preparing for a baby on your own, and dealing with a roommate who had just suffered a huge loss in her life, who you would rescue from late-night drinking binges that she used to escape her reality of losing her fiance so suddenly and tragically. The fear and stress in both of your lives were very real, but you handled it. You were poor, but you handled it. If I could say anything to my pregnant, younger self, it would be...you are amazing for choosing to raise your baby on your own. In spite of pressures from society and religion, in spite of judgment from others, in spite of the difficulties that you weren't prepared for, you are brave. You are doing this. Here's a hug, not because I feel sorry for you, but looking back, I admire you so much. Really, I do.
Looking back to my young mom years...oh, how that young mom needs a hug! Working full time and leaving her beautiful girl in day care every single day. Somehow making it work; sometimes not. Getting food from the food bank. It's okay. You'll be okay. Living in subsidized housing with neighbors having big problems next door, and their baby dying while they were having a party. It's okay. Just keep doing your best, and you will be okay. Trying to get food stamps but failing. Thanking heaven that an anonymous person left several bags of groceries on your doorstep. Taking the baby to the laundromat at night by yourself. Warming up the baby bottles on the stove. Wondering how it will all work out. Feeling so terribly alone. No family nearby. Just us two. Breathe. Enjoy your baby girl because she will grow up so fast you won't know what happened.
Telling my young mom self that she's doing great. You are digging yourself out of this thing called poverty. You got a different job. You have a few close friends. You finally moved out of that housing project and in to a real apartment. You can see beautiful sunsets out your back door, and you will enjoy those sunsets for the rest of your life. You will have a few dates here and there, but your priority is always your daughter. It's okay that way. It works for you that way. Some of your friends marry, and you feel left behind, but here is a big hug because you are beautiful and you are doing what you can to improve your situation and give a good life to your girl. Here's an extra big hug because I know how very hard it can be to be doing all of this on your own. You are still doing great.
You finally have a chance to rent a small house just two doors down from the family that has become so important in your life. The family that cares for your daughter, and the family that you will love for the rest of your life. You finally can buy a different car that is actually reliable and not embarrassing to drive. You are so fortunate to have wonderful landlords that live next door and who are kind to you. You have wonderful neighbors. Look at you, doing even better in your job. I would tell that young mom again to remember how wonderful she is, look at her volunteering to coach her daughter's T-ball and coach pitch teams, taking her daughter to various dance and gymnastic classes and doing fun things like camping with our friends. Inside, though, I know what she is feeling. She is still feeling inadequate. She still feels the guilt and shame for having a baby out of wedlock. She still feels as if no man will ever want to marry her, and that is such a helpless feeling. She feels extreme stress, knowing that she is having to do all of this alone for the foreseeable future. So here's another big hug because you know what? Eventually, you will not have these feelings of inadequacy. Eventually, you will finally know that you are enough just the way you are. Eventually, you'll know that you do not need to feel any guilt or any shame for anything. Not anything, do you hear me? You hold your head up and keep doing the very best that you can.
It takes until I'm almost 51 years old before I heal from religious trauma. I'm grateful for that healing. The only place in my adult life where I felt inadequate, never enough, less-than, second-class, shame, and guilt was in my religion. The only place where I felt unworthy was in my religion. So here's a huge hug for my former Mormon self, for the person that tried her hardest for 50 years to be worthy, to be good enough, to get to an afterlife where all my dreams would come true, where God would sort everything out. And I say to my former Mormon self that you did the best that you could with what you knew. And now that you know better, you are doing better. You are enough. You always have been. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your spiritual self is amazing. You have helped others know that they are not alone. Here's a big hug because you endured it and you came out the other side, and you have managed to keep your friendships and nurture other friendships that you never had time for previously. You have discovered a big, wonderful, colorful world that you didn't know existed. And you are living your life the best way that you know how. Good for you, and here's a hug.
So here I am: 51-year-old me. Yes, 51! I've learned so much and still have much more to learn. I've learned a lot more about setting boundaries and protecting them. I've learned more about empathy and trying to understand where other people are coming from. I've learned that other people's perspectives are valid, even if I don't understand completely.
But I want to tell my current self this: Take care of your health, take care of your soul, do what makes you happy, help others, do what brings you peace, enjoy the journey, enjoy those grandchildren, enjoy your daughter and son-in-law, don't stress out, don't fret, breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't believe you got that black belt at your age! You did great! Spend time with your friends. Nurture your relationships. Just "be." Keep learning. Keep sharing. Reach out and let others know that they're not alone. Go on hikes. Start checking off that bucket list. Do it now while you still can. Live your life. And here's a hug because the next half of your life is going to be difficult at times but also the best part of your life. Here's a hug just because.
Sometimes my heart breaks for my younger me. But honestly, I'm so damn proud of my younger me for all that my younger self went through to get me to this place
Now go give your younger you a hug. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself some compassion and grace. You are enough. You always have been.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Worthiness or Compliance; Loss of Faith or Loss of Fear
It's been a few months since my last blog post. I've been in a good place, but I've been feeling a need to write more of my thoughts regarding my faith transition.
Note: If you haven't read my previous blog posts, please read them first so you're not lost and wondering what I'm talking about with my faith transition. :-)
So, let's talk about worthiness vs. compliance. And then we'll talk about loss of faith vs. loss of fear. For many Mormons, being "worthy" to enter the temple is the be-all, end-all goal. You must be deemed worthy by your local ecclesiastical leaders in order to obtain access to the temple. Unworthiness will bar you from getting married in the temple, which means that your marriage is for this life only, and your spouse and future children will not be yours in the eternities. Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on marriages/sealings that take place in the temple, even if it's your own family member getting married. This is huge. (Another subject for another day.) Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on ward and stake temple days. You are not eligible to have certain "callings" in your ward or stake. You are not viewed as a true, believing Mormon unless you are "temple worthy."
1. Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, in his Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost; and do you have a firm testimony of the restored gospel?
2. Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator; and do you recognize him as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys?
3. Do you sustain the other General Authorities and the local authorities of the Church?
4. Do you live the law of chastity?
5. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
6. Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you sympathize with the precepts of any such group or individual?
7. Do you earnestly strive to do your duty in the Church; to attend your sacrament, priesthood, and other meetings; and to obey the rules, laws, and commandments of the gospel?
8. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?
9. Are you a full-tithe payer?
10. Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?
11. Have you ever been divorced or are you now separated from your spouse under order of a civil court? If yes, (a) - Are you current in your support payments and other financial obligations for family members, as specified by court order or in other written, binding commitments? (b) Were there any circumstances of transgression in connection with your divorce or separation that have not been previously resolved with your bishop?
12. If you have received your temple endowment -- (a) Do you keep all the covenants that you made in the temple? (b) Do you wear the authorized garments both day and night?
13. Has there been any sin or misdeed in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but has not?
14. Do you consider yourself worthy in every way to enter the temple and participate in temple ordinances?
For most of my life, I could answer every question satisfactorily, even though I would always rack my brain trying to think of some sin or misdeed that I had forgotten about (question #13), or was I really, truly good enough to attend the temple (#14). A few times in my life, I got behind in paying tithing, and so I wouldn't even try to get access to the temple. Or if I had been a coffee drinker (which I never was), I would not have been given access to the temple. Or what if I had inadvertently (or on purpose) done something wrong but hadn't repented properly? Would I be damned for entering the temple when I was unworthy? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.
So here's an experience. I'm not sharing it to make one of my former leaders look bad (he is actually an amazing person and was one of the best bishops that I've ever had). But I want to share this experience to illustrate how deep the fear of not having a temple recommend was for me. And how it drove me to make a disastrous financial decision. I lived in Utah at the time and was struggling financially after having moved from Texas to Utah and moving twice before finally buying a house in the Salt Lake valley. There were a lot of expenses left over from selling my house in Texas and moving multiple times. And I was helping out more than one family member at the time. I got behind on both my mortgage and my tithing payments (I paid a full 10% of my income to the church, which added up really fast).
Toward the end of the year, maybe it was December 2010, the same year that my daughter got divorced and had her second child. It was Sunday, and I was home in bed, sick, and had missed church. My bishop called me to ask about tithing settlement (this is a short meeting where we meet with the bishop and tell him whether or not we are a full tithe payer). I told him that I was behind but that I considered myself to be a full tithe payer. He then told me that if I didn't become current, then we would need to discuss me losing my temple recommend until I got current. I was devastated. And fearful. Losing your temple recommend is bad. As I said before, you must have a temple recommend in order to have certain callings (positions) within the church. And especially in Utah, where the majority of your neighbors are Mormons, and many of them were temple workers, and you attend church together, they know who attends the temple regularly and who doesn't. I would feel like a complete loser if I lost my temple recommend! It is definitely a measuring stick that we use against each other, whether intentional or not. It just is.
I had a choice at that point. Either use all available funds to get current on my mortgage, or somehow try to find a way to catch up paying the tithing to the church. Because I had faith, and because I wanted so badly to be "worthy," I chose to withdraw money out of my 401(k) to pay a big lump sum of tithing to the church. I happily reported to my bishop that I was current again on the tithing. And I was "worthy." I was so relieved. The bad news is, I got further and further behind on the mortgage. I had to do a short sale on my house or go into foreclosure. My house had lost a lot of value in the 1.5 years that we lived in it. I really had no other choice but to sell it. Big loss. Huge mark on my credit report that would prevent me from buying another home for three years. It's still on my credit report.
Just to be clear, I didn't usually view paying tithing as a burden. I truly believed that I was giving back to God, that I was being a good, obedient person, and I felt blessed during other times because of paying tithing.
But...the fear of not being "worthy" is real. And in this situation, it wasn't good. Knowing what I know now, I sure wish that I had that money back.
So back to February 2015, living in Texas again by then and in the stake relief society presidency - you must have a temple recommend in order to have that calling. In my previous blog post, I mentioned that I could no longer answer all of the temple worthiness questions satisfactorily. Because of that, I really had no business having a temple recommend. And therefore, I really had no business being in the stake relief society presidency anymore. I couldn't pretend to be "worthy" when I wasn't "worthy" according to that set of questions.
So what's my conclusion about all of this, now that more than a year has passed?
Frankly, I believe that I'm just as "worthy" in my Creator's eyes and in the Universe's realm than when I answered all of those questions satisfactorily. No, I cannot access a Mormon temple, but that does not mean that I'm not "worthy." It only means that my beliefs are no longer compliant with that list of questions. That list of questions has no correlation to what type of person I am. It has no bearing on my integrity or my character.
In the past year, I have figured out that it doesn't matter whether I can answer an arbitrary set of questions in order to feel worthy.
According to the Mormon church's teachings, I can be the most loving, kind, generous person but still not reach the highest heaven and be with my family because I cannot....no, I will not....answer that list of questions in the way that they want me to. And it's not okay with me anymore to allow someone else, even a church, to place themselves between me and my Creator. Between me and my loved ones. The loss of fear has been one of the best gifts that I've been given over this past year. The knowledge that compliance has nothing to do with worthiness has been another valuable gift. Life is becoming clearer.
Note: If you haven't read my previous blog posts, please read them first so you're not lost and wondering what I'm talking about with my faith transition. :-)
So, let's talk about worthiness vs. compliance. And then we'll talk about loss of faith vs. loss of fear. For many Mormons, being "worthy" to enter the temple is the be-all, end-all goal. You must be deemed worthy by your local ecclesiastical leaders in order to obtain access to the temple. Unworthiness will bar you from getting married in the temple, which means that your marriage is for this life only, and your spouse and future children will not be yours in the eternities. Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on marriages/sealings that take place in the temple, even if it's your own family member getting married. This is huge. (Another subject for another day.) Unworthiness will cause you to miss out on ward and stake temple days. You are not eligible to have certain "callings" in your ward or stake. You are not viewed as a true, believing Mormon unless you are "temple worthy."
The Temple Worthiness Questions
I don't know about others, but most of my energy was spent making sure that I was "worthy" according to the questions that you must answer before you can access the temple. Even when I could answer all of them in the right way, I still didn't feel good enough. So, here is the list of questions that you must answer satisfactorily before your local ecclesiastical leaders (all males) will give you a "temple recommend" - a card that you present at the temple's front desk to gain access.1. Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, in his Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost; and do you have a firm testimony of the restored gospel?
2. Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator; and do you recognize him as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys?
3. Do you sustain the other General Authorities and the local authorities of the Church?
4. Do you live the law of chastity?
5. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
6. Do you affiliate with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or do you sympathize with the precepts of any such group or individual?
7. Do you earnestly strive to do your duty in the Church; to attend your sacrament, priesthood, and other meetings; and to obey the rules, laws, and commandments of the gospel?
8. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?
9. Are you a full-tithe payer?
10. Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?
11. Have you ever been divorced or are you now separated from your spouse under order of a civil court? If yes, (a) - Are you current in your support payments and other financial obligations for family members, as specified by court order or in other written, binding commitments? (b) Were there any circumstances of transgression in connection with your divorce or separation that have not been previously resolved with your bishop?
12. If you have received your temple endowment -- (a) Do you keep all the covenants that you made in the temple? (b) Do you wear the authorized garments both day and night?
13. Has there been any sin or misdeed in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but has not?
14. Do you consider yourself worthy in every way to enter the temple and participate in temple ordinances?
For most of my life, I could answer every question satisfactorily, even though I would always rack my brain trying to think of some sin or misdeed that I had forgotten about (question #13), or was I really, truly good enough to attend the temple (#14). A few times in my life, I got behind in paying tithing, and so I wouldn't even try to get access to the temple. Or if I had been a coffee drinker (which I never was), I would not have been given access to the temple. Or what if I had inadvertently (or on purpose) done something wrong but hadn't repented properly? Would I be damned for entering the temple when I was unworthy? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.
Tithing vs. mortgage payments - what's more important?
So here's an experience. I'm not sharing it to make one of my former leaders look bad (he is actually an amazing person and was one of the best bishops that I've ever had). But I want to share this experience to illustrate how deep the fear of not having a temple recommend was for me. And how it drove me to make a disastrous financial decision. I lived in Utah at the time and was struggling financially after having moved from Texas to Utah and moving twice before finally buying a house in the Salt Lake valley. There were a lot of expenses left over from selling my house in Texas and moving multiple times. And I was helping out more than one family member at the time. I got behind on both my mortgage and my tithing payments (I paid a full 10% of my income to the church, which added up really fast).
Toward the end of the year, maybe it was December 2010, the same year that my daughter got divorced and had her second child. It was Sunday, and I was home in bed, sick, and had missed church. My bishop called me to ask about tithing settlement (this is a short meeting where we meet with the bishop and tell him whether or not we are a full tithe payer). I told him that I was behind but that I considered myself to be a full tithe payer. He then told me that if I didn't become current, then we would need to discuss me losing my temple recommend until I got current. I was devastated. And fearful. Losing your temple recommend is bad. As I said before, you must have a temple recommend in order to have certain callings (positions) within the church. And especially in Utah, where the majority of your neighbors are Mormons, and many of them were temple workers, and you attend church together, they know who attends the temple regularly and who doesn't. I would feel like a complete loser if I lost my temple recommend! It is definitely a measuring stick that we use against each other, whether intentional or not. It just is.
I had a choice at that point. Either use all available funds to get current on my mortgage, or somehow try to find a way to catch up paying the tithing to the church. Because I had faith, and because I wanted so badly to be "worthy," I chose to withdraw money out of my 401(k) to pay a big lump sum of tithing to the church. I happily reported to my bishop that I was current again on the tithing. And I was "worthy." I was so relieved. The bad news is, I got further and further behind on the mortgage. I had to do a short sale on my house or go into foreclosure. My house had lost a lot of value in the 1.5 years that we lived in it. I really had no other choice but to sell it. Big loss. Huge mark on my credit report that would prevent me from buying another home for three years. It's still on my credit report.
Just to be clear, I didn't usually view paying tithing as a burden. I truly believed that I was giving back to God, that I was being a good, obedient person, and I felt blessed during other times because of paying tithing.
But...the fear of not being "worthy" is real. And in this situation, it wasn't good. Knowing what I know now, I sure wish that I had that money back.
If I'm not compliant, am I still worthy?
So back to February 2015, living in Texas again by then and in the stake relief society presidency - you must have a temple recommend in order to have that calling. In my previous blog post, I mentioned that I could no longer answer all of the temple worthiness questions satisfactorily. Because of that, I really had no business having a temple recommend. And therefore, I really had no business being in the stake relief society presidency anymore. I couldn't pretend to be "worthy" when I wasn't "worthy" according to that set of questions.
So what's my conclusion about all of this, now that more than a year has passed?
Frankly, I believe that I'm just as "worthy" in my Creator's eyes and in the Universe's realm than when I answered all of those questions satisfactorily. No, I cannot access a Mormon temple, but that does not mean that I'm not "worthy." It only means that my beliefs are no longer compliant with that list of questions. That list of questions has no correlation to what type of person I am. It has no bearing on my integrity or my character.
In the past year, I have figured out that it doesn't matter whether I can answer an arbitrary set of questions in order to feel worthy.
Is it a loss of faith or a loss of fear?
Some might think that I've lost my faith. Actually, what has happened is that I've lost my fear. I've lost my fear of not being worthy. I've lost my fear of men who claimed to be in a position of authority over me. True, I have lost my faith in a church that I was part of for 50 years. But I have not lost my faith in this world, in my fellow humans, in the gifts that I'm fortunate enough to have. I have not lost my faith in kindness, in love, in my family and friends. I have not lost my faith that we are spiritual beings that are connected, that we need one another, that we can do good for one another. But I have lost my fear of accessing a temple if I choose to drink a cup of coffee (coffee is healthier than sodas, energy drinks, and pills anyhow!). I have lost my fear that I won't be with my loved ones if I'm not "worthy." I've lost my fear of not being good enough.According to the Mormon church's teachings, I can be the most loving, kind, generous person but still not reach the highest heaven and be with my family because I cannot....no, I will not....answer that list of questions in the way that they want me to. And it's not okay with me anymore to allow someone else, even a church, to place themselves between me and my Creator. Between me and my loved ones. The loss of fear has been one of the best gifts that I've been given over this past year. The knowledge that compliance has nothing to do with worthiness has been another valuable gift. Life is becoming clearer.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Integrity and My Calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency
This blog post has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven't had the energy or time to put into it what it deserves. But whether I'm ready or not, it's time to share this. This post is so that the women in the Round Rock Stake understand that everything that I did when I was in the stake leadership was real and from my heart. When I knew that I couldn't continue in the calling and still have my integrity, I requested a release.
So here I am a year later, completely out of the church that I no longer believe in. And this weekend is another conference that was planned by women who are equally as committed and passionate as I was. Women who are doing their best to love and include everyone. Women that I still admire and care about. So as you might guess, this weekend is bittersweet. Even though I still maintain many friendships with women inside the church, I can never be part of the church again. Because it's not the church that I thought it was, and because it's not a healthy place for me to be. Can I be honest here? It sucks. It really does. But just like I have no regrets about the conference last year, I have no regrets about leaving the church. Not one.
The time that I spent in the stake Relief Society presidency was so rewarding. Connecting with the women in various congregations in the area was my favorite part. Being "real" when it was my turn to present a lesson to the congregations that we visited, even though I was always a nervous wreck. Ministering one-on-one with women that needed some extra support (and that can include any of us at any time). Meeting with the ward Relief Society presidencies and getting to know them and supporting them. I don't regret it. Not one bit.
My faith crisis started in 2014 while I was in the midst of planning for the conference the following February. During this stage, I do call it a crisis of faith because I was finding out things about my church and its doctrine and history that I didn't know before. I was not only finding out about some unsavory things, but of some really slimy, abusive, disgusting things that were started by Joseph Smith and continued with subsequent prophets in the church for quite some time. I listened to recordings of the "Swedish Rescue" and the "Boise Rescue" where church historians and an apostle gave answers (or non-answers) to questions that the general membership had. The more I read and listened, the worse things got. I saw a side of the church that I didn't know existed, and I was sick about it. There were a few current apostles that I became disenchanted with during this period of time, so I questioned whether I really could continue sustaining them as prophets, seers, and revelators. This was the worst time in my journey because I had absolutely no support system for dealing with the information that I was learning.
By the time February 2015 came (the month of our women's conference), I felt somewhat like a hypocrite being in a stake leadership position when I wasn't sure what I thought of Joseph Smith anymore, and I certainly was put off by a lot of current general leadership. Dallin Oaks was one of the men that I had serious problems with, especially after he stated that the church doesn't give apologies. (I might address this in a different blog post later.) So I didn't feel as though I could honestly answer the "temple worthiness" interview questions and still be seen as worthy to be in a leadership calling. I felt like I needed to be honest with myself and therefore decided to request a release from my calling. I didn't feel as though I was "sinning" or being "unworthy" in any bad way, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I had a testimony of everything when that wasn't the case anymore.
Also during this time frame, there was a leadership training broadcast for stake leadership that was based in San Antonio. I really, really wanted to drive to San Antonio and meet there in person because there was a round table planned where we could sit down with the women's leadership from Salt Lake City. I wanted to discuss the church essays and the problems that I was having with the information. I also knew of others who were having a hard time. And there was absolutely NOWHERE that we could talk about it openly without being looked at with suspicion and fear. The church quietly released these troubling doctrinal and historical essays, yet gave no support for the thousands of people who were now flailing around in a crisis of faith because the church wasn't what they thought it was. I knew that if I could just ask questions, it would be helpful to me. In turn, I could help the women in our stake who were also having questions and were upset.
As circumstances would have it, we weren't able to drive to San Antonio, so we missed the roundtable. I was heartbroken. But we attended the broadcast in Round Rock. Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt when my concerns were addressed by the general women's leadership! I felt validated for the first time, like someone in Salt Lake City knew that many of us were struggling! Most of the women in San Antonio who asked questions during this broadcast were expressing the exact same concerns that I was having! I was so very hopeful at that point that there would be support for the members who were struggling.
By that time, I had already emailed the stake president to request a release from my calling and had received a terse answer back (Looking back, it was a miscommunication that sometimes happens through email. But at the time, I was feeling really badly about the response that I had received from him via email).
I was the only person in the stake Relief Society presidency that expressed any concern at all about all of this. Out of respect for the wonderful women that I served with, I won't go into details, but I will say that I felt very, very alone. I felt like my presence in the presidency was not good for them or for me. My heart was no longer in it. My spirit was hurting badly. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I really had no one to confide in except for my dear daughter and her husband. It was hell.
So the time came during the meeting for the sustaining vote. I reluctantly raised my hand, and there were tears running down my face. I hoped that no one saw. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite for voting yes when I meant no. But I did it because I wasn't ready for what might happen if I voted no. And I knew that eventually, everything would be okay. But it was hell right then, and I just had to endure it.
I don't quite remember the time frame, but I finally met in person with the stake president regarding my request to be released from my calling as second counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Out of respect for him, I will keep the details confidential. But there are a few things that I can share.
First, I didn't know what to expect. The only other time that I had ever talked to him was when he issued the call for me to be in the presidency (and the terse email that he sent back). I really didn't know him at all. So it was difficult to just come out and say that I'm having some major issues with the church, its doctrine, its current leadership, and I don't know where this journey will lead me. He listened and listened. He validated my concerns. He was well-read and well-studied. He was not ignorant of the things that I spoke about. He was not judgmental. He didn't lecture me or tell me to try harder or pray harder or do better. He didn't treat me like I was stupid or a sinner or anything other than a person who was seeking answers. And he didn't have all the answers, and it was okay with me that he didn't have all the answers. I don't think that there are answers for everything. He wanted me to stay in my calling if I thought that I could. He thought it would be good to have someone like me who understands the struggles that others are having. He handled everything very well.
But I still very much needed to be released. I didn't want to influence anyone one way or another by virtue of being in a leadership calling. I needed space to study, think, pray, and go through this journey without being afraid of sending someone else into a tailspin because they saw someone in stake leadership who was struggling. Also, I had gotten injured a few months earlier, and I wasn't getting better. I needed time to heal -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I could not minister to others until I was in better condition to do so.
So he did agree to release me. I think it was about two months later when I was actually released. But by then, I had stopped attending presidency meetings and participating in other presidency duties because I didn't want to cause any contention within the presidency. And my mind and heart were elsewhere. The stake president wished me well and was very kind to me. I don't think that he could have handled our meeting any better than he did. I appreciated it so much.
At this point in time, I had no intention of leaving the church. I had every intention of finding the answers that I sought and somehow reconciling everything and returning to full belief. It didn't happen that way at all. I did find answers, but they were not the answers that I had hoped for.
I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I am now in a very good place emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I no longer feel like I'm going through hell. I have no regrets for this past year. It has been difficult, painful, traumatic, eye-opening, wonderful, freeing, and finally hopeful and happy. It was a long time coming.
In honor of the anniversary of last year's women's conference, I'm sharing some links to slideshows and performances. I feel honored to have served with these women. I look forward to continuing friendships with them.
"One Step Closer" - photo slideshow of some of the wonderful women in the Round Rock Stake. We used this slideshow to introduce the theme and scripture during the opening session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucXfpFx8WOw
"You Raise Me Up" - audio recording of music during the opening session of conference. I overlaid some photography after the conference (since we weren't allowed to videotape in the chapel).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0zyIq7AxEQ
"Come Unto Christ" - audio recording, overlaid with the video that was shown during the musical number. This was during the closing session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69i70Mqg0Bk
"Come Thou Fount" - shhhh....don't tell anyone that we recorded this (with video!) in the chapel after the conference was over! :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmCfaLxo-ig
"Come Unto Christ" Lyrics:
He's the One who healed the leper and who brought the dead to life.
He's the One who fed the hungry and who gave the blind their sight.
He's the One who walked on water; then He brought them safe to shore.
And whenever you may need Him, He's the One you're looking for.
So let Him in, and He will take away your pain.
When you feel His love, you'll never be the same.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
He's the One who taught forgiveness and who showed a better way.
He's the One who helped the hopeless and those who'd gone astray.
He's the Savior and Redeemer, the Bread of Life, the Prince of Peace.
If you're hungry, lost, or captive, He's the One who sets you free.
So let Him in.
And you'll remember who you are.
He will mold your life and change your willing heart.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ. And you will find eternal life.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name.
He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
Terminology
- ward = local congregation
- stake = a collection of local congregations in a geographic area
- stake presidency = the head of the stake; consists of four men (president, two counselors, a secretary)
- stake relief society presidency = women's leadership of the stake; consists of four women (president, two counselors, a secretary); takes direction from the stake presidency; supports ward relief society presidencies
- calling = a voluntary position in the church that has specific responsibilities; sometimes takes hours of your time every week; some callings are more time-intensive than others
- release = you are no longer in the position
Stake relief society presidency; stake women's conference
One year ago, it was the eve of the stake women's conference that I was in charge of. A conference for hundreds of Mormon women and their friends, trying to ensure that everyone felt wanted and loved, trying to include something that would edify all of the various women that would attend (ages 16 and up). My whole heart was in it. Planning and preparing for the conference took over my life. I don't regret the time and effort spent in doing it. I cherish the friendships that came out of it. I really have no regrets about it at all. Not one.So here I am a year later, completely out of the church that I no longer believe in. And this weekend is another conference that was planned by women who are equally as committed and passionate as I was. Women who are doing their best to love and include everyone. Women that I still admire and care about. So as you might guess, this weekend is bittersweet. Even though I still maintain many friendships with women inside the church, I can never be part of the church again. Because it's not the church that I thought it was, and because it's not a healthy place for me to be. Can I be honest here? It sucks. It really does. But just like I have no regrets about the conference last year, I have no regrets about leaving the church. Not one.
The time that I spent in the stake Relief Society presidency was so rewarding. Connecting with the women in various congregations in the area was my favorite part. Being "real" when it was my turn to present a lesson to the congregations that we visited, even though I was always a nervous wreck. Ministering one-on-one with women that needed some extra support (and that can include any of us at any time). Meeting with the ward Relief Society presidencies and getting to know them and supporting them. I don't regret it. Not one bit.
What does integrity have to do with it?
When you are in a leadership calling, assumptions are made about you, such as you have a testimony that Joseph Smith (founder of Mormonism) was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is a true, historical document, that the current church leaders are prophets, seers, and revelators, that you pay a full tithe (10% of your income goes to the church), that you don't drink coffee or tea or alcohol, that you don't sympathize with people or groups who are contrary to the teachings of the church, that you are honest.My faith crisis started in 2014 while I was in the midst of planning for the conference the following February. During this stage, I do call it a crisis of faith because I was finding out things about my church and its doctrine and history that I didn't know before. I was not only finding out about some unsavory things, but of some really slimy, abusive, disgusting things that were started by Joseph Smith and continued with subsequent prophets in the church for quite some time. I listened to recordings of the "Swedish Rescue" and the "Boise Rescue" where church historians and an apostle gave answers (or non-answers) to questions that the general membership had. The more I read and listened, the worse things got. I saw a side of the church that I didn't know existed, and I was sick about it. There were a few current apostles that I became disenchanted with during this period of time, so I questioned whether I really could continue sustaining them as prophets, seers, and revelators. This was the worst time in my journey because I had absolutely no support system for dealing with the information that I was learning.
By the time February 2015 came (the month of our women's conference), I felt somewhat like a hypocrite being in a stake leadership position when I wasn't sure what I thought of Joseph Smith anymore, and I certainly was put off by a lot of current general leadership. Dallin Oaks was one of the men that I had serious problems with, especially after he stated that the church doesn't give apologies. (I might address this in a different blog post later.) So I didn't feel as though I could honestly answer the "temple worthiness" interview questions and still be seen as worthy to be in a leadership calling. I felt like I needed to be honest with myself and therefore decided to request a release from my calling. I didn't feel as though I was "sinning" or being "unworthy" in any bad way, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I had a testimony of everything when that wasn't the case anymore.
Also during this time frame, there was a leadership training broadcast for stake leadership that was based in San Antonio. I really, really wanted to drive to San Antonio and meet there in person because there was a round table planned where we could sit down with the women's leadership from Salt Lake City. I wanted to discuss the church essays and the problems that I was having with the information. I also knew of others who were having a hard time. And there was absolutely NOWHERE that we could talk about it openly without being looked at with suspicion and fear. The church quietly released these troubling doctrinal and historical essays, yet gave no support for the thousands of people who were now flailing around in a crisis of faith because the church wasn't what they thought it was. I knew that if I could just ask questions, it would be helpful to me. In turn, I could help the women in our stake who were also having questions and were upset.
As circumstances would have it, we weren't able to drive to San Antonio, so we missed the roundtable. I was heartbroken. But we attended the broadcast in Round Rock. Oh, my gosh. I cannot tell you the relief that I felt when my concerns were addressed by the general women's leadership! I felt validated for the first time, like someone in Salt Lake City knew that many of us were struggling! Most of the women in San Antonio who asked questions during this broadcast were expressing the exact same concerns that I was having! I was so very hopeful at that point that there would be support for the members who were struggling.
By that time, I had already emailed the stake president to request a release from my calling and had received a terse answer back (Looking back, it was a miscommunication that sometimes happens through email. But at the time, I was feeling really badly about the response that I had received from him via email).
I was the only person in the stake Relief Society presidency that expressed any concern at all about all of this. Out of respect for the wonderful women that I served with, I won't go into details, but I will say that I felt very, very alone. I felt like my presence in the presidency was not good for them or for me. My heart was no longer in it. My spirit was hurting badly. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I really had no one to confide in except for my dear daughter and her husband. It was hell.
To sustain or not - fear vs. integrity
Also during this time (February 2015), it was our ward conference. During the conference, a sustaining vote is taken. This is where they read the names over the pulpit of the local leadership and the general leadership in Salt Lake City, and we raise our hands for a yes or a no vote. It's very rare for a no vote to be raised. I didn't feel right about raising my hand for a yes vote for the Salt Lake City leadership (I had no problems voting yes for the local leadership). But I had a dilemma. I was also the organist for our ward, which meant that I would be up in front of everyone sitting on the organ bench when the vote happened. If I raised my hand "no," everyone would see. If I didn't raise my hand at all (which I seriously considered), everyone would see. Since I was still in a stake leadership position at the time, it might cause some uproar, concern, and even gossip if I abstained or voted no. So what about my honesty and integrity in this situation? I cried about my dilemma. Do I fear potential backlash and fallout? Or do I keep my integrity intact by voting no? Was I ready for that? If I vote yes, then to me, it implied that I supported everything that was happening at the church headquarters. So that morning as I was driving to church, I happened to look down at the floor in my car, where there was still some artwork of Jesus left over from the women's conference. The thought came to my mind to go ahead and sustain (vote yes) today, that everything will eventually be okay. I felt peace about that thought, so I decided that yes, I would go ahead and raise my hand today to sustain the general leadership of the church.So the time came during the meeting for the sustaining vote. I reluctantly raised my hand, and there were tears running down my face. I hoped that no one saw. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite for voting yes when I meant no. But I did it because I wasn't ready for what might happen if I voted no. And I knew that eventually, everything would be okay. But it was hell right then, and I just had to endure it.
My request to be released was honored
In the Mormon culture, it is not the norm to request a release from a calling unless there are extenuating circumstances. You are expected to continue fulfilling the responsibilities until the male leadership releases you. Callings are seen as coming directly from God, so to say no or to request a release is to say no to God. (I don't believe this is always true, but that's the culture.)I don't quite remember the time frame, but I finally met in person with the stake president regarding my request to be released from my calling as second counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Out of respect for him, I will keep the details confidential. But there are a few things that I can share.
First, I didn't know what to expect. The only other time that I had ever talked to him was when he issued the call for me to be in the presidency (and the terse email that he sent back). I really didn't know him at all. So it was difficult to just come out and say that I'm having some major issues with the church, its doctrine, its current leadership, and I don't know where this journey will lead me. He listened and listened. He validated my concerns. He was well-read and well-studied. He was not ignorant of the things that I spoke about. He was not judgmental. He didn't lecture me or tell me to try harder or pray harder or do better. He didn't treat me like I was stupid or a sinner or anything other than a person who was seeking answers. And he didn't have all the answers, and it was okay with me that he didn't have all the answers. I don't think that there are answers for everything. He wanted me to stay in my calling if I thought that I could. He thought it would be good to have someone like me who understands the struggles that others are having. He handled everything very well.
But I still very much needed to be released. I didn't want to influence anyone one way or another by virtue of being in a leadership calling. I needed space to study, think, pray, and go through this journey without being afraid of sending someone else into a tailspin because they saw someone in stake leadership who was struggling. Also, I had gotten injured a few months earlier, and I wasn't getting better. I needed time to heal -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I could not minister to others until I was in better condition to do so.
So he did agree to release me. I think it was about two months later when I was actually released. But by then, I had stopped attending presidency meetings and participating in other presidency duties because I didn't want to cause any contention within the presidency. And my mind and heart were elsewhere. The stake president wished me well and was very kind to me. I don't think that he could have handled our meeting any better than he did. I appreciated it so much.
At this point in time, I had no intention of leaving the church. I had every intention of finding the answers that I sought and somehow reconciling everything and returning to full belief. It didn't happen that way at all. I did find answers, but they were not the answers that I had hoped for.
A fond look back at women's conference 2015
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13
I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I am now in a very good place emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I no longer feel like I'm going through hell. I have no regrets for this past year. It has been difficult, painful, traumatic, eye-opening, wonderful, freeing, and finally hopeful and happy. It was a long time coming.
In honor of the anniversary of last year's women's conference, I'm sharing some links to slideshows and performances. I feel honored to have served with these women. I look forward to continuing friendships with them.
"One Step Closer" - photo slideshow of some of the wonderful women in the Round Rock Stake. We used this slideshow to introduce the theme and scripture during the opening session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucXfpFx8WOw
"You Raise Me Up" - audio recording of music during the opening session of conference. I overlaid some photography after the conference (since we weren't allowed to videotape in the chapel).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0zyIq7AxEQ
"Come Unto Christ" - audio recording, overlaid with the video that was shown during the musical number. This was during the closing session of conference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69i70Mqg0Bk
"Come Thou Fount" - shhhh....don't tell anyone that we recorded this (with video!) in the chapel after the conference was over! :-)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmCfaLxo-ig
"Come Unto Christ" Lyrics:
He's the One who healed the leper and who brought the dead to life.
He's the One who fed the hungry and who gave the blind their sight.
He's the One who walked on water; then He brought them safe to shore.
And whenever you may need Him, He's the One you're looking for.
So let Him in, and He will take away your pain.
When you feel His love, you'll never be the same.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
He's the One who taught forgiveness and who showed a better way.
He's the One who helped the hopeless and those who'd gone astray.
He's the Savior and Redeemer, the Bread of Life, the Prince of Peace.
If you're hungry, lost, or captive, He's the One who sets you free.
So let Him in.
And you'll remember who you are.
He will mold your life and change your willing heart.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name. He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ. And you will find eternal life.
Come unto Christ. Come unto Him.
And by His grace be made holy again.
He's calling your name.
He's waiting for you with arms open wide.
Come unto Christ.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Trust
Thanks to the hundreds of people (yes, hundreds!) who have read my
first blog post so far. Several of you have reached out to me privately
and publicly in compassion, love, and understanding. Some of you have
expressed similar experiences for yourself or your loved ones. It helps
so much for all of us to know that we're not alone, no matter what the
issue is.
So this blog post will center around trust, and why / how I lost my trust in the general authorities of the church. For anyone who disagrees with me about my thought process, that's fine. Remember that this is MY experience. Believe me, I have read many apologists' views in hopes that their perspectives would help me, but it just made things worse for me. Many people have learned the same information that I have, and they are somehow able to reconcile it enough that they stay in the church. That is their experience and decision, and I respect that.
I came across a quote a few weeks ago that really applies to this situation:
Because so much of my disaffection with the church is because of trust (or lack thereof), I will probably write more than one blog post about trust and integrity. Not so you necessarily agree with my conclusions, but hopefully you'll understand where I'm coming from. And if you are also having a similar experience, you know that you're not alone. It hasn't been fun, I can tell you that much. :-)
I also believed other things that were taught in church...that Joseph Smith was given golden plates by Angel Moroni, that Joseph then translated the characters into English using a tool called the urim and thummim. That he looked upon the plates with this tool and dictated the content aloud into English, which was written down by a scribe. I was taught that this translation became what we now know as the Book of Mormon. I believed that the Book of Mormon was a true, historical document. The translation process made so much sense to me, and I believed it. There are songs about it that the children learn - "The Golden Plates" and "Book of Mormon Stories." The artwork that is still used today depicts that narrative of the character-by-character translation process so beautifully.
I also learned that Joseph and his wife Emma had such a wonderful, loving relationship. That they both sacrificed so much for the church. That Joseph was tarred and feathered because of religious persecution. I believed that this was the one, true church, even though I thought that there was good in all other faiths. I believed that everyone must have specific ordinances to be saved. I believed that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I believed that polygamy started with Brigham Young so widows and otherwise unmarried women would be taken care of financially. I believed that Joseph Smith was innocent.
My testimony, my beautiful testimony of the restoration of the gospel was built upon these stories. My beautiful testimony that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were martyrs. My testimony that Jesus Himself called Joseph Smith to organize The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a popular hymn in the church called "Praise to the Man" that is all about Joseph Smith and how he communed with Jesus. I loved playing that hymn on the organ during church services.
Even as recently as October 2014, I believed it enough to attend three different temples during a vacation in Utah while I was attending general conference in person that year. Even though there were policies and cultural things that I didn't like, I still believed. Even though I was adamantly opposed to a hiring policy that I had recently found out about (one that made me sob!), I still paid 10% of my income to the church as tithing. Just closed my eyes and thought, "Follow the prophet! Don't go astray!" I was all in. ALL. IN. I was going to be obedient even at the expense of my own uneasy feelings and misgivings. Because obedience is of utmost important to be considered worthy, but that's another topic for another day.
I realized that all the stories that I had been taught at church were just that...stories. And I realized that many of those people who were excommunicated for exposing the truth over the years were actually telling the truth! And even South Park who made fun of Joseph Smith looking in a hat was telling the truth! And all of those anti-Mormons who were in the parking lots at the Nauvoo Temple Open House handing out newspapers that talked about Joseph Smith's polygamous wives were telling the truth!! And even the church itself was now disavowing any previous racist theories that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. So then what are you supposed to think? That the ban was based on racism instead of what God wanted? This is the opposite of what was taught in church.
So do you know who was not telling the truth all of these years...from the time of Joseph Smith until the present day? It was my own church that was not teaching the facts at all. And then encouraging us not to look elsewhere to find facts. So was there an intentional effort to keep us in ignorance? How many general authorities from Day 1 knew the truth and kept it from the general membership for generations...and then excommunicated people who tried to share the truth with others? It started with Joseph Smith who excommunicated some of his closest associates when they had problems with his secret polygamy. The excommunications have continued throughout the years until the present day.
I wondered about my own ancestors who lived in Nauvoo and Kirtland and Far West when Joseph Smith did. I wondered if they knew about the secret polygamy and still believed anyway. Thankfully, after much study, I realized that it was likely that my people did NOT know about Joseph's secret wives. My people were not in Joseph's inner circle. They were not sworn to secrecy with an oath of death. They were not participants in the polygamy in Nauvoo. When I realized this, I was so relieved, more than you know. They were doing what they thought was right. They followed a very charismatic leader who told good stories. Who wouldn't fall for that back then if you didn't know any of the secrets?
I tried sharing the essays with people at church but was met with suspicion and resistance. I tried talking about being shocked at finding out about all of Joseph Smith's wives, but also that he LIED about his marriages to Emma. My own daughter tried talking about it in a private conversation in the hallway one day at church. But someone who was eavesdropping reported her to our local leadership for trying to lead people astray. For what? For discussing what she learned from a church-sanctioned publication. I knew then that I couldn't talk about any of this to anyone at church for fear of being reported to the bishop or stake president, losing my access to the temple, losing my calling in the stake women's leadership, or looked upon as an agitator for wanting to talk about the truth. If you can't talk about truth at church, then where can you talk about it? Only if you accidentally stumble on a friend who is having the same hard time, can you talk about it openly.
There were many times that I thought, where would I go if I don't have the church? It's all I know. It's such an integral part of my life. Any time that I have during the week or on weekends is spent doing some kind of church work. So what would I do? Where would I go? The anxiety was unbearable, but I still kept doing the best that I could in both of my assignments in stake leadership and in playing the organ in my own congregation.
So my question is...who in high leadership knew the truth but failed to fix the narrative that has been taught in church for generations? Or did they not know the truth? For example, in a TV interview of Gordon B. Hinckley (who I believe was a good man), he said that the church members didn't practice polygamy until they went west to Utah. Now I know that is a false statement. So did Hinckley not know about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum and others who practiced polygamy while they were still in Nauvoo? I keep telling myself that he didn't know. That he wouldn't lie about something like that. But when you are a prophet, seer, and revelator, isn't it your responsibility to know the truth? To know the origins and history of your own church that you lead? So I'm at a loss here.
On the church's own web site, there is a video of a church historian (Steven Snow) that says that this information is not new, that many people have known about it for years. So my question is...if people knew about this information, why was it not taught? Why did people have to go outside of official church sources to find the information? I've talked about this with my mom. She says that she knew about Joseph Smith's other wives. Then I asked her, did she learn about them at church? Well, no. She learned about it by reading a novel. I don't share this to embarrass my mom. I love my mom, and she has no ill will in her soul. I share it only to illustrate that she had to read it in a novel to learn about the other wives of Joseph Smith.
Why did the whole world know about the truth except for faithful Mormons who, by following the brethren's counsel, kept themselves in willful ignorance?
Please know that I do not fault ANY of my local leadership past or present. I do not fault any of my previous instructors at church. All of us were presented with the same stories. We unknowingly passed along false information from generation to generation. My parents unknowingly passed along false information.
When we want to have access to the temple, each of us must answer a question similar to, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?" My answer is always yes. Unequivocally yes. However, based on what I now know, the church itself cannot answer its own worthiness question in the affirmative. This hurts. It hurts badly. It has hurt countless, faithful people who believed.
The good news is that, even though you cannot return from the rabbit hole through the same way that you entered it, you CAN get out of the rabbit hole. You just have to find another way out of it. But you'll never be the same. It's ugly. But it's beautiful at the same time. There is hope, whether you decide to stay in the church or leave it. Everyone must decide for themselves. Don't be in a hurry to decide. It's your journey. It's your pain. It's your joy. Just hang in there because you. are. not. alone.
Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng#38
So this blog post will center around trust, and why / how I lost my trust in the general authorities of the church. For anyone who disagrees with me about my thought process, that's fine. Remember that this is MY experience. Believe me, I have read many apologists' views in hopes that their perspectives would help me, but it just made things worse for me. Many people have learned the same information that I have, and they are somehow able to reconcile it enough that they stay in the church. That is their experience and decision, and I respect that.
I came across a quote a few weeks ago that really applies to this situation:
"When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest."
Because so much of my disaffection with the church is because of trust (or lack thereof), I will probably write more than one blog post about trust and integrity. Not so you necessarily agree with my conclusions, but hopefully you'll understand where I'm coming from. And if you are also having a similar experience, you know that you're not alone. It hasn't been fun, I can tell you that much. :-)
Background
As I mentioned in my previous post, I followed the counsel of the brethren and didn't read any anti-Mormon literature, and I didn't seek out any religious books that were not part of the official church curriculum, written by a church leader, or sold by the church's publishing arm - Deseret Book. I was very careful to avoid coming across information that might lead me astray from the church and its teachings. I had heard about various people over the years who had been excommunicated for exposing some really negative information about Joseph Smith (the founder), church history, and doctrine. I didn't want to become one of "those people," so I really did try my best to stay away from any potential damaging material. I was willfully ignorant, you might say.My Testimony of the Restoration
I believed it. All of it. I was taught in church from a young age and well into my adulthood (even as recently as 2015) that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God...that he actually saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ standing side by side, and that he conversed with them. This was called the "First Vision." Oh, it was a beautiful story, and I believed it with all my heart. There is a beautiful hymn that we sing called "Oh, How Lovely Was the Morning" about this first vision. How can you not believe it?I also believed other things that were taught in church...that Joseph Smith was given golden plates by Angel Moroni, that Joseph then translated the characters into English using a tool called the urim and thummim. That he looked upon the plates with this tool and dictated the content aloud into English, which was written down by a scribe. I was taught that this translation became what we now know as the Book of Mormon. I believed that the Book of Mormon was a true, historical document. The translation process made so much sense to me, and I believed it. There are songs about it that the children learn - "The Golden Plates" and "Book of Mormon Stories." The artwork that is still used today depicts that narrative of the character-by-character translation process so beautifully.
I also learned that Joseph and his wife Emma had such a wonderful, loving relationship. That they both sacrificed so much for the church. That Joseph was tarred and feathered because of religious persecution. I believed that this was the one, true church, even though I thought that there was good in all other faiths. I believed that everyone must have specific ordinances to be saved. I believed that the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. I believed that polygamy started with Brigham Young so widows and otherwise unmarried women would be taken care of financially. I believed that Joseph Smith was innocent.
My testimony, my beautiful testimony of the restoration of the gospel was built upon these stories. My beautiful testimony that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were martyrs. My testimony that Jesus Himself called Joseph Smith to organize The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is a popular hymn in the church called "Praise to the Man" that is all about Joseph Smith and how he communed with Jesus. I loved playing that hymn on the organ during church services.
Even as recently as October 2014, I believed it enough to attend three different temples during a vacation in Utah while I was attending general conference in person that year. Even though there were policies and cultural things that I didn't like, I still believed. Even though I was adamantly opposed to a hiring policy that I had recently found out about (one that made me sob!), I still paid 10% of my income to the church as tithing. Just closed my eyes and thought, "Follow the prophet! Don't go astray!" I was all in. ALL. IN. I was going to be obedient even at the expense of my own uneasy feelings and misgivings. Because obedience is of utmost important to be considered worthy, but that's another topic for another day.
Truth that Wasn't Taught in Church - The Gospel Topics Essays
Toward the end of 2014, I found out about several essays that the church had recently published on their own web site. These essays were supposedly "safe" to read even though they discussed some very difficult issues about Joseph Smith and church history, as well as the church doctrine that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. I was so very glad to finally read something that was published by my own church that actually talked about some things that weren't so flattering. I finally had "permission" to read this stuff! So I read. And I read. And I gasped. And I cried. And I looked at the footnotes. And I was shocked. And saddened. And then angry.I realized that all the stories that I had been taught at church were just that...stories. And I realized that many of those people who were excommunicated for exposing the truth over the years were actually telling the truth! And even South Park who made fun of Joseph Smith looking in a hat was telling the truth! And all of those anti-Mormons who were in the parking lots at the Nauvoo Temple Open House handing out newspapers that talked about Joseph Smith's polygamous wives were telling the truth!! And even the church itself was now disavowing any previous racist theories that banned black people from the priesthood and the temple. So then what are you supposed to think? That the ban was based on racism instead of what God wanted? This is the opposite of what was taught in church.
So do you know who was not telling the truth all of these years...from the time of Joseph Smith until the present day? It was my own church that was not teaching the facts at all. And then encouraging us not to look elsewhere to find facts. So was there an intentional effort to keep us in ignorance? How many general authorities from Day 1 knew the truth and kept it from the general membership for generations...and then excommunicated people who tried to share the truth with others? It started with Joseph Smith who excommunicated some of his closest associates when they had problems with his secret polygamy. The excommunications have continued throughout the years until the present day.
Betrayed and Duped and Fooled
So all of those years that I defended the church against my friends or anyone who would dare say a negative thing about the church...I was defending lies. My entire testimony was built on lies. I felt duped and betrayed. I felt like a fool. I was so angry and so hurt. And I taught these lies to my own daughter. And my church teachers taught these lies to me...unknowingly. Because they were taught the same lies. It seemed like everyone else in the world knew about this stuff except me. But then I found out that very few others in the church knew about this, too.I wondered about my own ancestors who lived in Nauvoo and Kirtland and Far West when Joseph Smith did. I wondered if they knew about the secret polygamy and still believed anyway. Thankfully, after much study, I realized that it was likely that my people did NOT know about Joseph's secret wives. My people were not in Joseph's inner circle. They were not sworn to secrecy with an oath of death. They were not participants in the polygamy in Nauvoo. When I realized this, I was so relieved, more than you know. They were doing what they thought was right. They followed a very charismatic leader who told good stories. Who wouldn't fall for that back then if you didn't know any of the secrets?
I tried sharing the essays with people at church but was met with suspicion and resistance. I tried talking about being shocked at finding out about all of Joseph Smith's wives, but also that he LIED about his marriages to Emma. My own daughter tried talking about it in a private conversation in the hallway one day at church. But someone who was eavesdropping reported her to our local leadership for trying to lead people astray. For what? For discussing what she learned from a church-sanctioned publication. I knew then that I couldn't talk about any of this to anyone at church for fear of being reported to the bishop or stake president, losing my access to the temple, losing my calling in the stake women's leadership, or looked upon as an agitator for wanting to talk about the truth. If you can't talk about truth at church, then where can you talk about it? Only if you accidentally stumble on a friend who is having the same hard time, can you talk about it openly.
Panic and Anxiety
So what do you do when you find out that your testimony was based on lies? That the church was not what it claimed to be? That Joseph Smith and all the others after him were deceitful about the true beginnings of the church? What do you do when the rug has been pulled out from under you? How many panic attacks did I and others have as a result? Many.There were many times that I thought, where would I go if I don't have the church? It's all I know. It's such an integral part of my life. Any time that I have during the week or on weekends is spent doing some kind of church work. So what would I do? Where would I go? The anxiety was unbearable, but I still kept doing the best that I could in both of my assignments in stake leadership and in playing the organ in my own congregation.
Who Knew and Why Didn't They Fix the Narrative?
When something big happens in the church, a letter from the top 15 in Salt Lake City is read over the pulpit in every local congregation. For example, a letter is read when they announce the dates of general conference. A letter was read when the church announced that gay marriages cannot be performed in the church buildings. But no letter was read to announce that the essays had been published. So people are naturally suspicious when someone tries to share an essay with them. They assume that it's anti-Mormon content, even though the church published the essays on its own web site.So my question is...who in high leadership knew the truth but failed to fix the narrative that has been taught in church for generations? Or did they not know the truth? For example, in a TV interview of Gordon B. Hinckley (who I believe was a good man), he said that the church members didn't practice polygamy until they went west to Utah. Now I know that is a false statement. So did Hinckley not know about Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum and others who practiced polygamy while they were still in Nauvoo? I keep telling myself that he didn't know. That he wouldn't lie about something like that. But when you are a prophet, seer, and revelator, isn't it your responsibility to know the truth? To know the origins and history of your own church that you lead? So I'm at a loss here.
On the church's own web site, there is a video of a church historian (Steven Snow) that says that this information is not new, that many people have known about it for years. So my question is...if people knew about this information, why was it not taught? Why did people have to go outside of official church sources to find the information? I've talked about this with my mom. She says that she knew about Joseph Smith's other wives. Then I asked her, did she learn about them at church? Well, no. She learned about it by reading a novel. I don't share this to embarrass my mom. I love my mom, and she has no ill will in her soul. I share it only to illustrate that she had to read it in a novel to learn about the other wives of Joseph Smith.
Why did the whole world know about the truth except for faithful Mormons who, by following the brethren's counsel, kept themselves in willful ignorance?
Conclusion
This blog post is a little scattered all over the place. I apologize for that. But hopefully, it gives you a birds-eye view into my thought process and why I can no longer trust the high-up leadership. I'll write more posts to discuss some of the specific things that I've learned since 2014 and how it has sent me down a rabbit hole from which there is no return. I do not wish this part of the journey on anyone. It is so hard to find out that your own church has been deceitful all along. That the brethren that you sustained your entire life had some hand in concealing the truth, whether intentional or not.Please know that I do not fault ANY of my local leadership past or present. I do not fault any of my previous instructors at church. All of us were presented with the same stories. We unknowingly passed along false information from generation to generation. My parents unknowingly passed along false information.
When we want to have access to the temple, each of us must answer a question similar to, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?" My answer is always yes. Unequivocally yes. However, based on what I now know, the church itself cannot answer its own worthiness question in the affirmative. This hurts. It hurts badly. It has hurt countless, faithful people who believed.
The good news is that, even though you cannot return from the rabbit hole through the same way that you entered it, you CAN get out of the rabbit hole. You just have to find another way out of it. But you'll never be the same. It's ugly. But it's beautiful at the same time. There is hope, whether you decide to stay in the church or leave it. Everyone must decide for themselves. Don't be in a hurry to decide. It's your journey. It's your pain. It's your joy. Just hang in there because you. are. not. alone.
Sources
Following are some sources that I mentioned in this blog post.Gospel topics essays on the church's web site:
https://www.lds.org/topics/essays?lang=engLinks to individual essays that made my head spin:
- Book of Mormon Translation: https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-translation
- Race and the Priesthood: https://www.lds.org/topics/race-and-the-priesthood
- Translation and Historicity of the Book of Abraham: https://www.lds.org/topics/translation-and-historicity-of-the-book-of-abraham
- Plural Marriage in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints
- Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo
- Plural Marriage and Families in Early Utah: https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-and-families-in-early-utah
- The Manifesto and the End of Plural Marriage: https://www.lds.org/topics/the-manifesto-and-the-end-of-plural-marriage
- First Vision Accounts: https://www.lds.org/topics/first-vision-accounts
A few sources mentioned in the footnotes of the essays:
- In Utah, the first wife was part of the plural marriage ceremony, standing between her husband and the bride and placing the hand of the bride in the hand of the husband. “Celestial Marriage,” The Seer 1 (Feb. 1853): 31.
- "In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith" by Todd Compton: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/400736.In_Sacred_Loneliness
- "Rough Stone Rolling" by Richard L. Bushman: https://deseretbook.com/p/joseph-smith-rough-stone-rolling-richard-l-bushman-5351
- "The Joseph Smith Papers" project: http://josephsmithpapers.org/doc/introduction-to-journals-volume-2
- Start at the paragraph that reads: "By December 1842, the end of the first year covered in these journals, Joseph Smith had explained the doctrine of plural marriage to a few of his closest associates and was practicing it himself."
Videos on the main gospel topics page:
- Steven Snow - What about historical questions? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=what-about-historical-questions
- Anthony Perkins - How will gospel topics be enhanced? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-will-gospel-topics-be-enhanced
- Paul Pieper - How does the gospel topics section help me? https://www.lds.org/topics?lang=eng#media=how-does-the-gospel-topics-section-help-me
Gordon B. Hinckley interview on Larry King Live:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAsNMWwRXvs- Start at 11:35 where they discuss polygamy. Hinckley says that polygamy started when the Mormons came west. He says that it was permitted on a restricted scale and that it was safeguarded. He said that it was discontinued in 1890, and that it is not doctrinal.
Polygamy did not end after the 1890 manifesto by Wilford Woodroof
Unlike the 1890 Manifesto, the LDS Church has not canonized the "Second Manifesto," which is explained here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_ManifestoScripture that talks about plural marriage and threatening Emma with destruction if she didn't agree to polygamy:
Doctrine and Covenants 132: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same
Doctrine and Covenants 1:38: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/1.38?lang=eng#38
When the prophet speaks the debate is over
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/08/the-debate-is-overCES hiring policy change announcement - do not hire people who are currently divorced; used to also not hire people who had ever been divorced, even if they were remarried; used to also not hire women who had children at home, although they would hire men who had children at home
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865615543/LDS-women-with-children-now-eligible-for-full-time-seminary-institute-jobs.html?pg=allAnd finally, a humorous YouTube video that had nothing to do with my disaffection but sarcastically and humorously describes the gospel topics essays that did have a lot to do with my disaffection. :-)
Brother Jake Presents - A Gospel Topics Commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ1ouziD56oMonday, January 4, 2016
My Difficult Choice of 2015 - The Future is Bright
Dear friends and family who are reading this blog...please know how important you are to me and how much I love and care for you. Please know that I am happy, content, and am living my life in the best way that I know how. For some of you, this blog post will be a shock. You might feel hurt or confused. Others of you will be happy for me and think that it's about time that I made a decision. All of your feelings are valid, just as mine are. So please hear me out and keep an open mind as you read this post. As you might imagine, this is a difficult post to write, but it is also something that I've wanted to do for several months. It is time.
My dad served a mission for the church. My mom has played the organ at church since before I was born. My parents were married in the Idaho Falls Temple in 1953, which means that they covenanted with God and with each other that their marriage would be eternal, provided that they both continued to be worthy in this life. They were promised that their children would also be part of their eternal family, provided that all of us continued being worthy throughout our lives on earth. If any of us strayed or were otherwise deemed unworthy, we would not be able to be part of the eternal family after death. So throughout my life, there has been tremendous motivation, faith, and even fear that I would remain worthy in God's eyes so that I could be with my family forever.
I give this brief background so you understand a little of my religious heritage that has been part of me for the past 50 years. My roots in Mormonism run deep. I was a true believer all my life.
Oh, friends and family that are Mormon, my biggest concern right now is for you and your reaction. I'm not so concerned about what you will think of me, but of how my decision might cause you sorrow or pain. I don't want to be a source of sadness and pain for anyone. Some of you will be sincerely concerned about my eternal salvation and everything that I've given up according to church teachings. Your fears and concerns are valid. I just want to acknowledge that. I care about you. I always have, and I always will.
Please know that I tried to find ways to stay, even when I stopped believing. It came to the point where church was no longer a healthy place for me to be. Some of you have witnessed this.
I did not make my decision lightly, and I did not make the decision overnight. There's no other way to describe it except that it has been a slow, painful, gut-wrenching awakening that has taken more than a year. It started in the last half of 2014, and I came to my decision about a year later.
The most important thing is now I have my integrity back (I'll explain in a future blog post), and I feel at peace with my decision. Completely.
For those of you who know me only from being in the same church, we will still have lots of things to talk about. Your families, your activities, your hobbies, your health habits. I'm okay with you talking about church things around me. I'm okay if you invite me to a baptism or other important church-related event for you. I feel this way about anyone in my life, regardless of religious preference.
A good friend who is Mormon called me a couple of weeks ago to ask some advice about the women's conference that she's helping to plan this year, even though she knows that I no longer attend church. I was delighted that she treated me NORMALLY, like she always has, and that she didn't have an underlying agenda (such as reactivating me) when she called me.
Let's please just not be awkward! :-)
You may disagree with some things that I write, but it's okay. Each of us has our way of looking at the world. It's a beautiful thing. It brings balance to the world to have differing opinions and experiences.
I hope you read my future blog posts because I will talk about some of the details of my faith transition, and what I like to call my awakening. For anyone who is planning to stay Mormon, perhaps my experiences will help you understand a loved one that has left the church. For those who have left Mormonism, perhaps some of my posts will resonate with you, and you won't feel alone. For those who are still Mormon but are having a hard time with things, perhaps you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave. For anyone who has never been Mormon, perhaps you'll recognize some of the same issues in your own lives.
Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering...yes, my mother knows! She is an active Mormon and has been for her entire life of 80 years. Our relationship is good.
Thank you for sticking it out and reading until the end of this first post. You are brave for doing so, and you have endurance! May you have a wonderful 2016. The future is definitely bright!
Background
As most of you know, I have been a Mormon my entire life. I was born into a family that belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons). My family history in this particular religion goes back to its beginnings in the early 1800s when the church was founded by Joseph Smith. In fact, all of my ancestors on both my mom's and dad's families were early converts to Mormonism. They knew Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and the other early church leaders. I don't think that any of my people were part of the inner circle, but they associated with these leaders because the church was very small back then, and everybody knew everybody. My ancestors crossed the plains in covered wagons to escape religious persecution in the United States and to start a new life in Utah, which was not yet part of the U.S. Some of them sailed by ship from Norway via Liverpool, England. Some of them sailed from New York to San Francisco and then traveled to Utah by mule as part of the religious movement. Others served in the Mormon Battalion, which meant serving the same country that they were in the process of leaving. I admire their fortitude and strength and for following their hearts and dreams, even though it was probably the most difficult thing that they had ever done. They did it at great personal cost. I have researched a lot about my people, and I feel connected to them. I am proud of that heritage.My dad served a mission for the church. My mom has played the organ at church since before I was born. My parents were married in the Idaho Falls Temple in 1953, which means that they covenanted with God and with each other that their marriage would be eternal, provided that they both continued to be worthy in this life. They were promised that their children would also be part of their eternal family, provided that all of us continued being worthy throughout our lives on earth. If any of us strayed or were otherwise deemed unworthy, we would not be able to be part of the eternal family after death. So throughout my life, there has been tremendous motivation, faith, and even fear that I would remain worthy in God's eyes so that I could be with my family forever.
I give this brief background so you understand a little of my religious heritage that has been part of me for the past 50 years. My roots in Mormonism run deep. I was a true believer all my life.
My Life - My Decision
I decided midway through 2015 to step away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Initially, it was my intent to take an indefinite sabbatical to try to wrap my head around numerous issues, doctrines, teachings, and policies that have caused me much angst over the past couple of years. However, over the past few months as I have studied, prayed, and tried to see the big picture, and tried to reconcile some big things, I've decided to completely step away. In other words, my decision is that I am leaving Mormonism.Oh, friends and family that are Mormon, my biggest concern right now is for you and your reaction. I'm not so concerned about what you will think of me, but of how my decision might cause you sorrow or pain. I don't want to be a source of sadness and pain for anyone. Some of you will be sincerely concerned about my eternal salvation and everything that I've given up according to church teachings. Your fears and concerns are valid. I just want to acknowledge that. I care about you. I always have, and I always will.
Please know that I tried to find ways to stay, even when I stopped believing. It came to the point where church was no longer a healthy place for me to be. Some of you have witnessed this.
I did not make my decision lightly, and I did not make the decision overnight. There's no other way to describe it except that it has been a slow, painful, gut-wrenching awakening that has taken more than a year. It started in the last half of 2014, and I came to my decision about a year later.
The most important thing is now I have my integrity back (I'll explain in a future blog post), and I feel at peace with my decision. Completely.
A Little Humor? I'm Still the Same Person! Please Read This!
If you don't read anything else, please read this part! I'm still the same person that I've always been. I'm still just as introverted, just as compassionate, and just as ornery as I've always been. I'm just as concerned about my own insecurities as I've always been. I still have really bad allergies to cedar and mold! I still struggle with my weight. I still play the piano. I still like to foster kittens. I still hate to load the dishwasher and do laundry. I still love to go on walks and take photos. I still have a really weird sense of humor. I still love and adore my grandchildren. I still wish that my kicks were higher in TaeKwonDo. I still love my fireplace. I still have my career. I still clean my own toilets. I still like the Longhorns. I still have a messy home office. I still have a sincere heart and good intentions. I still have a lot of love, peace, and joy in my life. These things will not change.For those of you who know me only from being in the same church, we will still have lots of things to talk about. Your families, your activities, your hobbies, your health habits. I'm okay with you talking about church things around me. I'm okay if you invite me to a baptism or other important church-related event for you. I feel this way about anyone in my life, regardless of religious preference.
A good friend who is Mormon called me a couple of weeks ago to ask some advice about the women's conference that she's helping to plan this year, even though she knows that I no longer attend church. I was delighted that she treated me NORMALLY, like she always has, and that she didn't have an underlying agenda (such as reactivating me) when she called me.
Let's please just not be awkward! :-)
My Reasons Why and Why Not
I'll go into more details about "why" in subsequent blog posts, but for now I will list things that did NOT cause me to decide to leave Mormonism:- I was not offended. I want to list this first because it's a common misconception that people leave Mormonism because they were offended. Did some people annoy the heck out of me? Yes, absolutely! Did I get offended from time to time? Yes, absolutely! I think we all have. But I would never leave over being offended.
- No one in my ward or stake affected my decision. If any message comes across to you, my Mormon friends and family, please know that I love and care for the people who have been in my wards and stakes throughout the years. My decision has nothing to do with anything that you did or did not do. The reason that I stayed as long as I did was because I didn't want to lose the weekly association with you. I didn't want to lose the sense of community that you automatically get by being part of the church. Most of all, I love the sisters in the Round Rock Stake. I will discuss my calling in the Stake Relief Society Presidency in a future blog post because I feel like I owe it to my sisters to share my heart. My decision will be surprising to some of them because I was in a stake leadership position when my faith transition began. My concern and love for you has always been real. I will always consider you as my sisters.
- I'm not looking for an excuse to "sin." For those of you who know my story, being a Mormon never stopped me from sinning. I had a rough few years when I was trying to find my way in life, and I sinned plenty. We all do, if we're being honest. If I wanted to just go out and sin (whatever it might be), I'd do it anyway. Leaving the church has nothing to do with my lifestyle preferences.
- I was not burned out. Well, yes, actually I was. :-) Again, I think we all get burned out with church responsibilities. But I've been burned out plenty of times before and haven't left the church over it. And even though I have to admit that it's nice not to have a bunch of church responsibilities anymore, it's not a reason to leave and give up the association of my church community.
- There was never a time that I wasn't all in. A common misconception is that a person who leaves the church must not have had a very strong testimony. Otherwise, they would never leave, no matter what. I'll go into this in a later blog post because this is really important to address. But for now, just know that I believed it all. Even if something was difficult, or even if I had concerns, I believed it all. I had faith that if only I followed the brethren at the top, everything would be okay. I defended the church my whole life because I believed in it so strongly.
- There was no "final straw." As many of you know, a few thousand people recently resigned from the church after the new policy involving gay couples and the children of gay parents was leaked to the press, which resulted in the church having to make a public statement. This was the final straw for many. But I want to make it clear that there was no final straw for me. I had already decided to leave the church several weeks before the new policy was put into place. I had already decided to write a blog, but I delayed it so it wouldn't get caught up in the debate and emotion of that particular policy. Do I support the policy? No, not at all. I think it's a horrendous policy that is not from God. But it was not a factor in my decision to leave the church because my decision had already been made before the policy came out. The policy only confirmed that my decision to leave the church was the right decision.
- I didn't read anti-Mormon literature. On the contrary, I followed the counsel of the brethren and studied only the approved curriculum that is taught in the weekly church meetings. And I read books by general authorities, or other books that were published by the church's own Deseret Book Store. (Somehow I missed "Rough Stone Rolling," though!) Whenever I would hear anti-Mormon rhetoric, I would defend the church and its history and teachings and policies. I would correct the person that was telling me these lies. I saw part of a South Park episode where they showed Joseph Smith looking in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon. I thought it was an anti-Mormon lie, and I wasn't shy in saying so. Now I know that it wasn't a lie at all, but I'll get into all of that with a future blog post because it is so very key to my disaffection with the church and the brethren.
- My local ecclesiastical leaders didn't punish me or chastise me. They supported me in my journey to find truth and to find out what I believed in and what I didn't. I have nothing but respect for the two local male leaders that I have discussed my issues with in the past year, and with the one female local leader that I also discussed my issues with. The other female local leader didn't want to hear any of it, and because of that I will talk about the responsibility of leadership to minister to their flock in a future block post. I plan to meet with the two male leaders again to discuss my decision and to thank them for treating me with respect during our deep and frank conversations. I will write more about this in a future blog post as well because I think that both of these local men handled my situation in the best way for me and my personal growth and journey. You don't always find that in local leadership.
Why a Blog Post to Announce Something So Personal?
- Because I want to ensure that I'm conveying what is honest and true in my heart.
- Because I want you to hear all of this from me and not from any rumors or from others who might assume what is in my heart or what my experience is. It is MY experience, so I want to be as clear as possible about everything that I communicate.
- Because I only want to tell the whole long, messy, roller coaster of a story once. :-)
- Because I have lots of friends and family in multiple wards and stakes and in multiple states across the U.S., and this is the most efficient way to let them know of my decision.
- I don't want people to guess or assume why they think I've left.
- I want to minimize any confusion and hurt that others might experience by reading this.
- I want you to hear my reasons using my own words. I don't want to be the subject of mystery or gossip.
- Because there is probably someone out there who will be helped by reading my experience.
- Because I want to put a name and face on the type of people who are leaving. As many of you might know, people are leaving the church at an alarming rate. Or if they aren't leaving, they are nonbelievers trying to make it work for them. As people leave, they are put into a category called apostates. What an ugly word to describe someone who is trying to do what's best for their life. Technically, you could say that I'm an apostate. But I really hope not to be labeled like that. I'm Christie and will always be Christie. I am a woman, friend, daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, career woman, homemaker, yard worker, musician, and humanitarian.
Conclusion (for this post)
A faith transition is traumatic. It is painful. On one hand, you want to tell everyone what you are going through. On the other hand, you want to tell no one because of the potential judgment, shunning, and even the fear by some that you will rub off on them and throw them into a faith crisis, too. It is not my intent to cause a faith crisis for anyone. It is my intent to share my truth, my journey, in the hopes that it will enlarge my heart and yours. That maybe some of the fear between active Mormons and former Mormons can be lessened or even eliminated. We are still all in this same world together, and we all want basically the same things - happiness, peace, a home, family, friends, and joy.You may disagree with some things that I write, but it's okay. Each of us has our way of looking at the world. It's a beautiful thing. It brings balance to the world to have differing opinions and experiences.
I hope you read my future blog posts because I will talk about some of the details of my faith transition, and what I like to call my awakening. For anyone who is planning to stay Mormon, perhaps my experiences will help you understand a loved one that has left the church. For those who have left Mormonism, perhaps some of my posts will resonate with you, and you won't feel alone. For those who are still Mormon but are having a hard time with things, perhaps you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter whether you ultimately decide to stay or leave. For anyone who has never been Mormon, perhaps you'll recognize some of the same issues in your own lives.
Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering...yes, my mother knows! She is an active Mormon and has been for her entire life of 80 years. Our relationship is good.
Thank you for sticking it out and reading until the end of this first post. You are brave for doing so, and you have endurance! May you have a wonderful 2016. The future is definitely bright!
Monday, August 24, 2015
Hurricane Katrina Followup - October 2005
Originally published May 18, 2008
I promised a blog about my experience going to New Orleans after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. So here goes. I apologize for the length of this post, but I'm still leaving out a ton of stuff!
I went to New Orleans in October 2005 to help retrieve items and check on a few homes. Two evacuees (Lillian Austin and her 17-year-old grandson) went with me, and we recovered clothing and photographs from their upstairs bedrooms that were not damaged by flooding or mold. Even though it was October, the weather was hot, muggy, and miserable. The first floor of their home was covered in black sludge, which was extremely slick. Furniture was all topsy-turvy, and mold covered the walls almost up to the ceiling. We had to wear boots, gloves, and masks. It was so hot that I tried not wearing a mask, but the mold was so bad that I couldn't breathe very well without the mask. The second floor was better, except for the hole in the roof and thousands of cockroaches.
Here
is a picture of their house, which is actually a duplex. They lived on
the left side of the duplex. Notice that everything outside is dead and
crusty.
Lillian's
car was completely submerged for weeks. You can see the different
water/sludge markings on her car as the water receded. The minivan next
door had also been completely submerged. There were thousands and
thousands of cars in the same predicament.
Speaking of that minivan, when the water started rising in their neighborhood, Lillian and her two grandsons (the 17 year-old and a 5 year-old) went to the second level in their house. The water had reached the eaves of all of the one-story houses in their neighborhood. The only way they could escape was to wade down the stairs into the water that was up to the ceiling, hold their breath, and swim underwater out the front door. Then, they took refuge on the roof of the minivan, which was underwater, but at least they were able to stand on it until a boat came for them. I can't imagine the terror and fear that they went through.
As a side note, just before they swam out of their house, the older grandson took pictures of the floodwaters with his cell phone, and then he left his cell phone in his bedroom. Then, when we went back to their home in October, his cell phone was still there with those pictures on it. It was unbelievable how high the water had been!
Here's a picture of their living room.
The kitchen. It's a good thing that I don't have a sense of smell. And yes, that's a refrigerator lying on the kitchen floor.
This
is a picture looking down their street. Everything was desolate. This
was only the first or second day that residents were allowed back into
New Orleans, so hardly anyone was there. There was no electricity, no
water, no sewer, no stop lights, no street signs, no stop signs, no air
conditioning, no sounds of traffic, no sounds of birds, no nothing.
Next door, another family had started to retrieve what little they had left. They saw me taking pictures of Lillian's house and the street and asked if I was with the Red Cross. I told them no, but I was just here to help out Lillian after meeting her in the shelter in Austin. This poor family had almost nothing left. Not only was their entire first floor flooded completely like Lillian's, but their roof had several holes in it, allowing rain to come in and ruin almost everything.
They looked to me for guidance on what to keep and what to throw away. I'm no expert, but they thought that I was. Based on what I had seen on TV over the past few weeks, I was able to help a little bit. One item that they were able to keep was a large photo album that had been tucked away in a closet on the first floor. The closet was jammed shut, so the flood waters weren't able to reach the top of it. Even though there was some damage to the album, the photos were fine.
This family didn't have any water, gloves, or masks with them. Being a Mormon who seems to always be prepared for something, I had purchased a ton of extra gloves, masks, and water. So I was able to give them these items, for which they were so grateful. There was nowhere to get water or anything in New Orleans, and in their anxiousness to get home, they hadn't thought of preparing themselves for the day. I'm so glad that we were there at the same time they were.
Here are some other pictures of New Orleans from that day.
In another house on Bruxelle Street, I was able to retrieve photographs and a few precious items for Miss Alice Maney, a widow in her 70s. The most important item was an 1800s-era portrait of her great-grandparents, who had been slaves. Miss Alice still lives in Austin and has been very ill since the hurricane. She shares the same birth date as Martin Luther King, Jr., and she is very proud of that fact. Her husband was a Zulu Warrior. She has no children. Although she has been torn from her home, she believes that God sent her here to Austin where people care about her and love her.
Fortunately,
her home (also a duplex) was built on blocks and is on higher ground,
so the living area wasn't touched by floodwaters. For Alice, the
evacuation was a much worse experience than the hurricane was. The day
after the hurricane, she laid down to take a nap before going to the
grocery store. Her keys and coin purse were next to the front door,
ready for when she woke up from her nap. Well, sometime during that day,
the floodwaters came, and people were yelling at her to get out and get
in the boat outside. She had no idea what was going on. So she put on
her slippers, grabbed her keys and coin purse, and stepped into the
water toward the boat. One of her slippers got caught on something, and
she panicked and thought she was going to drown. You can see the duplex
in this picture. She had stepped off the side of her porch. You can see
her white slipper underneath the gate where it got caught.
Eventually, however, she got into the boat, and they took her and others to the freeway overpass. I can't remember how long she was there before being taken to a military airplane, strapped down to the floor because there were no seats, and flown to Austin. It was those very keys (rusted and nearly ruined) that I took with me back to New Orleans and used to gain entrance to her duplex and retrieve her things.
Here are a few pictures around the block that she lived on.
I also checked on a home where Alcide Wiltz and his sister lived (a duplex). I wasn't able to get into the home because there were no keys, but I took pictures for Alcide, some of which you see here. Their home will be demolished because of the damage caused by flooding and mold. You can see the various water/sludge lines on the side of the house and the fence. The markings on the front of the house indicate when the house was checked for survivors, the deceased, and animals.
Alcide came to our church Christmas party that year and performed two songs for us: "The Lord's Prayer" and "O, Holy Night." He still lives in Austin, sharing an apartment with his mother Gertrude Clark. His sister is now living in Arkansas with their pets. They will probably never return to New Orleans.
In the midst of all this, the hymn "Where Can I Turn for Peace" came to my mind. In this last section of the blog, I'll describe our journey there and our journey back. You'll then understand when and where peace finally came.
We left for New Orleans around 7pm on Tuesday, October 4, 2005. Because of the large number of evacuees from both Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there was no vacancy in any hotels or motels along the Gulf Coast. Beaumont had been hit hard by Hurricane Rita. So while Hurricane Katrina had destroyed everything from New Orleans east through Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, Hurricane Rita destroyed everything east of Houston, all the way to Lafayette, Louisiana. I remember driving along I-10 in the dark, seeing billboards and trees laying on the side of the freeway. Power lines were down everywhere, and therefore, there was no electricity in most places. It's very difficult to describe the devastation everywhere. It was surreal and pretty eery, to say the least.
We ended up sleeping in the car along the side of the freeway near Orange, Texas (border of Texas and Louisiana). Everyone else had the same idea because there was nowhere else to sleep.
Fortunately, there was a gas station open just south of Baton Rouge, so we were able to fill up with gas and be on our way. I don't know if you've ever been to Louisiana, but it is filled with a bunch of water. Swamps, bayous, lakes -- water everywhere. New Orleans is basically cut off from the rest of the land (what little land there is). We arrived in New Orleans around noon on Wednesday, October 5. The scene was devastating. There were boats parked alongside the freeway overpasses, houses and apartments were off their foundations. Because the wind and water had knocked down street signs, it was difficult to tell where we were going sometimes.
Also, we had to be sure and be out of there before dark, so we left New Orleans by 5pm. The police warned us to get out of there before dark because the criminals had already started living around there again, and it would be pitch black at night because of no electricity. Plus, I think that I was the only white person around at the time, so I attracted attention. It shouldn't be like that, but it is...plain and simple.
We drove to Baton Rouge and were just plain exhausted. There was no way that I could sleep in the car again. Plus, we were disgustingly filthy from the day's work. We really needed to get cleaned up or risk getting sick. Well, being Mormon, I realized that it was a Wednesday night, and there was probably Mutual going on somewhere. If we could just find a church, we would be okay.
Before we initially left on this journey, I printed out some phone numbers of church leadership in the area, so I tried those numbers. I finally found out where the stake center was located, so we went there. Mutual was just getting over. We were saved! Lillian and her grandson stayed in my car (they were uncomfortable going in at first), while I traipsed through the hallways looking for someone who looked important. I didn't find anyone except for some boys playing basketball, so I found a bishop's office and knocked. Someone opened the door, and they were having a meeting in there, all dressed in church clothes. Oh, boy, I was a messy sight! I explained the situation, and the bishop said of course we could stay there. He said that the stake center had been a shelter for Hurricane Katrina evacuees, and there was still a ton of food in the kitchen, and there still might be a mattress and some blankets.
I went out to the car and got Lillian and her grandson. With help of another bishop, I found a mattress and blanket for them, and we set them up in a classroom. We couldn't find anything for me, but I didn't care. I was feeling so much better already. One of the bishopric members offered to put us up in his home, but Lillian just wanted to stay put in the church. So everyone else finally left, and we set out to find something to eat in the kitchen. There was so much food in there! We had a feast!
Also,
because this was a stake center, there were showers in the restrooms.
We took showers and had to use paper towels to dry off because our other
towels got dirty. I threw away our boots, gloves, and masks, and took
them outside to the dumpster. After Lillian and her grandson got
settled, I decided to lie down in the Relief Society room. Lying there,
even though I was uncomfortable without a blanket or pillow, I felt so
taken care of. I was in the Lord's house. He knew that we were there,
and He took care of us. The showers, the food, the safe place to sleep
-- it was for us. In the Relief Society Room, there was a door to the
outside. I opened it, and saw the most amazing view. The Baton Rouge
Temple was lit up, just outside my door! Where can I turn for peace? It
was all around me. The Holy Ghost was present. Comfort and peace were
present.
I was having a difficult time getting to sleep, so I went to the chapel and played the piano for about an hour. Just me, the piano, and the hymn book. More peace. Finally, I felt like I could sleep, so I found a sofa just outside the stake president's office and slept there until morning. I was really cold, but I still felt very much taken care of.
Before
we left for Austin, Lillian gathered some food items from the kitchen
to take with her. The night before, the bishop told her to take food
home with her. Also, she loved the artwork on the walls, so I took
pictures of the artwork to give to her later. I also found some
pass-along cards with some church artwork, which she loved! And do you
know what her favorite painting was? The one of Joseph Smith in the
Sacred Grove listening to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She was a
Baptist, but that was her favorite one.
We arrived back in Austin around 4pm on Thursday, October 6, and put Lillian's belongings into storage. I took Alice's items to her the next day, for which she was grateful beyond words. Alice has made it clear that when she dies, all of her historical photographs will go to me. I feel so humbled and honored for this, as well as everything that the Lord allowed me to do during this time.
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
EDIT ADDED in 2016: I am no longer Mormon, but these fond memories of the help and comfort that we received in Baton Rouge will always remain with me. I've decided to keep the text as-is because that's what reality was at that time.
I promised a blog about my experience going to New Orleans after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. So here goes. I apologize for the length of this post, but I'm still leaving out a ton of stuff!
I went to New Orleans in October 2005 to help retrieve items and check on a few homes. Two evacuees (Lillian Austin and her 17-year-old grandson) went with me, and we recovered clothing and photographs from their upstairs bedrooms that were not damaged by flooding or mold. Even though it was October, the weather was hot, muggy, and miserable. The first floor of their home was covered in black sludge, which was extremely slick. Furniture was all topsy-turvy, and mold covered the walls almost up to the ceiling. We had to wear boots, gloves, and masks. It was so hot that I tried not wearing a mask, but the mold was so bad that I couldn't breathe very well without the mask. The second floor was better, except for the hole in the roof and thousands of cockroaches.
Here
is a picture of their house, which is actually a duplex. They lived on
the left side of the duplex. Notice that everything outside is dead and
crusty.
Lillian's
car was completely submerged for weeks. You can see the different
water/sludge markings on her car as the water receded. The minivan next
door had also been completely submerged. There were thousands and
thousands of cars in the same predicament.Speaking of that minivan, when the water started rising in their neighborhood, Lillian and her two grandsons (the 17 year-old and a 5 year-old) went to the second level in their house. The water had reached the eaves of all of the one-story houses in their neighborhood. The only way they could escape was to wade down the stairs into the water that was up to the ceiling, hold their breath, and swim underwater out the front door. Then, they took refuge on the roof of the minivan, which was underwater, but at least they were able to stand on it until a boat came for them. I can't imagine the terror and fear that they went through.
As a side note, just before they swam out of their house, the older grandson took pictures of the floodwaters with his cell phone, and then he left his cell phone in his bedroom. Then, when we went back to their home in October, his cell phone was still there with those pictures on it. It was unbelievable how high the water had been!
Here's a picture of their living room.
The kitchen. It's a good thing that I don't have a sense of smell. And yes, that's a refrigerator lying on the kitchen floor.
This
is a picture looking down their street. Everything was desolate. This
was only the first or second day that residents were allowed back into
New Orleans, so hardly anyone was there. There was no electricity, no
water, no sewer, no stop lights, no street signs, no stop signs, no air
conditioning, no sounds of traffic, no sounds of birds, no nothing.Next door, another family had started to retrieve what little they had left. They saw me taking pictures of Lillian's house and the street and asked if I was with the Red Cross. I told them no, but I was just here to help out Lillian after meeting her in the shelter in Austin. This poor family had almost nothing left. Not only was their entire first floor flooded completely like Lillian's, but their roof had several holes in it, allowing rain to come in and ruin almost everything.
They looked to me for guidance on what to keep and what to throw away. I'm no expert, but they thought that I was. Based on what I had seen on TV over the past few weeks, I was able to help a little bit. One item that they were able to keep was a large photo album that had been tucked away in a closet on the first floor. The closet was jammed shut, so the flood waters weren't able to reach the top of it. Even though there was some damage to the album, the photos were fine.
This family didn't have any water, gloves, or masks with them. Being a Mormon who seems to always be prepared for something, I had purchased a ton of extra gloves, masks, and water. So I was able to give them these items, for which they were so grateful. There was nowhere to get water or anything in New Orleans, and in their anxiousness to get home, they hadn't thought of preparing themselves for the day. I'm so glad that we were there at the same time they were.
Here are some other pictures of New Orleans from that day.
In another house on Bruxelle Street, I was able to retrieve photographs and a few precious items for Miss Alice Maney, a widow in her 70s. The most important item was an 1800s-era portrait of her great-grandparents, who had been slaves. Miss Alice still lives in Austin and has been very ill since the hurricane. She shares the same birth date as Martin Luther King, Jr., and she is very proud of that fact. Her husband was a Zulu Warrior. She has no children. Although she has been torn from her home, she believes that God sent her here to Austin where people care about her and love her.
Fortunately,
her home (also a duplex) was built on blocks and is on higher ground,
so the living area wasn't touched by floodwaters. For Alice, the
evacuation was a much worse experience than the hurricane was. The day
after the hurricane, she laid down to take a nap before going to the
grocery store. Her keys and coin purse were next to the front door,
ready for when she woke up from her nap. Well, sometime during that day,
the floodwaters came, and people were yelling at her to get out and get
in the boat outside. She had no idea what was going on. So she put on
her slippers, grabbed her keys and coin purse, and stepped into the
water toward the boat. One of her slippers got caught on something, and
she panicked and thought she was going to drown. You can see the duplex
in this picture. She had stepped off the side of her porch. You can see
her white slipper underneath the gate where it got caught.Eventually, however, she got into the boat, and they took her and others to the freeway overpass. I can't remember how long she was there before being taken to a military airplane, strapped down to the floor because there were no seats, and flown to Austin. It was those very keys (rusted and nearly ruined) that I took with me back to New Orleans and used to gain entrance to her duplex and retrieve her things.
Here are a few pictures around the block that she lived on.
I also checked on a home where Alcide Wiltz and his sister lived (a duplex). I wasn't able to get into the home because there were no keys, but I took pictures for Alcide, some of which you see here. Their home will be demolished because of the damage caused by flooding and mold. You can see the various water/sludge lines on the side of the house and the fence. The markings on the front of the house indicate when the house was checked for survivors, the deceased, and animals.
Alcide came to our church Christmas party that year and performed two songs for us: "The Lord's Prayer" and "O, Holy Night." He still lives in Austin, sharing an apartment with his mother Gertrude Clark. His sister is now living in Arkansas with their pets. They will probably never return to New Orleans.
In the midst of all this, the hymn "Where Can I Turn for Peace" came to my mind. In this last section of the blog, I'll describe our journey there and our journey back. You'll then understand when and where peace finally came.
We left for New Orleans around 7pm on Tuesday, October 4, 2005. Because of the large number of evacuees from both Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there was no vacancy in any hotels or motels along the Gulf Coast. Beaumont had been hit hard by Hurricane Rita. So while Hurricane Katrina had destroyed everything from New Orleans east through Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, Hurricane Rita destroyed everything east of Houston, all the way to Lafayette, Louisiana. I remember driving along I-10 in the dark, seeing billboards and trees laying on the side of the freeway. Power lines were down everywhere, and therefore, there was no electricity in most places. It's very difficult to describe the devastation everywhere. It was surreal and pretty eery, to say the least.
We ended up sleeping in the car along the side of the freeway near Orange, Texas (border of Texas and Louisiana). Everyone else had the same idea because there was nowhere else to sleep.
Fortunately, there was a gas station open just south of Baton Rouge, so we were able to fill up with gas and be on our way. I don't know if you've ever been to Louisiana, but it is filled with a bunch of water. Swamps, bayous, lakes -- water everywhere. New Orleans is basically cut off from the rest of the land (what little land there is). We arrived in New Orleans around noon on Wednesday, October 5. The scene was devastating. There were boats parked alongside the freeway overpasses, houses and apartments were off their foundations. Because the wind and water had knocked down street signs, it was difficult to tell where we were going sometimes.
Also, we had to be sure and be out of there before dark, so we left New Orleans by 5pm. The police warned us to get out of there before dark because the criminals had already started living around there again, and it would be pitch black at night because of no electricity. Plus, I think that I was the only white person around at the time, so I attracted attention. It shouldn't be like that, but it is...plain and simple.
We drove to Baton Rouge and were just plain exhausted. There was no way that I could sleep in the car again. Plus, we were disgustingly filthy from the day's work. We really needed to get cleaned up or risk getting sick. Well, being Mormon, I realized that it was a Wednesday night, and there was probably Mutual going on somewhere. If we could just find a church, we would be okay.
Before we initially left on this journey, I printed out some phone numbers of church leadership in the area, so I tried those numbers. I finally found out where the stake center was located, so we went there. Mutual was just getting over. We were saved! Lillian and her grandson stayed in my car (they were uncomfortable going in at first), while I traipsed through the hallways looking for someone who looked important. I didn't find anyone except for some boys playing basketball, so I found a bishop's office and knocked. Someone opened the door, and they were having a meeting in there, all dressed in church clothes. Oh, boy, I was a messy sight! I explained the situation, and the bishop said of course we could stay there. He said that the stake center had been a shelter for Hurricane Katrina evacuees, and there was still a ton of food in the kitchen, and there still might be a mattress and some blankets.
I went out to the car and got Lillian and her grandson. With help of another bishop, I found a mattress and blanket for them, and we set them up in a classroom. We couldn't find anything for me, but I didn't care. I was feeling so much better already. One of the bishopric members offered to put us up in his home, but Lillian just wanted to stay put in the church. So everyone else finally left, and we set out to find something to eat in the kitchen. There was so much food in there! We had a feast!
Also,
because this was a stake center, there were showers in the restrooms.
We took showers and had to use paper towels to dry off because our other
towels got dirty. I threw away our boots, gloves, and masks, and took
them outside to the dumpster. After Lillian and her grandson got
settled, I decided to lie down in the Relief Society room. Lying there,
even though I was uncomfortable without a blanket or pillow, I felt so
taken care of. I was in the Lord's house. He knew that we were there,
and He took care of us. The showers, the food, the safe place to sleep
-- it was for us. In the Relief Society Room, there was a door to the
outside. I opened it, and saw the most amazing view. The Baton Rouge
Temple was lit up, just outside my door! Where can I turn for peace? It
was all around me. The Holy Ghost was present. Comfort and peace were
present.I was having a difficult time getting to sleep, so I went to the chapel and played the piano for about an hour. Just me, the piano, and the hymn book. More peace. Finally, I felt like I could sleep, so I found a sofa just outside the stake president's office and slept there until morning. I was really cold, but I still felt very much taken care of.
Before
we left for Austin, Lillian gathered some food items from the kitchen
to take with her. The night before, the bishop told her to take food
home with her. Also, she loved the artwork on the walls, so I took
pictures of the artwork to give to her later. I also found some
pass-along cards with some church artwork, which she loved! And do you
know what her favorite painting was? The one of Joseph Smith in the
Sacred Grove listening to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. She was a
Baptist, but that was her favorite one.We arrived back in Austin around 4pm on Thursday, October 6, and put Lillian's belongings into storage. I took Alice's items to her the next day, for which she was grateful beyond words. Alice has made it clear that when she dies, all of her historical photographs will go to me. I feel so humbled and honored for this, as well as everything that the Lord allowed me to do during this time.
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
EDIT ADDED in 2016: I am no longer Mormon, but these fond memories of the help and comfort that we received in Baton Rouge will always remain with me. I've decided to keep the text as-is because that's what reality was at that time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)